


Just the Same

by metallicfey



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Dubious Consent, Jealous Rick Grimes, M/M, Minor Character Death, Minor Lori Grimes/Rick Grimes, Minor Lori Grimes/Shane Walsh, Minor Maggie Greene/Glenn Rhee, Minor Shane Walsh/OMC, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Non-Linear Narrative, Oral Sex, Past Merle Dixon/OMC, Shane Being an Asshole, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Victim Blaming, lots of swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2019-06-16 11:19:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 48,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15435918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metallicfey/pseuds/metallicfey
Summary: If Lori had a brother who was in love with Rick.(Starts back in season 1. Mostly canon-compliant. Some mix of comic canon.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some quick notes;
> 
> I own nothing.
> 
> Spoilers abound.
> 
> Thanks to ItCouldAllBeForNothingTomorrow for all their help.
> 
> There is no Lori bashing here. My original character is her brother and, while the story is third person, it's generally told from his POV, so the tone of the story is very sympathetic toward Lori. Shane is viewed as the manipulative one.
> 
> I have another TWD fanfic that is Daryl/OMC. If you happened to have read that, this has nothing to do with it. Two completely different stories. Kinda two different styles. This one is not as polished as that one.
> 
> I may add a tag or warning as the story progresses. I've got about 11 chapters written and I'm sufficiently happy with, like, 5 of them. So, we'll see what happens.
> 
> I hope you enjoy Just the Same :)

The hardest thing Caden ever had to do was walk away from Rick Grimes. He remembered the moment well. Sometimes, like now as he sat at the side of a slow-moving river wondering why the fish in it never bit for him, Caden could picture it almost exactly as it had been. He sat at Rick’s bedside after the sheriff’s deputy had been shot on the job and fallen into a coma. He had been alone, so he was about to tell Rick that he always loved him. For as long as he could remember, he had loved Rick and he didn’t want Rick to die without knowing. But he also didn’t want Rick to know if he wasn’t going to die, so Caden had just been sitting there, debating with himself. Then, Shane Walsh walked in.

Caden looked up at the footsteps and instantly, he frowned. Shane was wearing the same uniform Rick used to look so damn good in. The uniform that got him shot. It was awful, seeing that uniform again. It didn’t help that Shane was the one wearing it, even if he wore it well with bulkier muscles than Rick ever had.

Shane had been a part of Caden’s life just as long as Rick had, but Caden never liked him. He didn’t like the way Shane occupied so much of Rick’s life. It was probably jealousy, he figured, because Rick would never trust him the way he trusted Shane. Rick would never look at Caden and see a friend. Caden was his wife’s little brother; just some consequence of loving Lori.

“You’re here again?” Shane asked, and Caden just nodded. He’d been coming by every day, trying to get himself to just let go of the man he had loved for so long. “Shit, you’re here more than Lori.”

“Well, I ain’t got a kid to take care of,” Caden mumbled, looking at the flowers in Shane’s hand.

“Don’t always gotta be someone here with him,” Shane replied.

Caden pushed himself up and moved away, allowing Shane past so he could set the flowers on Rick’s nightstand. “I was just leavin’,” Caden lied.

“If ya wait, I can give ya a ride,” Shane offered.

“I want to walk,” Caden replied.

The truth was, he didn’t want to be locked in a car with Shane for the twenty minutes it would take to get to his apartment. Because, he was pretty sure Shane knew he was in love with Rick. There was just something about the way Shane had always looked at him, ever since he was in middle school. It was a knowing look. Almost an appraising look, like he was measuring up Caden and found him to be wanting. It was true that Shane had always been nice enough to him, but Caden thought that was simply because he was important to Lori, and Lori was important to Rick, and Rick was important to Shane. But, now that Rick wasn’t around anymore, would that change? Would Shane really keep taking care of Lori and Carl, like he’d been doing since Rick fell into the coma?

“Weird shit’s goin’ on, Cade,” Shane said. “Wait for me.”

Caden didn’t wait. He just left the room, not even saying goodbye to Rick. That would always sting. He should have at least said goodbye.

Caden was halfway down the street when Shane pulled up beside him and ordered him into his police cruiser. Caden had sighed loudly and gotten into the car, thinking Shane was just angry at him for leaving the hospital. It wasn’t until he was sitting next to Shane that he realized the guy was scared. It was the first time Caden had seen Shane scared and it was absolutely terrifying.

“What’s goin’ on?” Caden asked.

Shane barely glanced at him. “Something’s happenin’. At the hospital… they’re just killin’ people.”

“What?” Caden gasped.

“Rick’s gone,” Shane muttered hopelessly. He slammed his hand down on the steering wheel. “He’s gone.”

The rest of the day was a blur. No matter how hard he tried, Caden could not picture what came next. He knew they sped to Rick’s house where it was just Lori and Carl. He thought he remembered Lori frantically packing away things from drawers and grabbing photos. He thought he remembered Carl crying. Maybe because Shane had told him his dad was dead. The only thing he remembered for certain was hugging his nephew tightly, mumbling that they were going to be okay. That Shane would keep them safe.

Caden snorted to himself, reeling in his line. Right. Shane.

It felt like Shane had just been waiting for something like this. Some reason to take over their lives. Caden knew that wasn’t true. Shane was a good guy, no matter Caden’s personal feelings. He knew that because Shane had been there endlessly for Rick. For big and small things, Shane was the first call made in the Grimes household. He would cancel any plans to watch Carl, even just so Rick and Lori could get a night out. He would stop by at all hours to fix whatever had broken in the house – Caden remembered Lori calling and waking Shane up at two in the morning once because the kitchen sink was backing up and overflowing, Carl was teething, and Caden had just gotten home drunk from a party, and Lori was fuming. It was one of those times Rick just stayed as far from her as he could get, even if she made damn sure he was awake to suffer it all with her. Shane stepped right in. He fixed the sink, made Caden help him clean the kitchen while giving him a lecture, and put Carl to bed while Lori finished her night’s sleep on the couch.

Hell, when Caden woke up in the hospital, Shane was there, slumped in an old, plaid armchair, talking quietly to Rick about “people that can help Cade better than y’all can.” While Caden was in the hospital for the next three days, Shane basically just kept Carl since Lori stayed at the hospital every day until someone told her to leave and came back the next morning as soon as she could. When she was home, she wasn’t in any condition to take care of herself, let alone her kid, and Rick stayed by her side during that time, but never figured out a way to help her.

Shane always did what he could to make their lives better or easier. Rick was his family and Shane would have done anything for him. So, Caden, objectively, knew Shane hadn’t been waiting for the dead to rise so he could take Rick’s place. That was ridiculous – it simply _felt_ that way.

Caden trudged back toward the center of the camp. He had tried to give Shane the benefit of the doubt, telling himself Shane was acting this way only because of the situation they found themselves in. He tried to tell himself that Rick would do the same to keep them safe. But Shane had always just rubbed Caden the wrong way and nothing had changed. Shane had, quite literally, saved his life, and his sister’s life, and his nephew’s life. But Caden did not like him, and he was starting to think it was petty. He was starting to think it was him and not Shane and it just came from the leftover jealousy he had over how important Shane had been to Rick and how little Caden had ever meant to both of them.

“Where’s Lori?” Caden asked when he reached Amy, who he swore he had just seen Lori with.

“Lookin’ for more mushrooms,” Amy answered. “Do you know how to tell if these are dangerous?”

Caden headed toward the woods with a shrug as he said, “Only one way I know of.”

Caden would never remember why he went looking for his sister. The moment his eyes fell onto Shane and Lori having sex on the ground was simply too scarring. It was all he could think of when he tried to remember anything about that day.

It had been so shocking, even though he would later think back on it and realize it shouldn’t have been surprising at all, that Caden had just gasped, “Oh my God.”

When Shane looked up at him, he looked surprised, then agitated. Lori, on the other hand, looked mortified and instantly started pushing on Shane’s chest to get him off her.

“Cade,” she said breathlessly, which freaked Caden out more. He turned and rushed away from the pair, not even caring which direction he was going. “Caden!”

He was rubbing at his eyes like he could scrub the sight from them when his arm was grabbed, and he was dragged backward. He yanked himself away, spinning around to glare at Shane. “Do _not_ touch me.”

Shane seemed genuinely surprised. His zipper was still undone but he didn’t seem to understand why Caden was upset.

“What the hell’s wrong with ya?” Caden asked harshly, pushing Shane another step away. “She just lost her husband! A guy she’d been with since high school!”

Shane flinched like he knew it was messed up.

“You’re taking advantage of her,” Caden said, his fists clenched, though he wasn’t dumb enough to punch Shane.

Shane laughed. Caden was taken aback by it. “You don’t know your sister very well, do ya?” Shane asked.

“Oh, fuck off,” Caden scoffed. “Lori’s smart and independent, but she can get lonely, and she’s lonely right now ‘cause her husband and all her friends are dead. She’s scared and relyin’ on you to protect her and Carl, and you’re taking advantage of that. It’s disgustin’. You’re disgustin’.”

Shane rubbed the back of his head, glaring at Caden. “How ‘bout you keep that opinion to yourself?”

“You mean, don’t tell Lori that she’s goin’ to regret this when she starts thinkin’ straight? Don’t remind Lori that you’re her husband’s best friend – basically his brother, you’ve known him for so long – and it’s all a little creepy and incestuous?”

“That’s rich comin’ from you,” Shane said, tone low.

Caden quickly dropped his gaze, cheeks flushing. Thinking Shane knew about his feelings for Rick and knowing Shane knew were two very different things and Caden wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to look Shane in the eye again.

“Shit, Cade, how long did ya love Rick?” Shane asked quietly.  

Caden backed away, unable to get enough space between the two of them. He had known he was being rather hypocritical with his criticism of Shane. But it was his sister. His newly-widowed, completely heartbroken sister who just had her life turned upside down, along with the rest of the world. He didn’t know how to be okay with that.

“I never looked at Lori before; never wanted what Rick had,” Shane said, leaning closer. “Meanwhile, you’ve had a hard-on for Rick since you hit puberty.”

Caden shook his head. But his voice wouldn’t work, so he didn’t deny it.

“Yeah,” Shane chuckled knowingly. “Me and Rick had some good laughs ‘bout it.”

It felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Caden stared, wide eyed and frozen, at the ground.

After a moment, he whispered, “You’re lyin’.”

“Why would I lie?” Shane wondered. “Rick’s dead. It ain’t like it matters anymore.”

“Rick knew?” Caden whimpered.

“Course Rick knew,” Shane said. “Ya never were subtle. Lori just don’t know it ‘cause she can’t see ya as anythin’ other than her innocent, little brother.”

Caden felt sick. He turned away from Shane because he couldn’t stand to be seen. He wasn’t sure he was even breathing.

He inhaled quickly. No, he hadn’t been breathing.

“Callin’ me disgustin’,” Shane scoffed. “What’re you, then?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from the song Just the Same by Bruno Major.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (:

Caden was doing everything possible to avoid Shane and Lori. It was mostly Shane he wanted to stay away from, but he wasn’t really looking forward to his next conversation with Lori either. He was walking past Lori as she did the laundry when she called out to him. He looked back at her with a frown. He considered just walking away still, but ended up walking over and kneeling in front of her, basically pouting.

“’Bout Shane,” Lori began, sounding so nervous, Caden felt guilty for not assuaging her nerves sooner.

“I don’t get it,” Caden said quickly, before she could continue. “I don’t really think it’s a good idea. He’s too wrapped up in memories of Rick and I’m afraid you’ll just end up hurtin’. But… Lori, you’re my sister and I love ya and all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy.”

It felt like a lie and Caden told himself it wasn’t, but he couldn’t forget that he had wanted Rick. For as long as he could remember, he wanted Lori’s husband and how could he ever make up for that?

Lori smiled at him, some of the tension releasing from her muscles, visible in the slightest of slouches reaching her shoulders.

“I can’t… understand what you’ve lost,” Caden continued softly. Though, he could, kind of. He had also lost the love of his life, but he’d never had the guy to begin with, so he hadn’t lost as much as the woman who had Rick’s love. “I just worry ‘bout ya, okay?”

That was true. He was always worried about her. She was just so easily hurt.

“I know, and I love ya for it,” Lori said.

“And to think, you were _so_ upset to get a brother.”

Lori laughed, but feigned like she was offended. “I was not.”

“I’ve seen the video of mom tellin’ ya.”

Lori chuckled softly. “I can’t help that I wanted a sister, okay? God, Mom was so disappointed when I didn’t get all excited.”

Caden smiled as he pictured it. He hadn’t known their parents for long, but most of the memories he had of them were fond ones. It was Lori who had raised him. Lori and Rick. At least, from what he could remember. Sometimes, he forgot that the few years he remembered were not all the years his parents had been around for – they saw him through his ninth birthday before Lori and Rick had to step in. They had been newlyweds, and to hear Rick tell it, they didn’t think twice before taking in Caden. If they hadn’t, he would have been sent hours away to some aunt they had never met.

“That woulda broke her heart,” Rick once told him. And Caden hadn’t been able to stop himself from wishing Rick had just broken her heart and refused to take care of her little brother. Caden wondered what he would have been like if he had grown up four hours away from Rick Grimes, barely even knowing the man.

Later, he felt guilty for the thought. Barely knowing Rick would mean barely knowing Lori. It could mean not even knowing Carl. Hell, he had met the aunt that wanted to take him in a total of three times his whole life. He probably would have seen Lori a little more than that, but her and Rick were busy having a life and starting a family. They wouldn’t have had time for him if he wasn’t living in their home. Especially once they had Carl.

Not knowing Lori would be miserable. She wasn’t just his sister. She was his best friend. Sometimes, she was a motherly figure, too – she’d slip seamlessly from big sister to mother whenever he needed it. Lately, though, he had needed a mother less and less, and he had gotten to know Lori more as a person. He treasured that, and he loved Lori dearly, now as both his sister and her own person. He wouldn’t give her up for the world. Not for Rick or his love.

In contrast, he always hoped to look at Rick and see a brother or a father figure, but it never happened, no matter what. Rick lectured him. Rick yelled at him. Rick took care of him. And all Caden could do was hope one day that would make him see Rick in a new way. But every day, he just wanted Rick to kiss him.

Lori’s hand on his arm drew his eyes to her.

“Dale told me you were talkin’ ‘bout joinin’ Daryl huntin’. I don’t like it, Cade,” Lori said. “And I don’t get it. Why do you even want to do somethin’ so dangerous?”

“I just don’t think Daryl should be out on his own,” Caden explained. “He needs someone watchin’ his back when Merle’s gone.”

“I want you to stay close to me. Just like Carl, I need to be able to see you.”

Caden chuckled, reached out and squeezed her hand, still wet from washing the clothes in front of her. He just loved her so much and wanted to provide the smallest bit of comfort before going against her wishes. “You shoulda told me that fifteen minutes ago. I’m on my way to look for Daryl. Shane already knows. He’s fine with it.”

That was a lie. Caden hadn’t talked to Shane.

“What? Cade, no.”

“We haven’t seen him since everyone left for the city. He’s one of us, ya know?”

Lori shook her head. “No, he ain’t.”

“Well, shit, I hope he doesn’t think that way ‘bout us,” Caden replied as he stood. “You, me, and the kid need someone like him lookin’ out for us.”

“We got Shane,” Lori said. “We’re sure as hell not gonna trust the likes of the Dixons.”

Caden looked down into the bucket of clothes set in between him and his sister. He stared at the wrinkled fabric in the shimmering water. “They ain’t that bad.”

Lori snorted in disbelief.

“Right, well, Daryl ain’t that bad,” Caden tried. “Shit, he doesn’t even say anythin’.  Merle’s the one that insults everyone.”

Merle was also the one Caden spent the most time with. But Lori didn’t know that. No one knew that, except Daryl who Merle would send away when Caden showed up.

Caden never meant to start anything with the older, angrier Dixon brother. It started with Merle making a joke in front of everyone, asking how Caden could be both “a fag and a virgin.” Merle was simply convinced Caden couldn’t know such a thing if he’d never slept with a man or a woman. Caden hadn’t cared about that. He knew what he was and didn’t need any sort of confirmation. His lifelong attraction to Rick and complete and utter lack of attraction to any woman he’d ever come across, even the ones he thought were beautiful, had told him long ago that he wasn’t straight.

What had bothered Caden was that Merle knew he was a virgin. They hadn’t talked at that point. The Dixons had barely joined the group, but it was like Merle instantly knew exactly what Caden was.

Caden had found Merle the next night and asked how he knew. Merle made some comment about being able to smell it on him, which caused Caden to roll his eyes. Somehow, the conversation ended with Merle’s cock in Caden’s mouth, Merle gripping his hair tightly and telling him what to do. Caden couldn’t remember how they got there. He’d tried; he tried to remember a lot of things, but this one was lost behind a fog of lust and pleasure, as once Merle came on Caden’s face, he was surprisingly focused on making Caden orgasm too – his first caused by someone else’s hand.

That night, something started, and Caden didn’t know how to define it. There were no feelings involved. Merle seemed to actively hate him. In fact, Merle had threatened to kill Caden, if anyone found out. Not just if Caden told someone, but if anyone walked in on them or heard them or found out in some other way. It was a threat meant to scare Caden into silence as Merle expertly pumped his cock, making him whimper and moan in the middle of the night.

Caden knew it was wrong, and even thinking about it made him blush faintly, which was why he had never gone _all_ the way with Merle. Merle wasn’t exactly happy with Caden always stopping him before they could actually have sex, but it didn’t matter what Merle wanted. Caden gave him everything else; even went along with the games he liked to play. He just couldn’t give Merle that.

He was getting more and more afraid that he could never give that to anyone. Anyone who wasn’t Rick, that was, and that’d never happen. Rick was straight. No, Rick was dead.

Rick was dead.

“You okay?” Lori asked, and Caden had forgotten he was sitting in front of her.

Caden realized he was frowning and silently scolded himself. He knew that he needed to be more aware of himself and his surroundings. The world was more dangerous than it’d ever been and thinking as deeply as he always thought was dangerous.

But he had always gotten lost in his thoughts. He had always been a dreamer.

“I’m fine,” he said softly. “I’m gonna go lookin’ for Daryl.”

Lori sighed with resignation. “Be back before dusk, please, Cade.”

“Don’t worry,” Caden said as he stood. “I ain’t gonna go far.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last chapter of what feels like purely set-up. Rick's back next time and things start moving at a better pace from there. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking through this. I just wanted to make sure you got a good feel for Caden and Lori's relationship before Rick comes back.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some dialogue in this chapter is taken directly from the show. I hate doing this, but sometimes the story becomes chunky when trying to avoid it by, like, explaining what people are saying, which you'll see I do a lot in an attempt to avoid even more show dialogue. 
> 
> I don't mark any of the dialogue from the show, because it feels like that disrupts the flow of the story. The show dialogue is mostly from Dale and Glenn with a little of Shane thrown in there. If you would like to know the specifics, please just leave a comment and I will get you a list of all the dialogue that does not come from my head. 
> 
> I realized this chapter is a little longer than usual, so... that's something.

 Caden wandered among the trees for nearly an hour searching for Daryl, but it was Daryl who found him. He just turned around and Daryl was standing a few feet away, half hidden by a tree.

“You’re wanderin’ in circles,” Daryl said, pointing to the ground.

“I thought those trees were lookin’ familiar,” Caden joked. Daryl glanced at the nearby trees with a damn near studious expression. “Anyway… you doin’ okay?”

Daryl’s brow furrowed. “Yeah?”

“I was just worried, man. Stop lookin’ at me like I just grew a second head.”

“We ain’t friends just ‘cause you’re screwin’ my brother,” Daryl stated evenly.

Caden fought against the blush that colored his cheeks and failed rather spectacularly. “That’s a real shitty thing to say, Daryl Dixon. I came out here lookin’ for ya out of genuine concern. And we _are_ friends, whether you like it or not, asshole.”

Daryl grunted unhappily and looked away. “Trackin’ a deer. I’ll be back when I’m back.”

“No shit, Captain Obvious.”

“Fuck off.”

“Oh, _you_ fuck off. I’m your only friend.”

“Don’t need friends,” Daryl grumbled, but the angry edge he always seemed to speak with had momentarily weakened.

“Well, next time be an even bigger asshole and maybe you’ll be properly hated.”

Daryl glanced around before mumbling, “Be any meaner to ya, and ya might wanna screw me.”

Caden tilted his head for a moment, wondering if Daryl was hitting on him, very poorly. The look in his eye was not one of attraction. It was more… it was almost judgement but more sympathetic. It looked a hell of a lot like Daryl felt bad for him, but also thought he was an absolute idiot.

“There’s been no sex.”

Daryl looked at him skeptically.

“Are ya tellin’ me Merle said we had sex?” Caden asked incredulously. Daryl shrugged. “You know, that’s just like him. We ain’t havin’ sex, Daryl. We do other things, yeah, but not that.”

“What do ya think those other things are?”

“Okay, well, fuck off. There’s been no penetration, okay? Happy? Wait, do ya think that’s why he’s so mean to me?”

“Think he just don’t like ya,’ Daryl replied. “Probably ‘cause you’re small, weak, and annoyin’. And ya think too much.”

“You’re such an ass. I’m goin’ back to camp,” Caden huffed, turning away. “Don’t die out here.”

“We ain’t all helpless like you.”

“We’re still friends, ya bastard,” Caden called over his shoulder.

“Wrong way.”

Caden quickly turned in the other direction and continued to stomp away.

Caden had just stepped free from the trees when a trilling sound caught his attention. It took a moment longer than it probably should have for Caden to place the sound as a car alarm. It had just been so long since he had heard one. He had forgotten how damn _loud_ those things were. Before all this with the dead, they were just an annoyance. Now, it was a danger and Caden ran over to stand beside Lori and Carl as they watched the bright red Mustang pull right up to camp, alarm still blaring and drawing everyone over. Caden was relieved to see Glenn get out of the car, but he didn’t quite understand the grin on Glenn’s face.

Shane asked Glenn to open the hood of the car, and Amy crowded him, asking where her sister was. Caden stepped back, the sound starting to hurt his ears as Shane’s pleas to open the hood became angrier and more forceful.

Glenn finally got the hood open and tried to tell Amy that Andrea was just fine. But Amy couldn’t accept that. She just kept asking where Andrea was and why she wasn’t with Glenn – which, Caden realized, was reasonable. No one was with Glenn. Where were Merle, T-Dog, Andrea, Morales, and Jacqui?

Jim and Shane were finally able to get the car alarm turned off. Amy kept questioning Glenn until he finally answered, his voice seeming oddly quiet with the echo of the car alarm still hanging over the group.

“She’s fine,” he said to Amy before addressing everyone else, adding. “Everyone is. Well, Merle, not so much.”

Caden’s stomach dropped. What did Glenn mean? Why did he say it like it didn’t really matter? Shane went right into angrily asking why Glenn would drive the car into camp with its alarm blaring.

“Wait,” Caden said softly. Carl looked over at him, but no one else paid him any attention as Shane continued scolding Glenn, calling him, or at least, his actions, stupid. Caden could see that struck a chord with Glenn, his face falling.

“Well, that alarm was echoing all over these hills,” Dale said. “It’s hard to pinpoint the source.”

Caden listened to Shane, Dale, and Glenn go back and forth for a moment longer before he spoke again, louder. “What happened with Merle?”

Glenn looked at him, and might have been about to answer, but the rumble of an engine drew the group’s collective attention down the trail at the truck coming toward them.

Caden made his way over to Glenn’s side as the truck came to a stop. Instantly, the back of the truck opened, and Andrea was rushing to Amy’s side, the two sisters hugging tightly. Morales followed, greeting his wife, son, and daughter enthusiastically. Jacqui just walked past them.  

“Is Merle dead?” Caden asked.

Glenn looked over at him. “Oh, um, I don’t think so.”

“You don’t think so?” Caden repeated. “What does that mean?”

He noticed Lori leading Carl away from the happily reunited families. She knelt to Carl’s height, taking his hands in hers. She spoke quietly to him as he cried, trying to comfort him. Caden wondered if this was how it was always going to be; if Carl would always feel sorrow at the reunion of those around him because it was just a reminder that his father would never come back.

“Right, so… listen.”

Caden looked back to Glenn.

“I know you’re as friendly with the Dixons as is humanly possible, but Merle’s a bastard, Cade,” Glenn said, and Caden knew he was right, but saying it out loud while Merle was missing felt somewhat wrong. “He was getting real rowdy out there, you know? Picking fights and throwing punches. The new guy handcuffed him to some pipes on a roof, but-”

“How’d y’all get outta there, anyway?” Shane asked, reminding Caden that this wasn’t just a normal reunion.

He hadn’t been nearby when the group got a frantic message from the city. Glenn, Merle, Andrea, T-Dog, Jacqui, and Morales were stuck in a building that was surrounded by walkers. The radio cut out suddenly, leaving everyone uncertain to the group’s fate.

“New Guy. He got us out,” Glenn told Shane.

“New guy?” Shane asked.

Morales called for the new guy to join them.

“The new guy who killed Merle?” Caden asked.

Merle’s name finally seemed to catch Shane’s attention. “Merle’s dead?”

“We don’t know that,” Glenn said quickly. “And it was basically an accident.”

“Basically?” Caden said.

Morales telling Shane the new guy was a cop like him drew Shane’s attention away from Glenn and Caden.

“Well, it’s more T-Dog’s fault, I guess,” Glenn revealed. “He drop-”

“Dad!” Carl yelled gleefully.

Caden looked up, utterly confused. And he watched as Carl ran right into Rick’s arms.

Caden felt dizzy. He pressed his hand on Glenn’s Mustang to remain standing. Rick and Carl hugged, holding onto each other tightly, so overwhelmed by the reunion that Rick was actually crying. Rick. Crying. And alive.

Everyone watched in shock as Rick carried Carl over to Lori.

Rick was alive.

Rick was alive and standing right fucking there.

Holy shit. Rick was _alive_.

Caden knew the same thoughts were racing through Lori’s head as she stared at her husband, returned from the dead in the right way. She looked… Caden didn’t know. Overjoyed and overwhelmed and he wanted to run to her side and hug her, but he was frozen, trying to dig his nails through the metal of the Mustang.

Lori pulled Rick close and hugged him, a hand buried in his curls. It was the most beautiful sight Caden had ever seen. Lori had the love of her life and their son in her arms and it was beautiful.

And then, Lori’s eyes rose over Rick’s shoulder to meet Shane’s gaze. She looked like both the light had just returned to her life and the world had collapsed in on itself.

Instead of sleeping with her dead husband’s best friend, she had cheated on her missing husband with his best friend. She didn’t know. She couldn’t have known but it was Lori. Caden knew his sister well enough to know this wasn’t something she would forgive easily. Not of Shane or herself.

Shane smiled when Rick turned to look at him, but Caden knew the expression on Shane’s face. He might be happy to have Rick back, but his heart was broken. And he was going to have to watch the woman he loved with the man she loved and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Cade,” Rick said.

Caden’s gaze snapped over. Rick was holding a hand out to him, inviting him to join the hold he had on Lori and Carl.

_"’Course Rick knew. Ya never were subtle.”_

“Did you kill Merle?” Caden asked, instead of saying that this was both everything he had wanted and a renewal of the nightmare he’d been living for what felt like his whole life. He was torn between being ecstatic and heart broken, thinking no one probably understood him better at the moment than Shane. Which, he hated. He very much hated that.

Rick glanced back at T-Dog.

Glenn sighed. “I told you, we don’t know if he’s dead. Rick had to handcuff him to a roof. It meant we didn’t have to worry he was gonna kill one of us. And, well… he’s probably still up there.”

Caden blinked slowly.

“You did that?” he asked, looking at Rick in confusion. He wouldn’t just leave Merle trapped up on a roof to starve, would he? Rick was supposed to be a good man.

“He didn’t mean to. I dropped the keys to the handcuffs,” T-Dog said. “It’s my fault.”

“This is gonna wreck Daryl,” Caden said softly.  

“Merle did it to himself, Cade,” Glenn said as Rick searched his face for the joy that should be there at his return. “I mean, that’s not how we’ll put it to Daryl, but Merle wouldn’t have needed to be handcuffed if he had just controlled himself better.”

Caden looked from Glenn to Rick. The sheriff’s deputy almost looked hurt. Caden couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t like Rick came back for him. Caden would have guessed he hadn’t even crossed Rick’s mind. It wasn’t that Rick didn’t care about Caden, it’s just that it had always seemed like Rick couldn’t live without Lori and Carl. That didn’t extend to Lori’s brother.

Caden sighed softly and turned away. “I have to tell Daryl.”

“Hey, hey.” Shane quickly stepped in his path, a hand rising to his shoulder. “Ya ain’t goin’ out there again.”

Shane guided him away from Rick and Lori, both watching with confusion before the joy of having their family back together wiped Caden and Shane from their minds. 

Caden wanted to shove Shane away. But he was tired, and Shane just looked so damn hurt that Caden couldn’t say anything. In fact, he found himself wishing he could comfort Shane, but he didn’t know how, so he just followed instead.

“Guess you didn’t see him actually get killed,” Caden said quietly once they were a suitable distance from the others. “Didn’t tell us that. Guess ya didn’t have to, though. With all that was goin’ on, wouldn’ta mattered what ya said. Rick was in a coma in a hospital where they were shootin’ people. Ain’t a damn reason to think he’d survive that.”

“Yeah,” Shane replied weakly.

“I don’t blame ya, for it all. Lori, though…”

Shane sighed and rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, well… why ain’t you glad he’s back?”

“I am glad. Thrilled. This may be the best thing that’s ever happened to us. It’s just…” Caden didn’t look over, but he could feel Shane’s gaze shift to him. “I remember sittin’ in the back of that car with Carl cryin’ on me while we tried to get to Atlanta, and I would of given anythin’ to get Rick back. Not for me or for Lori, but for him. I lost my pops when I was just a bit younger than him and sometimes I wonder if that’s what ruined me… if that’s why I latched onto a guy more than ten years older than me who’s married to my sister. And I… I was finally able to look Lori in the eye without always feelin’ guilt. I know I’m a terrible person and a worse brother, but I could pretend, ya know, when I thought Rick was dead, that I ain’t some freak. I could look at Lori and just see her, not Rick’s wife.”

Shane patted Caden’s shoulder a bit awkwardly and it was the closest he had ever felt to Shane. “I’m sorry, man.”

“Nah.” Caden smiled a little. “Rick’s back. Can’t be sorry ‘bout that. It just… It’s great, but it still hurts, ya know?”

Shane swallowed and nodded. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)  
> After the next chapter, the pace really picks up and the tone shifts to something a bit darker and I'm pretty excited for it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, can I just tell you how difficult it is to not post a new chapter every day?
> 
> It's easier this time around because the whole story isn't written the way it was with my other one, but I still have this urge to share everything all at once. The point of this is that I'm kinda excited for the next few chapters. So... I want to get them out to you ASAP. I'd say, I'll probably be posting 2-3 other chapters this week. Just so you know :)
> 
> Also, Part 2 of Heard You Crying is coming along splendidly, for anyone who cares. I've got a solid 12 chapters written. I'm thinking I'll get the first chapter out sometime this month. Pretty sure it'll be called Rusted Blood. (Which is a Michael Schulte song, just like Heard You Crying is a Michael Schulte song.)

As soon as the sun was rising, Caden was walking to the trees, planning to slip away with the hope of finding Daryl. He knew it was dumb and that Shane and Lori had good reason to worry about him leaving camp, but he went anyway because he thought maybe Daryl would take the news of his brother slightly better if the one person who hadn’t hated Merle told him. At least, it was a situation that needed to be handled with the utmost care if they didn’t want to push Daryl deeper into isolation. It also helped that going after Daryl got him out of camp.

He had avoided his family the night before and felt terrible about it. He sat down by the lake as they chatted around a fire, listening to Rick tell his story of waking up in the hospital room he, by all reason, should have died in. Caden listened, his head tilted slightly in their direction. He smiled to himself because Rick was alive. But he didn’t want to be anywhere near Rick. Not after finding out that Rick knew and, apparently, had always known, that Caden loved him.

Caden sighed as he looked around at the trees surrounding him, trying to figure out where he’d been and where he was going. He had no clue how Daryl didn’t get lost all the time. He was also very impressed by it.

“Daryl,” Caden whispered, but whispered loudly, hoping Daryl would just find him the way he had the day before. “Daryl?”

Caden listened carefully but the only reply he received was the calling of a few birds in the distance. He looked behind himself, wondering if maybe he should try to turn around. He knew he probably shouldn’t keep going forward at this point. He was lost enough. Getting further away from camp meant Daryl was less and less likely to find him.

He kept walking for a few minutes before he came across a fallen tree. He bit his lip and looked around for a moment before he sat on the trunk with a heavy sigh.

“Daryl?” he said at a more normal volume. “Are ya out here? I mean, ‘course ya are. You’re always out here, but are ya _here_? Fuck, man, I’m gonna get myself killed lookin’ for ya one of these days.”

“Still talkin’ to yourself?”

Caden looked over his shoulder, frowning as Rick approached him with his gun drawn. “What’re ya doin’?”

“There was a walker in camp,” Rick explained. “We got it, but Lori damn near had a heart attack when she couldn’t find ya. Daryl said ya were probably out here, walkin’ in circles.”

“Daryl’s back at camp?” Caden asked, quickly standing from the trunk of the tree. “Did ya tell him ‘bout Merle? Did he take it okay?”

“He might of thrown a punch or two,” Rick answered, eyebrows raising. “He’s calmed down, now. I think he knows Merle ain’t exactly a team player. Anyway, it probably helps that I’m gonna head back into the city; try and bring Merle back.”

Caden shook his head, unable to keep himself from smiling. It made sense that Rick was going to go back into danger, even for someone like Merle. At moments like this, Caden couldn’t blame himself for falling in love with Rick. He was such a genuinely good guy. Who wouldn’t fall for that?

“Had to find ya before leavin’, of course,” Rick added.

Caden’s smile faded.

“Were ya friends with Merle?” Rick asked, studying Caden and the way he stood leaning slightly away.

Caden chuckled weakly. “Ain’t sure it’s possible to be friends with Merle.”

“Then why’s it seem like you’re mad at me?” Rick wondered, and Caden had the urge to simply walk away.

“I ain’t mad at ya, Rick,” he mumbled instead.

“Well, ya sure ain’t happy to see me,” Rick countered.

“That’s not true,” Caden said quickly. He looked into Rick’s incredibly blue eyes. He thought he’d never see that stunning blue again and his own eyes threatened to tear up. He dropped his gaze to the ground and cleared his throat. “It’s just… ya woke up in a new world, Rick. A world where the lucky ones are the dead ones, and I don’t mean these fuckers still walkin’ ‘round. What you’re sensin’ from me… it ain’t anger. I thought ya… stop me if you’ve heard this before, but I thought ya were at peace or some bullshit and now, you’re here. In this hell with us, and I’m happy for it, but it’s a selfish kinda happy.”

Rick laughed softly, making Caden blush. He remembered Shane’s words: _“Me and Rick had some good laughs ‘bout it.”_

He turned away.

“It’s just like ya,” Rick said, a smile in his voice. “Thinkin’ too much. Can’t ya just let yourself be happy?”

No, he didn’t think he could. He was a terrible person who did not deserve the happiness Rick talked about. Worse, Rick knew. Rick knew Caden was a terrible person and that inspired an ache in his chest that he didn’t think he’d ever be rid of. How could Rick even look at him?

“Come on. We need to head back,” Rick said. “I got a mistake to fix.”

“Yeah… I’m glad you’re goin’ back for him,” Caden said softly, following as Rick started the trek back to camp. He certainly couldn’t find his way out on his own. “He’s not anythin’ to write home ‘bout, but Daryl… ain’t like that. The only good in Merle is reserved for his brother, and even that’s questionable half the time. Ain’t like Daryl’s Gandhi or some shit. But he’s got your back if ya got his. He might even be capable of carin’ ‘bout us one day, but not if ya killed his brother.”

“It ain’t like I meant for it to go this way,” Rick replied, sounding exhausted. “I was just tryin’ to get back to my family.”

_His family_ , Caden thought, pressing his lips tightly together. _His wife and his kid._

They continued walking in silence for a few minutes, and Caden struggled to take his eyes off the back of Rick’s head. He kept his hands shoved into his pockets because he wanted, so badly, to reach out and touch Rick. He even put a little more space between them than was probably smart. Which, Rick noticed after glancing over his shoulder to check on him.

“What’re ya doin’ back there?” Rick asked.

“Hm?” Caden quickly looked away from him. His head was turned to the side and he pretended to be looking far into the distance even though the trees only a few feet in front of him prevented such a feat.

“Thinkin’ this is the kinda place where ya need to stay close, Cade,” Rick chuckled.

“Right, yeah, got it,” Caden mumbled.

But a few steps later and he was just as far back again – maybe even a few steps further. He knew it was stupid but when he was within arm’s reach of Rick, he wasn’t sure he could stop himself. He hadn’t clung onto Rick the way Lori and Carl had. He didn’t shake his hand and hug him like Shane had. He hadn’t touched Rick, because that would make it all more real and he wanted that, he did. But he also wanted to stay away. Disappear. Not be part of this anymore.

When there was rustling just to Caden’s right, he realized maybe he should have risked touching Rick, because if that was a walker, he was absolutely screwed, too far from Rick for it to matter if a walker stepped out basically right next to him.

He sighed in relief and couldn’t stop himself from smiling when it was Daryl instead of a walker.

“Man, am I glad it’s-”

Rick’s hand suddenly curled around Caden’s wrist and turned him around, so they were facing each other. Caden stared up at him with wide, confused eyes as Daryl shifted away from the two.

“Thought I just said to stay close,” Rick admonished.

“It… sounded more like a suggestion,” Caden said softly, staring down at Rick’s hand on him.

“Well, it ain’t. You stay close to me or Shane, hear me?”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“You plannin’ on protectin’ yourself?”

“Daryl’s got my back,” Caden said, pointing over his shoulder to where Daryl stood awkwardly.

Rick’s gaze shifted over to Daryl, turning wary.

“Ain’t true,” Daryl replied. Caden thought it sounded half-hearted at best; more like something he felt he needed to say rather than something he truly meant.  

Caden shook Rick’s hand off him. His heart was beating rapidly, and his face felt hot. He needed to not be standing so close to Rick anymore, so he turned to Daryl. “Come on. Lead me outta here.”

“Need to stop gettin’ yourself lost,” Daryl mumbled, walking back toward camp.

“Hey, I came out here for _you_. Because I thought ya should learn ‘bout Merle from a friend.”

“We ain’t friends.”

“We’re totally friends.” Caden looked over his shoulder at Rick. “We’re friends. Don’t let him tell ya otherwise.”

Rick looked unconvinced and uncertain. Caden just couldn’t understand what it was about Daryl that seemed to put people off. When Merle wasn’t around, Daryl was damn near pleasant, if quiet, and with Merle nearby, Daryl was basically just his shadow and sometimes his echo.

Caden sighed and tapped the back of his hand against Daryl’s arm. “Daryl don’t be an ass. Tell him we’re friends.”

“We ain’t friends,” Daryl repeated.

“Well, we ain’t gonna be much longer,” Caden grumbled. “’Cause you’re bein’ an ass, in case ya missed it.”

 Daryl held his middle finger up over his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notice a new tag? One that says non-linear narrative? Well, that really starts now. 
> 
> I liked the format too much change it. I hope it's not too confusing for anyone.

Caden stared at the blood on the tiled floor. It shined in the fluorescent lights of the CDC. He was trying to figure out how this happened. What could he trace this moment back to? Shane had been angry for a while. Always ready to snap. To fight. Ed found that out. The idiot slapped Carol in front of Shane, and he shouldn’t have expected to get away with it without any repercussions, but the brutal beating Shane gave him wasn’t about that. It was about Lori turning Shane down moments earlier and him needing to vent his frustration. Ed just gave him an excuse.

Caden’s hand was trembling as he brought it up to desperately wipe at his lips. It wasn’t like Shane hadn’t been showing signs of losing it. He’d certainly shown he was willing to hurt Caden back at camp. Though, Caden had caught him at a bad time, shortly after they’d been attacked by walkers, losing Amy and Ed, and eventually Jim.

Caden said the same thing to Shane that he’d told Lori just a few hours earlier, making sure to talk to her before Rick returned from his quest to rescue Merle and a bag of guns.

“Rick deserves to know.”

Lori hadn’t been thrilled to hear it. She instantly thought Caden was judging her and she was more defensive than he had ever seen her. But she didn’t lash out at him. She let him explain that he wasn’t judging her because she hadn’t, technically, done anything wrong. He knew she felt she had and that wasn’t going to go away. But he explained that Rick was reasonable and, while he wouldn’t be thrilled, maybe he’d even be angry, he’d come to understand that there was nothing malicious to it. Caden stressed that both she and Shane thought Rick was dead and no one here deserved to be judged for what they did these past few weeks, holding back his thoughts on Shane taking advantage of the situation they found themselves in.

She wasn’t convinced when he walked away. But she said she would think about telling Rick, and that was, honestly, more than Caden had hoped for. She didn’t look into his eyes when she promised she’d work on forgiving herself, but he wasn’t going to push any harder. She was already near tears and Carl was walking toward them.

Caden was on his way to have the same talk with Shane when the walkers attacked camp. He definitely almost died. He watched a chunk of Amy’s neck get bitten off and was just frozen in panic as everyone reacted around him. He only came back to his senses because Lori was yelling for him. Then, he turned and tried to make it back to her. And suddenly one of the walkers was between him and his sister and he was stumbling back. No, he was falling. And it was falling with him. It wasn’t until he was lying under the motionless, rotting corpse, trying not to gag from the smell, that he realized one of Daryl’s crossbow bolts was piercing the walker’s skull. He hadn’t even seen the group return, but he heard the gunshots as they killed the remaining walkers.

Rick was the one that pushed the body off and pulled Caden to his feet as Andrea sobbed over her sister’s body. Caden couldn’t watch and walked slowly over to Daryl.

“Where’s Merle?” Caden asked numbly.

“Don’t know,” Daryl answered. Caden didn’t find out for a few days that they arrived in the city to find nothing of Merle but his hand, and then it was Glenn telling him as an aside during a recounting of how gang members taking care of senior citizens took him hostage.

Caden sat silently on the ground, watching Andrea cradle Amy’s body as others tried to convince her to destroy her brain, knowing Amy would shortly be coming back as one of the walkers. Lori was the one who tried to get the men to give Andrea some time. It was a huge loss, after all. She needed time to come to terms with it.

Everything that unfolded around him felt slow and unreal. Jim revealed that he was bit after some prodding and Carol stabbed a pickaxe into Ed’s skull while sobbing. Amy came back and Andrea had to shoot her sister in the head. Caden walked away after that. The things happening around him were just too overwhelming and if he hadn’t walked away, he likely would have broken down right then and there. Instead, he made his way away from the center of the camp which is why he heard Shane blaming Rick as they dug graves.

And when Rick walked away to check on Carl and Lori, Caden decided it was the best chance he was going to get to talk to Shane alone now that Rick was back.

“That was fucked up,” Caden said. “Blamin’ Rick.”

_Right there,_ Caden thought. The way Shane scrubbed his fingers through the back of his hair. The way his eyes narrowed. The quick few steps he took so that he was looming over Caden. _That was my first warning._

Caden pushed himself up from the CDC floor, using the wall to steady himself. He was still bleeding. And shaking. Hell, he could barely stay standing, the shaking was so bad.

He didn’t know what to do. There was a part of him that wanted to go right to Lori, but he couldn’t do that to her. She was stressed enough with everything going on with Shane and Rick and seeing Caden now would only make that worse. Another part of him wanted Rick; a small part of him always wanted Rick so that was nothing new.

Caden had looked over his shoulder, to watch Rick for a moment, before confronting Shane back at camp. He had considered walking over and sitting with his family, because he’d almost just lost them and one of Carl’s hugs was everything he needed at the moment. But then Rick was holding Lori and they looked so fucking perfect, even in all this mess.

Caden was so happy for Lori. Her family was together again. She had Rick’s arms around her again. He _was_ happy for her. But it hurt like hell for him. The pain would lessen. He had let his shields down when Rick was gone, and it was just taking some time to build them up, so for a while, he’d be trying to avoid these adorable family moments.

Caden turned and looked down the hallway, blood tickling down his throat as he swallowed. _Daryl_.

Shane wasn’t happy to see Caden. He sighed loudly and asked what the hell he was doing. That was when Caden decided to be an idiot and start this conversation by telling Shane that it was fucked up to blame Rick for the walker attack on camp.

Shane shook his head. “’Course you’re takin’ his side.”

That’s when Shane stomped over to loom over him. Getting too close.

“What’s wrong with you?” Shane asked harshly. “ _I_ got ya outta King’s County. _I_ saved your life, but ya still love _him_?”

Caden knew what Shane was saying was meant for Lori. And the way Shane was glaring at him made Caden thankful Lori wasn’t there. He was trying to decide if he should say something or just back away when Shane reached out and gripped his upper arm tightly.

“You’re pathetic,” Shane hissed, and those words were definitely meant for him. “Least he loves her. But you? What the hell are you to him?”

“Shane,” Caden whined quietly.

With each word Shane’s grip tightened. Caden's heart was beating hard, and he was ashamed to realize he was afraid of Shane. 

Did that count as the second warning, the prelude, or the first attack?

Where was Daryl? The CDC was huge, and he’d had a few drinks with everyone else. What were the chances he’d actually find Daryl?

Caden chuckled weakly. Even indoors he couldn’t track Daryl down. Shane was right about one thing – he was pathetic.

Shane was probably right about a lot more than just that.

“You comin’ to tell me that Rick deserves to know, like ya did with Lori?” Shane asked, yanking Caden closer. “That’d be real good for ya, right? Who’d be there to comfort him, huh, Cade? You plannin’ on ruinin’ his marriage just so you can manipulate him into finally fuckin’ ya?”

Caden couldn’t stand it. He tried pushing Shane off him, his cheeks blushing bright red.

“You’re nothin’ to him, Cade,” Shane said, making Caden flinch. “You know how many times I listened to him bitch ‘bout ya? Tellin’ me that you’re nothin’ but a burden to him and Lori. He’d curse his in-laws for havin’ ya. And for leavin’ him to raise a fag who’s in love with him.”

Caden whimpered, no longer fighting back. He wasn’t even sure Shane was seeing him anymore. He was all anger and strength and pain. Caden didn’t realize how much pain Shane was in. And it was such a familiar hurt.

“Ya ever wonder how many times he’s wished you’d just died that night?” Shane hissed, right in Caden’s ear.

Caden slumped in Shane’s bruising grip.

“There was a gun in the house, Cade.” Shane let go of him. “Why didn’t ya just use it?”

Caden turned and walked away. He couldn’t do anything else. He no longer even registered the ache in his arm. He was just wrecked, at the moment, and he needed to get away. It really didn’t help that Rick was the first person he ran into after leaving Shane.

“Can we talk?” Rick asked.

“No,” Caden barely said, continuing past without looking over.

Caden hadn’t said anything to Rick or Shane since. The group left their camp and made their way to the CDC, against Shane’s wishes. It seemed like a lost cause until Rick’s impassioned plea caused Dr. Jenner to open the doors for them. Caden had enjoyed the wine and the company and the shower. But then, Shane found him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments. They certainly brighten my day.


	6. Chapter 6

Maybe if Caden was an angrier person, he’d be more like Shane. Maybe if he had nothing else, he’d be like Shane. But, no matter what he’d never have in Rick, Caden had Lori. And Carl. Nothing, not even Rick, meant as much to him as his sister and nephew.

His nephew.

Caden fell back against the wall. Carl idolized Shane. Even before the walkers, he simply adored Rick’s best friend. Hell, if someone asked who Carl’s favorite uncle was, Caden was sure he would have said “Uncle Shane.”

Caden slowly lowered onto the floor, pressing his hand against the wall for support. The pain in his stomach was starting to numb a little, but his jaw only seemed to hurt worse without that other pain distracting him.

He wished he knew where Daryl was.

Shane came to apologize to him shortly before they left camp. Caden was packing up a tent and didn’t notice Shane until he was already standing right next to him.

Shane turned away like he was simply surveying the group at the center of the camp as they worked toward leaving.

“I’m sorry,” Shane said. “Cade, I just… I don’t know what I was thinkin’.”

“I do,” Caden replied, barely glancing up. “I know exactly what you were thinkin’.”

Shane looked at him.

“You’ve always thought I’m so sad and pathetic for being in love with someone I ain’t got a chance with. And now, we’re in the same boat.” Caden looked up to see Shane rubbing the back of his head as he glared into the distance. “Of course, it’s a little different ‘cause you know what it’s like to be with the person ya love. Maybe that’s why you’re so angry. Anyway, that shit ya said to me, that was more ‘bout you than me. But ya meant every word. And you’re only here apologizin’ ‘cause ya know if I tell Lori ‘bout it, you’re done. She’ll hate ya.”

“Then, why ain’t ya tellin’ her?” Shane snapped.

Caden didn’t answer. He didn’t feel like he could give Shane the truth – that he’d seen the way Lori looked at him and there wasn’t nothing there. Shane had meant more to her than Caden understood. She had somehow developed real feelings for Shane and knowing what he said to Caden would break her heart.

He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t break his sister’s heart just to spite Shane.

“You ain’t gonna tell her ‘cause you know I got worse on ya,” Shane decided. “Don’t make me drag ya down with me, Cade.”

Shane stomped off and Caden still felt like he’d won one. He’d flustered Shane – gave him something to worry about. Caden allowed himself to relax. He thought it was over. That they were even, and they’d just avoid each other until the tension was gone. They’d get along because they loved the same people, but Caden would never forget the things Shane said to him.

But then, Shane got wasted at the CDC. Just drank way too much and Caden knew it the second he saw Shane turn into the hallway and stumble on nothing. He actually headed toward Shane, ready to tell him he’d had enough, and it was time to get to sleep. Shane glanced up at him and his expression instantly changed to one of shock, eyes wide and mouth falling open for just a moment so he looked rather dumb. Shane looked behind himself then back to Caden.

“Shane?” Caden asked cautiously, thinking he might be about to vomit.

The shock wore off Shane’s face and he laughed, rather stupidly. “Thought ya were Lori,” he muttered. “Ya shaved.”

Caden nodded, though there hadn’t been much to shave. He basically just had a perpetual five o’clock shadow when he didn’t shave. But that was really all the difference between his face and Lori’s. So, Caden certainly understood Shane’s confusion. Especially while drunk.

“Come on, man,” Caden sighed. “Let’s get ya to your room.”

Shane leaned heavily against Caden’s side, draping his arm around Caden’s shoulders. He did his best to walk straight with Shane’s weight tilting him to the left. As they walked, Shane’s arm started to slide down Caden’s shoulders. Caden shifted and moved his arm around Shane’s waist to better balance the pair as they continued down the hallway.

And then Shane’s arm went lower. Caden almost didn’t understand what had just happened, when Shane squeezed his ass. It was so unexpected, he only knew it had actually happened because Shane hadn’t moved his hand.

 “ _Fuck_ , Shane.” Caden pushed him away. Shane stumbled, falling back against the wall hard. “What the hell?”

“Ya got a better ass than Lori,” Shane said like it was sexy.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Caden snapped. “God, what’s wrong with you? Damn. Get your drunk ass to your room on your own.”

Shane caught his wrist when he tried to walk away. It was a tighter grip than Caden would have expected from someone as drunk as Shane to muster. He stepped closer, pressing Caden back against the wall.

“Let’s fuck,” Shane suggested. Casual. Words a little slurred.

“You’ve got to be kiddin’ me.”

“Come on. I’m the closest you’re gonna get to Rick.”

“That’s fucked up.” Caden got his wrist free from Shane’s grip, but couldn’t get away from the wall or Shane’s body. “I ain’t interested.”

“Don’t worry.” Both of Shane’s hands slid down to grope Caden’s ass. “I know what I’m doin’. I ain’t gonna hurt ya.”

Caden only really started to panic when Shane started undoing his own belt. With Shane’s hands no longer on him, Caden was able to get his arms between the two of them so he could shove hard against Shane’s chest.

Shane fell. Caden took about three steps away before Shane was yanking him back and smacking him across the face with the back of his hand. Caden was knocked onto the floor with blood in his mouth from biting his tongue at the impact. He opened his mouth and the blood dripped onto the floor and _what was happening?_   Why was Shane doing this?

“You wanna save yourself for someone who ain’t ever gonna want ya, fine,” Shane snapped. He gripped Caden’s hair and yanked him, so he was sitting up on his knees. Caden’s face flushed when he saw Shane’s very hard dick in his other hand. “Suck it, then.”

“Shane,” Caden whimpered, straining away despite the pain that caused due to Shane using his hair to hold him in place.

“Come on, ya know how to do it,” Shane prodded, pressing the tip of his cock against Caden’s lips. He kept his jaw clenched. “I know Merle taught ya.”

Caden’s eyes widened. He wanted to ask how Shane knew, but was afraid of opening his mouth to do so. He could already taste precum.

“That ain’t really somethin’ ya want Lori knowin’, is it?” Shane wondered, looking smugly down at Caden on his knees.

Caden glared back at him.

“Come on.” Shane pressed forward, the swollen head of his cock barely parting Caden’s lips.

Caden closed his eyes and opened his mouth. Shane thrusted forward instantly and continued thrusting, holding Caden’s head in place and doing most of the work himself. It didn’t take long. Caden’s jaw still ached from the stretch after Shane finished, holding Caden’s head in place until he swallowed.

Shane let go of him and tucked himself away. Caden panted, refusing to look up at Shane.

“Lori’s gonna kill ya,” Caden said angrily, unable to think of a single other thing he could say that might leave Shane feeling a little less smug about the whole thing.

It was a dumb thing to say while still on his knees. Shane delivered a sharp kick to his side, knocking him over. He laid on the ground, curling up and clutching his ribs. Shane looked down silently at Caden for an awkward amount of time before suddenly glancing up and down the hallway, apparently just realizing they were out where anyone could walk by and see or hear them.

“Fuck,” Shane muttered, backing away. “Damn it… fuck.”

Caden slowly, very slowly, uncurled as Shane turned and ran down the hallway, leaving him alone. His ribs aching, Caden pushed himself up so he was sitting against the wall. That’s when his eyes fell to the blood on the floor that had dripped out of his mouth. He wiped his swollen lips and tried to piece together what, exactly, led to this.


	7. Chapter 7

Caden found his way, eventually, into an empty room. He had searched for Daryl as long as he could stand to search before needing to just lie down. He fell asleep almost as soon as he landed on the stiff mattress. His mind was racing but it was no competition for his exhaustion.

His ribs ached, and his voice was a little raspy when he woke in the morning. He took a quick, hot shower despite Dr. Jenner’s clear instruction to not waste power and the shower he had taken the night before. It helped a little to ease his sore muscles.

There was a large, dark bruise where Shane had kicked him and the shadow of one across his jaw. It was barely there and Caden thought no one would even notice. He stared at the dark bruise in a long mirror and wondered what the hell Shane was thinking. How could Rick excuse this kind of behavior? Shane could have assaulted anyone, and Rick wouldn’t have been okay with it. Right? When Caden told Rick, he’d do something about it, right?

Caden was having all sorts of doubts. And he didn’t think they were rational, but they still cycled through his head.

What if Rick didn’t believe him? What if Rick believed him, but didn’t care? That might break him. Even worse than that, though, would be if telling Rick led to him figuring out that Shane only chose Caden because he wanted Lori. Caden refused to be the reason Rick learned about Shane and Lori.

As Caden walked down the hallways on his way to rejoin the group, he was starting to doubt he should tell anyone at all. He probably could have fought back harder. He did just kind of give in. He never actually said, “No.” Shane had to know he didn’t want to, but did that count? Would Rick care? Lori would. But he didn’t want to tell her.

He didn’t want to tell anyone. Maybe he was just trying to convince himself that it was okay to not tell anyone. But what if Shane did it again? What if he hurt Lori next time? Caden might not want to tell anyone, but he needed to. He couldn’t hide this when Shane’s true target was her.

Caden walked into the cafeteria to find everyone already there. He felt small and awkward as their eyes turned on him. Like they all knew what he had let Shane do the night before. Like he was changed and dirty, and they could see it.

Most of the others looked worse for wear. He knew what Lori, Rick, and Shane looked like hungover, but now he knew how the others reacted to a night of heavy drinking. Caden was suddenly thankful he hadn’t overindulged the way the others had. Daryl appeared to be the least wrecked of them all.

“You guys look terrible,” Caden said, just trying to break some of the tension that was filling the room. Or was the tension just his? He couldn’t tell.

“Worth it,” Daryl replied.

“Rick.” Caden looked only at Rick, trying to ignore Shane and Lori. “I need to talk to you.”

“Sure,” Rick agreed quickly, taking a step closer.

He seemed a little surprised. Probably because Caden had been avoiding him basically since he came back. Caden certainly hadn’t sought him out.

“Eat first,” Lori said, bringing over a plate of powdered eggs.

“We just ate, like, a feast last night. I’m not hungry and I need to talk to Rick,” Caden replied, unable to meet his sister’s gaze. “It’s important.”

That’s when Dr. Jenner walked in. And Dale started asking questions, backed up by Andrea. Rick seemed to agree that getting answers to their questions was more important than what Caden had to say, and he wasn’t necessarily wrong, it was just that Caden thought the more time that passed, the more difficult it’d be to talk to anyone about this.

Rick put his hand on Caden’s shoulder and squeezed, saying “We’ll talk later, okay?”

“Okay,” Caden mumbled, glancing at Shane.

Shane finally looked at him too. “What happened to your face?” he asked, pointing to the bruise on Caden’s jaw.

“What?” Caden asked, brow furrowed.

“Oh my God, Cade,” Lori gasped, rushing over to lightly touch the bruise. “What happened?”

“Um…” Caden glanced around. Most of the others had left the cafeteria to follow Dr. Jenner. It was just Shane, Lori, Carl, and Rick left, all looking at him. He shifted awkwardly. “Well, um…”

“Guys.”

They looked over to Glenn standing in the doorway.

“Let’s go.”

“Come on.” Lori took Caden’s hand and pulled him out of the room, away from Shane and Rick.

Caden caught her looking at Shane. Was that suspicion in her gaze? Did she really know? There was a small part of him that wanted to pull away from her. The smallest part of him. A part that wanted to shut everyone out and suffer alone. Instead, he held her hand tighter.

She squeezed back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this is probably a sign of my poor writing, but I want to make clear - Shane still went after Lori at the CDC like he did in the show. I don't know if that will ever be explicitly stated. A little more of an explanation for Shane's behavior is coming in the next few chapters, but I thought it was important to make sure you know that moment of canon still happened, even if not shown or stated. 
> 
> Also, sorry for the short chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter was a little bit of a pain in the ass. Sorry for the wait. 
> 
> So, most of the dialogue here is not mine. It's a big moment in the show and I just didn't know how else to do it. Any conversation that does not happen directly with Caden was not my doing and credit goes to the writers of the episode "TS-19."

It was like a spark of nothing. Caden stood at the back of the crowd, to be as far from Shane as possible, and watched the death and reanimation of the CDC’s Test Subject 19. After death, there was a spark of nothing and the person was back, but not alive.

The spark was just a dull, red light firing off slowly. Rick said it best; it was nothing like before death with the bright blue racing throughout functioning synapses. Compared to that, the light after the Second Event was nothing and it made Caden dizzy.

If Caden had to summarize what Dr. Jenner told them, he’d simply say that hope was gone. There was no cure. No one working on a cure. It was going to be like this from here on out – a spark of nothing.

Caden hadn’t felt this hopeless before. And he had felt pretty damn hopeless in the past.

Caden slowly moved to sit in a chair at one of the many desks. He leaned back, staring at the screen after the bullet passed through T-S 19’s skull, extinguishing the spark.

Jacqui’s suggestion that this was the wrath of God made Caden feel sick. It wasn’t that, he told himself. It couldn’t be that. God couldn’t be so cruel.

“There’s nothing left anywhere. Nothing. That’s what you’re really saying, right?” Andrea asked and Caden felt queasy. He put his hands on the back of his head and wondered if there was any point in trying anymore.

“Man, I wanna get shit-faced drunk again,” Daryl mumbled. Caden almost smiled.

Dale pointed to the clock on the far wall. Caden noticed it when they first walked in, but he wasn’t going to mention it. By the time attention was drawn to it, the clock had about an hour left.

“That clock. It’s counting down,” Dale observed. “What happens at zero?”

“The… basement generators, they run out of fuel,” Jenner answered.

“And then?” Rick asked.

When Dr. Jenner didn’t provide an answer, Rick asked the building’s AI the same question. The thing had creeped Caden out already and hearing her declare that a facility-wide decontamination would take place did not make it any better.

Decontamination. Caden took that to mean one thing.

An end.

Caden stared at the clock and was relieved. He wasn’t hearing anything. Not a word Rick, Shane, or Dr. Jenner was saying.

He was so tired. And he didn’t want this for the people he loved. Not for Lori or Carl. Not Rick. Or Daryl. Glenn. He didn’t want this for any of them, but it was almost a relief to see an approaching end.

He covered his aching side with his palm.

Rick and Shane took T-Dog and Glenn into the basement to see if there was anything they could do to prevent decontamination. Lori tried to get Caden to leave the control room with her and Carl, but he shook his head, eyes not leaving the clock. She kissed the side of his head before walking out with Carl.

Caden only looked away from the count down when he felt a light tap on his shoulder.

“Ya okay?” Daryl asked.

“No,” Caden answered. “You?”

Daryl shook his head.

“Ya miss Merle?”

Daryl shrugged. Then nodded.

“Me too,” Caden sighed. He pointed toward the clock. “Looks like we’re gonna die. I shoulda just had sex with him.”

Daryl shook his head and walked away. Caden sighed and wondered what it would have been like, to have slept with Merle. Probably rough, but good. Like everything that happened between them. Not like whatever happened last night with Shane. That was scary. No matter Merle’s threats, Caden never saw him as an actual danger.

The building slowly started shutting down; the air conditioning and the lights turning off. That clock remained, just counting down.

Caden looked over when the rest of the group started converging in the room where he still sat. He wasn’t sure when all of them had even left. And it took him a moment to catch up with what they were saying.

Dr. Jenner was telling the others about the French holding out the longest. And the power grid failing them all.

Caden took a slow, deep breath.

Rick shouted for everyone to grab their things. Caden remained motionless. It was the moment he decided he was going to stay.

Caden didn’t even flinch at the alarm and red, flashing light. It heightened the panic around him and he wanted to care. He just couldn’t. He just felt so detached from what was happening, waiting for it to finally end.

He only moved when the doors in the control center closed, locking the group inside. He stood quickly, looking to Rick for guidance. But Rick was accusing Dr. Jenner of lying, both about there being no hope and the building being impossible to get out of.

Daryl tried to attack Dr. Jenner, just barely being caught before smashing a bottle over his head. This felt wrong. Caden had wanted to die but he thought his family would survive. He didn’t want them to die with him.

A yelling match led to Dr. Jenner revealing what Caden had figured out a while ago – decontamination meant a huge explosion. Caden decided the others were just in denial before if they were shocked now, and some seemed to be; Carol clinging onto Sophia and crying. Rick hugged Lori and Carl. Caden wondered what they had all been so worried about if they didn’t expect something like this.

“It sets the air on fire,” Dr. Jenner said. “No pain. An end to sorrow, grief… regret. Everything.”

Caden jumped at the loud, metallic thuds when Daryl and Shane started trying to break down the door. It was of absolutely no use. He was looking at Rick when Daryl lunged at Dr. Jenner with an axe. He looked over just in time to see the others dragging Daryl away from the doctor. Caden slowly sat back down. This wasn’t how he wanted it to go, but he wasn’t about to spend the last minutes of his life panicking or fighting. With tears in his eyes he looked from Rick to Lori to Carl and thanked God for the time he had with them.

There was more arguing and Caden was just getting tired of it. Dr. Jenner revealed that Rick had told him he thought it was only a matter of time before everyone he loved was dead. That seemed to upset some of the others – that the hope Rick had peddled before hadn’t been genuine.

Lori reached out to Caden, but he didn’t move any closer to his sister.

Shane walked off and came back with a gun, standing right in front of Dr. Jenner and pointing the gun in his face. Dr. Jenner seemed completely unaffected as Rick tried to talk Shane out of killing him. Shane yelled in frustration, but didn’t shoot Dr. Jenner. Instead, he fired the gun at one of the nearby computers. Caden scrambled away and ducked. But he wasn’t really surprised. That seemed just about right, for how Shane had been acting lately. He was more surprised that Rick was actually able to wrestle the gun away from Shane, knocking him to the ground while taking it.

That was when Caden saw the scratches on Shane’s neck. His brow furrowed as he gazed at the marks, trying to remember if he did that. He didn’t think so.

He didn’t really fight back.

Lori and Rick started pleading with Dr. Jenner, telling the broken man that they just wanted a _chance_.

“Let us keep trying as long as we can,” Lori pleaded.

Caden hoped it would work for them. But he was even more convinced that this was supposed to be it for him. How defeated Dr. Jenner looked was more than enough reason to give up, in Caden’s book. If anyone knew when to give up on the world in its current state, it would be the last doctor at the CDC.

Dr. Jenner opened the doors, warning that the upper floors were still in lockdown and the group wouldn’t make it out anyway.

“There’s your chance,” Dr. Jenner said. “Take it.”

Caden looked back at the clock. A little more than four minutes were left.

“I’m grateful,” Rick said.

“The day will come when you won’t be,” Dr. Jenner responded.

“Let’s go!” Glenn called.

Caden glanced at the clock, then back to Rick. Dr. Jenner was shaking his hand and leaning close.

“Hey! We’ve got four minutes left!” Glenn warned. “Come on!”

Caden remained sitting when the others moved toward the exit. He didn’t think they even noticed, and they probably wouldn’t have until it was too late if Jacqui hadn’t stopped, causing many of them to turn and look at her.

“I’m stayin’ sweetie,” she told T-Dog and Caden’s heart broke for her. Goodbyes were the worst.

“I’m not ending up like Jim and Amy,” she said morosely. “There’s no time to argue. And no point. Not if you want to get out. Just get out.”

Lori’s eyes found Caden.

“I’m staying too,” Andrea said.

Caden was surprised. He had thought Andrea was stronger than that. Dale started to argue with her. Caden couldn’t pay attention to them, though, because Lori was calling for him. He looked at her.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“Caden!” Lori started toward him, but Rick quickly caught her and gently pushed her right into Shane’s arms as Dale yelled for them to go.

“Get ‘em out,” Rick ordered Shane.

Lori kept calling for Caden, getting more desperate as Shane ushered her closer to the exit.

“Get up,” Rick demanded as he stormed toward Caden.

“I’m gonna stay,” Caden said, looking past Rick.

“You ain’t doin’ this shit to us, Cade. Get up.”

“Rick, ya need to leave. You got a family to look after.”

Rick grabbed Caden’s upper arm and pulled him up from his chair. “You’re part of that family. And you’re not leavin’ us.”

Caden looked back at the clock. If Rick didn’t leave soon, he was going to die too.

“Caden!” Rick’s grip on him was painful.

“Fuck, Rick,” Caden snapped, shoving him away. “Go!”

Rick got too close. Caden stared at his lips. “Ya want me to die for ya, Cade? Is that it?”

“No, of course not,” Caden basically whispered.

“Then, let’s go,” Rick hissed, grabbing his wrist and pulling him toward the door.

Caden followed. Once Rick realized Caden had no more fight left in him, he sped up, pulling him at a quicker pace. Soon they were running, Rick still holding his wrist tightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for hanging in there. 
> 
> By the time you're reading this, I'll have changed the tags around, so please, take a look and make sure what's coming isn't going to be triggering for you. My plans for the story have drastically changed after writing chapter 13. 
> 
> I'm probably also gonna have to label this a slow burn. I didn't mean for it to be, but it feels like a slow burn, doesn't it? 
> 
> Damn it, Rick, just be gay already.


	9. Chapter 9

Rick had damn near crushed Caden’s wrist while dragging him out of the CDC. The bruise that wrapped around it was almost as dark as the one on his side. He sat on the side of the road staring at it, unable to get the light of the explosion out of his mind. It seemed like it had almost blinded him as he peered out from the RV window. It had been a relief to see Dale and Andrea come running out just in time to survive as well. But watching the CDC crumble and burn with Jacqui and Dr. Jenner inside hadn’t improved Caden’s mood.

The twinge of pain in his wrist every time he moved it was a mere annoyance compared to the pain emanating from his side. In the rush to escape and one of the explosions – either the one Rick used to break a window or the one that destroyed the CDC – Caden had agitated the sore ribs. It was just enough to hurt with every breath he took unless it was a shallow breath. So, he sat there, breathing shallowly, as the others discussed what came next.

No one asked for his opinion, but his last decision was to burn alive, so he wasn’t necessarily surprised that they didn’t want his input. No one had really even looked at him. At least, that’s what he thought. Until Daryl was standing in front of him, arms crossed and tense as he looked down at him.

“What happened to ya?”

Caden’s eyebrows rose. “Hm?”

Rick was walking over. Caden tried not to notice.

“You’re favorin’ your left side,” Daryl said, pointing.

“Careful, Daryl, you’re startin’ to sound like you give a fuck,” Caden replied.

“Looks like your ribs,” Daryl continued.

“Hey.” Rick was glaring at Caden. “Let’s talk.”

“Since when do you talk ‘bout your shit, Rick?” Caden replied bitterly.

“Let’s go,” Rick snapped.

Caden moved slowly to get on his feet, which meant there was no pain. He looked Daryl right in the eye as he straightened up, smirking like “look what I did.”

Daryl jabbed him in the ribs.

Caden groaned and bent forward, into the pain like that could stop it. He put his hand over the spot and sputtered.

“Yeah.” Daryl looked at Rick. “It’s the ribs.”

And Daryl just walked away like he hadn’t done anything.

Caden’s attention first shifted to Lori. He was thankful she was busy with Carl and Sophia, not paying him any attention. His eyes moved to Shane, who had been watching Lori and Carl.

“Cade.”

He looked back at Rick, trying to erase the pain from his face.

“Follow me,” Rick ordered.

“Bossy ain’t a good look on ya,” Caden lied.

Rick didn’t respond. He barely glanced over his shoulder as if to make sure Caden was following. He led Caden over to the other side of the RV. Then, Rick spun on him.

“I’m hopin’ you’re gonna explain yourself,” Rick said.

“What’re ya talkin’ ‘bout?” Caden asked, tilting his head and looking up at Rick with big eyes.

“Let’s start with that.” Rick pointed to Caden’s left side.

“With what?”

“What’s goin’ on with your ribs, Cade?”

“Huh?”

“Ya know I hate when ya do this.”

“Do what?”

Rick suddenly pushed Caden just a step back so that he was pressed against the RV. He kept one hand firmly on Caden’s shoulder to hold him in place as the other grabbed the hem of his shirt and lifted it just high enough to reveal the bottom inch or so of his bruise.

“Shit, Cade.” Rick pulled the shirt up higher until the full bruise was on display. “What the hell happened?”

Caden stared at Rick silently. His anger was gone, just replaced with shame and he didn’t want Rick to know what happened. And he had known this would happen. It had been too long. He didn’t know what to say. He’d barely convinced himself to tell Rick back at the CDC.

He felt himself shaking again. He wondered if Rick could feel it.

“Sh-Shane.”

Rick finally let go of his shirt. “What?”

Caden closed his eyes. He reminded himself that Lori was in danger. This wasn’t about him. Shane didn’t give a damn about him. It was Lori he wanted.

He slowly opened his eyes and looked up into Rick’s. “He kicked me. Hit me and…”

Rick was staring intensely at him, not saying anything.

Caden hadn’t said no. He hadn’t fought. No one pried his mouth open. This was Shane. Rick’s best friend. Someone Caden had known most of his life. This was _Shane_.

“He… he was pretty drunk,” Caden muttered.

Rick stepped back, hands on his hips. “Why would Shane do that?”

Caden didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure what to say. Saying too much would hurt Lori. Not saying enough would leave Shane in place to hurt her worse.

“Caden. Why would Shane do that?” Rick repeated, his voice low.

“He uh…” Caden glanced around. No one followed them. No one was near them. “He wanted a blow job?”

It was kind of the truth, leaving out the Lori of it all.

Rick’s eyes dropped momentarily down to Caden’s mouth.

“You… don’t seem surprised,” Caden said quietly.

Rick shrugged. “He’s been with guys before.”

“Oh.” Caden looked down at the ground. That was news. The whole thing made a little more sense.

“It don’t sound like Shane. Beatin’ on ya ‘cause ya wouldn’t… do that,” Rick said.

Caden frowned. Rick was absolutely certain that he had turned Shane down, and it was just another reminder that Rick _knew_. Caden could barely bring himself to let anyone touch him, until he thought Rick was dead, because he was so hopelessly in love and Rick fucking knew it.

And it was petty. So damn petty and a little dangerous. But Caden looked right into Rick’s eyes and said, “I did it.”

Caden saw something. It was so quick. Did Rick’s eyes narrow? Flick back down to Caden’s lips? His jaw clenched. Caden was almost positive his jaw clenched. Maybe.

“You said he was drunk?” Rick asked after a moment.

“Fucking wasted,” Caden answered. “I’m not sure he remembers it. He asked ‘bout a bruise he gave me like he didn’t remember, if that means anything.”

Rick looked away from him.

Caden fought against the urge to apologize.

“Why’d he hurt ya if you gave him what he wanted?” Rick mumbled distantly.

Caden sighed loudly. He couldn’t win with this conversation. “I don’t know, Rick. Ask him.”

“I’m gonna,” Rick mumbled. He looked back at Caden. “Is this what you wanted to talk to me ‘bout back at the CDC?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. That’s done, then. Now, you gonna tell me why you wanted to die back there?”

“Fuck, Rick,” Caden groaned. “Who cares? Just run along and tell Lori I’m fine. It was a moment of weakness and I’ll never do it again.”

“You mean the same shit you said last time?” Rick asked calmly.

“Yeah, but this time I _really_ mean it,” Caden replied.

“You’re gonna break her heart.”

“You can fuck off with that shit. The world ain’t the same as before. Wantin’ to die ain’t as crazy as it was before, and if you’re tellin’ me you didn’t think about stayin’ for just a second, you’re lyin’.”

Rick stared at him silently.

“How much longer ya think I’m gonna last, anyway, Rick?” Caden asked quietly.

“I’m gonna keep ya safe,” Rick said.

“You’re gonna try.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and the kudos and comments. Means a lot <3


	10. Chapter 10

Rick didn’t know what the fuck was going on with his family.

There was definitely something off with Lori, though it had taken a while to notice, like she was trying to hide it from him. She was quiet and uneasy the morning they spent at the CDC. It felt like a distant memory, due to the amount he’d had to drink that night, but Lori had been crying at the CDC, too. He thought she was just scared for herself, Carl, and Caden and he understood that. He just told her they didn’t need to be afraid anymore. Their family would be safe in this new place.

That turned out to be a dumbass thing to say.

So, something was going on with Lori and he was starting to catch on. He caught on much quicker to the change in Shane.

Shane was angry and aggressive and seemed to be looking for fights, which Rick had never seen him do before. Rick understood that they weren’t in a place where Shane could be the lighthearted guy he grew up with, but this tense, wrathful Shane sometimes felt like a stranger. Then they’d have a good moment like the night at the CDC, drinking and eating around one long table like a family, and he’d forget that Shane had seemingly changed, until something happened to remind him. This time, Shane reminded him by hurting Caden.

Rick turned, looking over at Caden as he, once again, argued with Daryl about the two of them being friends. Glenn was watching them like they were a tennis match.

The whole thing with Caden and Shane didn’t feel right.

Caden told Rick the reason Shane hurt him was because he wanted a blow job. Those were Caden’s words, but then he looked into Rick’s eyes and told him he did it. He got on his knees and let Shane do that to him.

But why would Shane hurt him, then? It was either a punishment for not doing it or… what?

Shane didn’t have any answers. He looked confused when Rick told him what happened. He said he got too drunk that night and didn’t remember much.

Rick searched his best friend’s eyes and asked, “Why’d ya hurt him?”

“Knowin’ him, he said somethin’ that pissed me off,” Shane said, shrugging. “I was drunk, man. I don’t remember any of this shit.”

“You plannin’ on doin’ it again?”

“No, I ain’t plannin’ on beatin’ on Cade again. Jesus Christ, Rick,” Shane answered, rolling his eyes.

“Well, you’ve been doin’ a lot of things I never thought you’d do, so I figured I better ask,” Rick replied.

Shane looked at him curiously.

“Why’d he do it, Shane?” Rick asked. He didn’t mean for it to sound so much like the accusation it was.

“What’re ya sayin’?”

“It ain’t like him.”

Shane’s eyes narrowed on his best friend. “What the fuck are you sayin’, Rick? You think it’s more like me, to what? Assault him?”

Rick sighed and backed up a step. That was ridiculous. This was Shane. What had he been thinking?

“You were dead, man,” Shane reminded him. “He moved on. Not with me, mind you, but he’s over ya, Rick. And he’s makin’ up for lost time. Shit, look at him with Daryl.”

Rick didn’t. He kept his eyes on Shane.

“He’s bein’ a little more than friendly, if ya ask me,” Shane continued. “But what the hell, right? Options are limited and they’re both adults. I ain’t really surprised. We already knew he has shit taste in guys.”

Rick allowed himself a small chuckle.  Shane laughed a little in return and some of the tension dissipated.

“Can ya not tell Lori, ‘bout this shit with Caden?” Shane asked. “Spare me the lecture, ya know?”

Rick shrugged. “I ain’t gonna say anything.”

“Thanks, man.”

“Hey.” Rick quickly caught Shane’s eye before he could walk away. “Ya can’t hurt him again. I won’t hide it from Lori next time and she’ll want me to handle it. Don’t put me in that position, Shane.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Shane replied, and he didn’t actually roll his eyes again, but he sounded like he wanted to.

There were things left for Rick to do before they got back on the road. Stuff that needed done. But as Shane walked away, Rick just turned his attention back to Caden. He was still talking to Daryl and smiling. He pointed at Glenn, who nodded animatedly.

Rick wasn’t sure when he got used to the idea that his brother-in-law was in love with him. One day it just wasn’t weird anymore. And he knew, eventually, Caden would meet the right guy and he’d move on. But Daryl Dixon? Shane? Those weren’t the kind of guys he expected to take his place.

“Cade,” he called.

Caden looked over, smile falling because he never seemed to smile at Rick anymore.

“Come here.”

Still, he rose from where he sat, said something to Daryl, then Glenn, and jogged over to stand obediently in front of Rick.

“Yeah?”

Rick didn’t know what to say. He just wanted to make sure Caden would still come to him when he called. He wanted to make sure Caden would still choose him, even when in the middle of a conversation with Daryl.

“Um… you, uh…” Rick’s eyes left Caden’s curious face and the first person he saw was Lori, running her fingers through Carl’s hair as she knelt in front of him and talked softly, much the way Rick had first seen his wife and son when he arrived at the Atlanta camp. “Lori seem okay to ya?”

Caden shifted slightly away from Rick. “As okay as everyone else,” he answered.

Rick hadn’t looked for Caden when he got to the camp. He saw Lori and Carl and just ran to them. As he looked at Caden now, he felt guilty for that.

“Are ya okay?” Rick wondered. He regretted it as soon as the question left his mouth.

Caden laughed. “Yeah, Rick,” he said in that sarcastic way of his that drove Rick crazy. “Everything’s exactly how I always wanted it to be. Couldn’t ya tell?”

“Don’t gotta be a smart ass,” Rick grumbled.

Caden sighed softly. “Sorry. It was just… a dumb question.”

“I know. Sorry.”

“Whatever,” Caden said. “That all ya needed?”

Rick’s gaze dropped to Caden’s mouth. He’d been trying hard as hell to not imagine Caden’s lips wrapped around a dick, but looking at Caden now, it was all he could see. Caden on his knees, his glistening lips stretched wide. He’d come apart for Rick in a way he would for no one else. Rick probably wouldn’t even have to touch him, but he would. He’d curl his fingers in Caden’s dark hair and –

Rick shook himself from his thoughts.

“You’re bein’ weird, Rick,” Caden said.

Rick realized his hand was on Caden’s shoulder, squeezing. He quickly dropped his arm to his side.

Rick forced himself to chuckle, hoping it sounded real. “Guess I am. Sorry.”

Caden shrugged. “Can I go? I was kinda in the middle of somethin’.”

“Yeah,” Rick said, though the last thing he wanted was to let Caden walk back over to Daryl.

Rick hated the twinge of… it wasn’t jealousy. He refused to believe this was jealousy as he watched Caden return to Daryl and Glenn. Caden may love him, but he didn’t belong to Rick. No matter if that’s what it felt like – what it had felt like ever since Caden was nineteen and Rick walked in on him making out with some random guy who had no right to touch Caden, let alone shove his tongue down Caden’s throat.

Caden’s cheeks had been flushed and his pupils were wide, lips red and wet and he had been enjoying himself so much he looked dazed when Rick yanked the man off him. It was not an image easily forgotten. And he hated the thought that Daryl may have seen Caden like that.

An uneasiness twisted in Rick’s gut. He didn’t want anyone else to see Caden in such an intimate state, but that wasn’t new; he'd never been comfortable with the thought of Caden being with anyone. However, the urge to touch Caden was new. And strong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Comments, questions, or concerns?


	11. Chapter 11

“I tried,” Shane mumbled as they were driving to Lori’s house after leaving the hospital the day everything with the walkers began. “I tried to grab Rick. Carry him out. Got a stretcher. And they were just shootin’ people.”

“Wh-who are they?” Caden asked, bracing himself against his seat and the dashboard, since Shane had taken off at high speeds before Caden even got his hands on his seatbelt.

“I don’t know. Army, I think. Looked like army.”

“They killed Rick?”

“No. No. But I-I didn’t hear a heartbeat, Cade. I listened and the machines – he was attached to all these machines and I didn’t know how to get him out. There-there was this explosion, I think, and the machines were quiet, and I didn’t hear a God damn heartbeat.”

Caden had stared at Shane, speechless. Rick was dead. Shane went on to ramble about his first encounter with the walkers, but Caden still couldn’t remember much of that day. What he did remember, he almost wasn’t sure was real. He was watching Shane and Rick talk quietly as everyone prepared to pile into whichever vehicle they were travelling in and he just remembered.

Shane was wrecked by the loss of Rick. He just kept pushing forward to keep Lori and Carl alive. He needed them as much as they needed him and Caden understood how Shane and Lori ended up with each other.

He wished they hadn’t, but he understood.

Rick and Shane were both going to be riding in the RV. And Caden so badly just wanted to remove himself from both of them.

Caden quickly walked over to Daryl, sitting on Merle’s motorcycle and patiently waiting for everyone else to get their shit together.

“Let me ride bitch,” Caden said, pointing at the back of the bike.

“Huh?”

“Let me ride on the back.”

“Oh. No.”

“What the fuck, Daryl? You didn’t even think ‘bout it.”

Daryl shrugged. “Don’t gotta. Answer’s no.”

“I _cannot_ ride in that RV,” Caden said, letting some of his desperation into his voice, hoping that would sway Daryl.

“I ain’t sure how that’s my problem,” Daryl replied, not even looking at Caden.

“Fuck, Daryl. I mean, _shit_.”

“What?” Daryl asked like he didn’t understand Caden’s exasperation.

“Alright, listen to me. We’re friends. I don’t care what ya have to say ‘bout it. We’re friends and I’d bet I’m the best friend you ever had, so you’re gonna let me ride on the back of your bike because I need to and we’re friends so you’re going to help me out because that’s what friends do, damn it.”

Daryl looked at him silently for a long moment. It was the hardest he had ever seen Daryl think.

“Listen,” Caden began quietly, because it looked like Daryl just needed a little more of a push before giving in. “Shane kinda beat me up a little back at the CDC. I’m just tryin’ to avoid him a little longer, kay?”

Daryl snorted. “You’re lyin’.”

“Excuse me?” Caden huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You’re lyin’.”

“You’re the one that noticed my ribs are hurt,” Caden reminded him, motioning to his left side.

“Ain’t Shane that did that.”

“Why are ya so sure of that?”

“Lori’d have made some scene or somethin’.”

“Lori don’t know.”

“Why not?”

Caden was glaring at Daryl. “Why can’t ya just believe me?”

“Why wouldn’t ya tell your sister?”

“Because… fuck, Daryl, just be nice to me for once.”

Daryl sighed incredibly loudly. “Fine,” he said tensely. “If Rick let’s ya.”

“Rick ain’t the boss of me,” Caden said quickly.

Daryl chuckled. “Sure, he ain’t.”

“I spent half my life defyin’ Rick.”

“I don’t buy it.”

“Alright, ya know what, watch me.”

Caden turned and stomped toward Rick and Shane, ignoring the uncomfortable twisting and turning in his stomach. Caden had told Rick that Shane hurt him and did Rick even care? Here he was just chatting with Shane like nothing had changed because it hadn’t, for them. But it wasn’t Rick that was twisting his stomach into knots. It was Shane.

Caden was afraid of Shane.

“I’mma ride with Daryl,” Caden said, only looking at Rick. Trying to pretend Shane wasn’t standing close enough to touch him.

Both looked at him. Caden clenched his fists because his every instinct was to step away from the two men and he was trying to fight those instincts.

“Daryl’s just got a bike,” Rick said.

“I know,” Caden said. “I’m ridin’ on the back.”

Rick laughed. “No, ya ain’t.”

“I’m sorry, Rick, but I was informin’ ya of a decision that’s already been made, not askin’ for your permission,” Caden replied as sweetly as he could muster while making sure the words still dripped with sarcasm. It was a feat he had mastered years ago and he knew Rick hated it.

“That’s a damn shame, Cade, ‘cause my permission’s what you’re gonna need,” Rick replied, hand rising to rest on Caden’s arm. “And ya ain’t gonna get it.”

“Why?” Caden asked, trying not to sound like a pouting kid.

“Shit, ya really gotta ask that? It’s a motorcycle and ya don’t even got a helmet.”

“Daryl never wears a helmet, and ya never bother him ‘bout it.”

“Daryl ain’t my responsibility.”

“Well, who decided I was?”

“My wife.”

Caden glared at him.

“Your sister,” Rick added.

That was how Caden ended up pouting in the back of the RV, trying to ignore Shane sitting right across from him, cleaning his gun with Andrea’s rapt attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're in for a few time jumps in the coming chapters. So, if you've felt that we've been moving at a snail's pace, you're not wrong. But that should change soon.


	12. Chapter 12

“Shh,” Caden pleaded, pressing a trembling finger to his lips.

How did this happen? They were going to die – how had this happened?

The radiator hose in the RV broke. They had been snaking their way through a large stretch of vehicles, left over from hundreds of people trying to make an escape. Daryl was leading them through on Merle’s bike and Caden was momentarily thankful he was in the RV, even if he was within an arm’s reach of Shane. It just felt like Daryl was so exposed.

They couldn’t go any further without a new radiator hose, so they started searching the cars carefully. T-Dog and Daryl were siphoning fuel while Shane found water and then there was one walker. Then two. Then more. And an impossible amount more.

No. Before that. This happened because of his argument with Rick. Rick had approached him slowly, looking at Caden like he was a wild animal. No, not quite that. More like Caden was a domesticated dog that had growled at his master.  

“If ya can find a helmet, I’ll try to convince Lori to let you ride with Daryl,” Rick said.

“Really?” Caden asked skeptically.

“It’s better than watchin’ ya mope all day.”

Caden rolled his eyes. “I ain’t mopin’.”

Rick hesitated before asking, “Are ya this miserable just ‘cause I wouldn’t let ya ride with Daryl or… is this ‘bout what ya did with Shane?”

It seemed wrong; saying what happened was something he did with Shane. It wasn’t. It was something Shane made him do. Wasn’t it? It was bothering hm more and more that he hadn’t said “no.” That he hadn’t fought back more. Anyone else would have fought back, he told himself, and he was feeling weak and pathetic for giving into what Shane wanted.

“If you’re feelin’ guilty-”

“Guilty?” Caden repeated.

He was suddenly nauseous. It was another reminder that Rick had always known about Caden being in love with him. How deep did Rick’s knowledge go? Did he know how Caden made himself suffer for years? Did he know that Caden hated himself for how he felt?

It felt a little like something snapped in Caden’s chest. Years of repression shattered.

Rick sighed quietly. “I know you and Dar-”

“Guilty ’cause it wasn’t you?”

Rick’s eyes widened. “What?”

“Do ya know that too?” Caden asked quietly. “That I feel guilty every time someone touches me like I belong to you?”

The words horrified him, but they fell from his lips anyway, and this was it. He had been dreading this moment, but knew he’d eventually have to confront Rick about his feelings and how Rick knew. He just wished it was happening when he felt a little calmer. When he wasn’t so on edge at just the mention of Shane.

“Cade,” Rick said, and it sounded like a warning.

“Should have told me ya knew,” Caden whispered, because he couldn’t stop now. There were tears in his eyes, and his voice, and his hands were shaking, but he had opened the floodgates. Even if he was afraid of what might pour out, he couldn’t silence himself. “I shouldn’ta heard ‘bout it from Shane. Ya shoulda never told Shane.”

“We ain’t talkin’ ‘bout this,” Rick said, sounding almost desperate to end the conversation.

“Did ya really laugh ‘bout it?” Caden asked. The color drained from Rick’s face. “While I was torturin’ myself tryin’ to hide it, were ya laughin’ ‘bout it? After I tried to kill myself ‘cause I’m sick and wrong for lovin’ ya, did you still call me a burden?”

“Cade, ya ain’t-”

“I think you should stay away from me for a while,” Caden said, backing away.

“Listen to me-”

“I was movin’ on. Before ya came back, I was. So, stay away. I need to move on. I can’t be _this_ anymore.”

Rick stepped closer. “Stop. Let me talk,” he said, probably a little louder than he should.

Caden jerked away when Rick’s hand landed on his arm. “Don’t touch me.”

Rick grabbed him anyway. “Don’t just walk away from me. Not without lettin’ me explain some things.”

“Don’t touch me,” Caden repeated, shoving Rick away so Rick’s nails scratched across his skin.

“Fuck.” Rick quickly stepped forward, looking down at the red scratch marks.

“Hey.”

Caden’s eyes shifted to Shane, approaching them quickly. Anger flared inside him. All of this was Shane’s fault. Shane, the dumbass motherfucker who left Rick behind, made Lori fall for him, and made Caden suck his dick, leading to this terrible conversation he wasn’t sure he and Rick could ever come back from.

“What the hell are ya doin’?” Shane snapped quietly.

Caden smacked Rick’s hand away when he tried to lift his arm to get a better look at the marks he left. “Fuck off, Shane.”

“How ‘bout ya calm down,” Shane said.

“No, fuck that. Now that I’m riled up, I’m gonna go have a chat with Lori,” Caden said. “I’m gonna make sure she knows _exactly_ what happened at the CDC.”

“Hey–” Shane put his hand on Caden’s shoulder to keep him from walking away. Caden scrambled a few steps back, skin crawling. “–I could have a quick chat with her too. Tell her how you’ve been whorin’ yourself out for protection.”

“What?” Caden whispered, his eyes going wide.

“That’s why ya got on your knees for me. Same with Dixon. Least he was sober when ya came onto him. I can’t even remember it.”

Caden felt like he couldn’t breathe. Shane was blaming him. Saying Caden took advantage of him and for what? Protection? Like he didn’t get that from Rick or Daryl without giving up pieces of himself. But why wasn’t Rick saying anything? Caden glanced to him – he looked pale and tired. He was staring into Caden’s eyes and it looked… accusing.

He believed Shane. Rick looked like he believed Shane, but why wouldn’t he? Shane was his best friend. What the hell was Caden to either of them? Just a burden to carry together.

Caden could feel the fight fleeing from his muscles. His heart was beating hard. It _hurt_.

Slowly, he looked back to Shane.

“What happened to ya?” he asked quietly. He searched Shane’s eyes, remembering who he was before. “Why… why are you like this? Did ya think… no… ya know what… never mind. I can’t even, right now, like a fucking teenage girl. That’s what ya assholes have done to me. And I will not ride in that RV a second longer with either of ya.”

There was a moment of tense silence before Rick said, “I can help ya look for a helmet.”

“Fuck off,” Caden replied.

He turned and stormed away. That was the mistake. The direction he walked in; toward the trees. Soon, the first walker appeared. And when he realized how many there were on the road – when Rick started telling the others to hide – Caden slipped into the trees.

Sophia ran past. She was far enough away that the walker following her probably wouldn’t have noticed Caden, but how could he just watch her disappear? She was just a kid. Carl’s age. If that was Carl running by, Caden wouldn’t stand there and do nothing. So, he chased after her, staying between her and the walker.

It was kind of a blur, now, as he sat with Sophia in a farmhouse, trying to get her to just cry a little quieter, so maybe the walkers – it definitely sounded like multiple of them at this point – outside would lose interest and stop banging on the house.

Rick had found them in a creek when Caden thought they were going to die with two walkers staggering toward them and Caden completely useless against them. Sophia wanted Rick to shoot the walkers, but Rick was smart enough to know that would just pull the ones from the road in their direction. He ordered Caden to lead Sophia back toward the road while he dealt with nearby walkers and Caden tried. He tried to go back but he wasn’t sure he was even going in the right direction very long. Then, the pair nearly walked into a small group of three or four walkers before Caden just picked Sophia up and ran with her, maneuvering her onto his back at some point. She kept crying and looking over her shoulder, telling him that the walkers were still following. When he saw an old farmhouse, he just ran inside. He rushed them upstairs and into the first room he found, which happened to be a tiled bathroom. That’s when he had to set Sophia down, silently begging her to be quiet.

Caden felt like he should pray but he didn’t know how to start. He always started with the things he was thankful for and he was thankful for so much. For Lori and Carl. Even for Rick. Especially for Daryl. But how had the same God that had given him so much created the terrible world outside the farmhouse, where the dead still walked with an insatiable hunger and good men turned into monsters at the slightest provocation. If anything, the world outside the four walls of the house felt like proof to Caden that the god he always prayed to either wasn’t real or had abandoned them.

How did he start a prayer that would never be heard? Sure, it might have been what he was doing all along, but it felt so different, now. It felt so hopeless, now.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, oh boy.  
> Sorry this update has taken so long. It's a chapter from Rick's POV, which I always struggle with more than, you know, my own character's POV.  
> Unfortunately, this longer wait is going to be more par for the course for now. See, before this point, I've had all the chapters written and just had to edit and post. Now, I don't have anymore chapters written. So, I have to write, edit, and post them. I'm going to do my best to keep the wait to something reasonable, but sometimes writer's block hits this story hard.
> 
> Also, I know this is a bit short of a chapter. I'm working on making the next chapters longer.  
> I still hope you enjoy  
> <3

This was Rick’s nightmare. No. This was worse than Rick’s nightmare, because his mind wasn’t sadistic enough to imagine a scenario where Carl was dying and Caden was missing, along with a little girl. He had watched blood leave his body to flow into Carl’s through a small tube and he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to go out and help Shane and Otis find the FEMA supplies needed to save Carl, but Lori needed him to stay, so, this time, he stayed. He stayed and just watched his son lie pale and motionless on a bed, constantly watching his chest rise and fall because if Carl stopped breathing, Rick needed to get Lori out before she saw what came next.

It was lucky, in a way, that Carl was shot by someone who happened to live with a doctor – no. A vet. Hershel Greene was a vet. And he and his family appeared to be living a relatively normal life on their farm and the whole thing felt a little surreal, but maybe that was the blood loss.

Lori was a wreck. Her son was shot, her brother was missing, and her husband was useless. Well, not totally useless. He was basically a blood bag and he was thankful he could be that if that’s what Carl needed, but he wanted to do more. More for Carl and Lori. More for Caden and Sophia.

And it ate at him that his last conversation with Caden had been so hostile. He didn’t even know what happened. Caden was clearly not himself. He had just tried to stay behind at the CDC, so he could die, and seeing him sitting despondent in the back of the RV, curled up with his arms around his legs, was terrifying. Rick racked his brain, trying to figure out what was doing this to Caden and he started to wonder if it all came down to Daryl and Shane. If Caden was feeling guilty for being with both of them. But asking if Caden felt guilty had just set him off. It was like a train wreck and Rick let Caden walk away. He’d been frozen, wondering if what Shane said was right. If Caden felt like he had to earn his keep and sex was what he had chosen to do. It made Rick feel sick and he was going to go after Caden, he was, but other stuff started happening and he just let Caden walk away.

Now, he was gone. Rick couldn’t help but feel a little guilty, because he’d forgotten. Carl got shot and Caden fell from Rick’s thoughts. Everything but Carl fell from his thoughts, and, rationally, he knew that was probably normal and perfectly acceptable, but still… it was Caden and Rick had forgotten he was out there in danger while he ran with Carl in his arms toward the only hope they have of saving him. Caden only returned to Rick’s thoughts now because he had nothing else to do but think about all the ways he had failed lately. And he failed Caden.

It was his fault. He had them. Caden and the girl were right there, and he should have told them to just stay put. He knew how damn bad Caden’s sense of direction was, but he just wanted Caden back with the others so he’d be safe.

Daryl followed their trail as far as he could and Caden had only gone in the correct direction for a couple yards before he started to drift away from the road. Daryl had cursed loudly when he confirmed the pair had gotten off course. Rick wanted Daryl to stay back at the road with everyone else, but Daryl wouldn’t listen. He was adamant that he wanted to find Sophia, and Rick believed him, but he kept mumbling about Caden. About how he was a dumbass that couldn’t even walk in a straight line sober. About how he was the worst person that could be with the girl because he was weak and useless and couldn’t walk in a fucking straight line – Daryl couldn’t get past that. It infuriated him, and he kept repeating it.

“Fuckin’ enough,” Rick snapped after an hour of listening to Daryl bitch about one of the most important people in his life. “I don’t wanna hear it, Daryl.”

Daryl frowned, but he shut up. Rick also felt guilty about that, now. Daryl’s complaints clearly came from his concern. He was worried. Scared, even. It wasn’t obvious, but Rick had learned to read people, especially closed off people like Daryl. The skill had just evolved naturally thanks to his job. And Daryl wanted Caden back just as much as he wanted to find Sophia.  

Back in the RV, Rick had tried to figure out why what happened between Shane and Caden didn’t bother him as much as the thought of Caden and Daryl together. Maybe it was because Caden had touched Shane, but Shane hadn’t touched him – hadn’t seen the blissed out look just a kiss could put on Caden’s face. Rick allowed himself to wonder if it was because he knew Caden would never fall in love with Shane, so Shane could never take him away. Daryl could. Daryl was a good guy and Caden could fall in love with him.

It was a reason for Rick’s discomfort with the pair that he quickly dismissed as too petty and selfish. It would be good for Caden to fall in love with someone new – someone who loved him back. Caden deserved that and so much more. But still, at the most inopportune moments, Rick would wonder if it had already started; if Caden had already begun to fall for Daryl. It seemed farfetched, after what Caden did with Shane, but that was… Rick still didn’t know if he believed the version of events he had been given.  He wished he could talk to Caden about it again. He’d be gentler, this time.

Caden would do a better job of comforting Lori. And his blood was O Negative, so he’d be useful for Carl too, though Rick felt guilty for thinking of Caden like a tool that could be used to save his son’s life.

Rick raked his hands through his hair.

He was sitting at Carl’s bedside, useless, while Shane risked his life for Carl and Daryl risked his life for Caden. Everyone else was taking care of his family while he sat on his ass trying to ignore the way his chest ached at just the thought of Caden loving someone else.

And Rick hated the way Caden was consuming his thoughts, but that was certainly better than letting himself think about what they would do if Carl didn’t survive this – if he stopped breathing and came back with snapping teeth the way Amy did back at camp. While Rick kept in his mind that it could happen, he couldn’t let himself picture it, so, instead, he let himself wonder what it would be like to watch Caden fall in love. It still hurt to imagine, but it hurt less.

He tried to picture the more mundane moments in a relationship, because that was what he’d be seeing – it wasn’t like Caden would fuck whoever was lucky enough to get his attention right in front of Rick. Instead, Rick would see the sweet moments. The gentle kisses and hand holding. A softness in Caden’s gaze that, for so long, belonged to just Rick.

He glanced at Lori, seeing all the similarities to Caden in her face, and he pictured it; Caden walking across the farm, holding onto some faceless man’s hand. Caden would smile at the guy and pull him in to kiss.

No anger rose within Rick. His gaze settled back on the rise and fall of Carl’s chest, but he wasn’t seeing it. He’d always gotten angry when he tried to prepare himself for Caden’s first relationship. Even when Caden was a teenager, before Rick’s strange feelings for him had developed, Rick just hadn’t liked the idea of Caden being with anyone. No one deserved him, and Rick had known it for long enough that this sudden absence of anger felt wrong. So, he tried again, and the gave the man a face.

His face.

It was himself he had been picturing, faceless and holding Caden’s hand. Kissing him. At least that explained his lack of anger. His mind subconsciously imagining a possible relationship with Caden wasn’t going to anger him the way imagining Caden with anyone else would.

Rick gave his head a little shake. It wasn’t the first time idle curiosity led him to wondering what it might be like to have Caden. But usually it was more intimate. Usually it was after Caden had done something, like the time he made out with a stranger damn near Rick’s age, or when a spider crawled onto him, so Caden stripped and ran to the shower. Shane and Lori laughed, but Rick’s mouth had gone dry as he stared at Caden’s clothes and the dark, coin-sized spider that crawled out from the shirt.

Those short little fantasies that often left Rick feeling uncomfortable and dirty could be written off. Caden was very attractive. And he looked a whole hell of a lot like Lori, the most beautiful person Rick had ever seen. Not to mention, Shane enjoyed telling Rick of the many men and women he had sex with, so it wasn’t as if Rick didn’t know what to do with a man. And it wasn’t like Rick had never been curious about any other guy – there was a deputy a town over he sometimes had the same fantasies about. It was a curiosity thing. Nothing more.

Sexual fantasies were normal. But fantasies about a relationship with anyone other than Lori were unacceptable. Even if they came subconsciously. He loved his wife. She and Carl were his entire world. Caden was just a fascination.

No. Rick couldn’t just sum him up like that – it wasn’t fair. Caden meant more to him than that, but when all was said and done, Caden was still his wife’s brother. That was all he could ever be, and that was fine. Rick needed to stop thinking of him in any other way, or he’d just end up hurting Caden when they got him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who is wondering about the second part of Heard You Crying; since I'm currently posting this story, I'm focusing on it. Not to mention, I don't want to start posting that until I've got it completely written out so we don't run into the same problem of me not having more chapters written. But I am still writing it. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for putting up with the wait and coming back to read the next chapter. I'm going to work hard on getting the next one done. If I could just get a few chapters ahead of myself again, I'd feel better. But, hey, we'll see what happens.
> 
> :)  
> Thanks for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos. You guys are the best.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, but this chapter is a bit longer than usual, so... you know, I tried. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Just to let you know, there is a little omc/omc here, but it's literally just there to torture Rick. It's not a huge deal, I just wanted to make sure you guys knew this isn't something that's actually going to last. What would be the fun of that?

_Caden, Sophia stay here we will come back every day._

Caden stared at the words on the back window of a car. There were also some supplies, enough to get two people through a day; maybe two. But the words were starting to look faded. Old and getting hard to read.

It looked abandoned. Like if their family had been coming back every day, they would have fixed it. Made it easier to read.

“Cade?”

Caden quickly wiped the tears from his eyes and turned to face Crash.

When a woman, her three children, her husband, and his brother found Caden and Sophia, he had no clue how easily they would absorb the pair into their group. Caden wasn’t thinking clearly; if he had been, he probably would have run in the opposite direction with Sophia. But after everything that happened with Shane, Rick, and the CDC, then getting lost with Sophia to protect while knowing damn well he couldn’t do so, Caden was overwhelmed and he just stopped. When Crash and his sister-in-law killed the walkers outside the house Caden and Sophia were hiding in, he didn’t ask them who they were or talk to them at all for a few hours. He just stared up at the muscular pair and wondered what the hell they did before.

Crash would tell him a few days later he was an MMA fighter. He met Janie when she started training him, having retired from fighting herself after a horrific leg injury.

“Bent the wrong way,” Crash said, pretending like he was twisting his ankle to the right. “Ended up marryin’ Al only three months after meeting him. Never thought such a badass would fall for a nerd, when I introduced ‘em.” Crash’s fingers glided gently through Caden’s hair. “I mean, Al was a middle school teacher, and _not_ the cool kind. But they just… never seen anythin’ like it, really. It wasn’t really love at first sight. That’s bullshit. But I think it was like, they spoke to each other. Had a conversation and then fell in love. What was it about… what was it about… Hey, Janie?!”

Janie was in the doorway of the bedroom in a moment, a toddler on her hip and smirk on her face.

“You two finally fuck?” she asked.

“Of course not!” Caden huffed quickly, moving away from where he had been laying against Crash’s chest. “It’s just been a few days, damn woman.”

“What was the first conversation you had with Al about?” Crash asked, unfazed.

“How much we hated _The Great Gatsby_ ,” Janie answered. “Of course, he hates it for the sophisticated reasons of a college educated man forced to read it a dozen times while I just thought it was boring as fuck. Just another story about how rich people screw the rest of us. Though, no one’s really rich anymore, are they? Cade, take her.”

She handed Morgan to Caden when he tried to get past her. He had instantly groaned at the added weight, his arms incredibly sore thanks to Crash.

Caden had attached himself to Crash pretty quickly. He just needed someone, and Crash was there. Janie and Al were uncertain of Caden at first, untrusting of a random guy with a child that wasn’t his. Crash didn’t share any of their concerns. He believed everything Caden told him and it just made it so easy to tell him more. Just the second night he and Sophia spent with the new group, Caden sat outside with Crash and told him everything. Everything about Rick. Everything about Merle, Lori, and Shane. And he said it all like it was a story he heard from a friend about a friend of their friend. Like he was wholly removed from the situation.

“That’s fucked up, man,” Crash had said when Caden finished. “Why’d ya always give up?”

“What?” Caden asked, looking over at Crash after staring up at the moon for a good twenty minutes. The outline remained in the middle of his vision.

“Seems like ya always just give in. Ya need to fight sometimes. It ain’t even just ‘bout protectin’ yourself. Ya know it’s okay to be selfish, right? Everythin’ in moderation.”

Caden tilted his head back against the wall, scanning the trees at the edge of the property line, just behind a waist-high wooden fence.

“I can teach ya. To fight. Might give ya some courage, next time you’re dealin’ with someone like Shane, to know ya can punch ‘em without breakin’ your hand.”

“I can’t do that stuff.”

“Ya know, most people can learn most things,” Crash replied.

“If I could, Rick woulda taught me at some point. I got bullied for a while in high school, thanks to livin’ with a cop, and I asked him to teach me to defend myself, but he just went in and handled it.”

“Maybe that’s ‘cause ya were a kid. He didn’t want ya fightin’.”

“Or he just thought I couldn’t. Ain’t like Rick’s ever thought very highly of me.”

“Ya gotta get some confidence, Cade,” Crash said, lightly knocking his knee against Caden’s. “At least let me try to teach ya to fight. Give me a chance to prove you and this Rick asshole wrong.”

“He’s not an asshole. I’m the one in the wrong most of the time.”

“Just let me teach ya to fight.”

“You’re free to waste your time however ya want.”

“I love how much you’re gonna regret that,” Janie said from above them. Caden looked up to find her leaning out of a window, holding an orange bottle of pills out to Crash. “Found these.”

“I’ll add them to the pile,” Crash assured her. He pocketed the pills and looked at Caden with a smirk. “She’ll teach ya how to shoot.”

Surprisingly, Caden was a rather quick study. Still, Crash pushed him until his body ached. Crash made him practice with the machete an hour at dawn and at dusk, and they spent no less than two hours practicing hand to hand combat during the day. Crash said Caden would work the soreness from his muscles soon enough, but even now, standing beside an abandoned car with an abandoned message, Caden’s biceps still ached from when he blocked a barrage of punches that morning. It didn’t help that Crash was all muscle, so even though he was holding back all of his punches, they still left light bruises.

“What do you want to do, babe?” Crash asked softly, looking over Caden’s shoulder at the message.

Caden just shook his head. He didn’t know what to do. He’d been trying to get back here for over two weeks. He never thought he’d make it until Al returned from a run with a detailed map of the area.

Caden and Crash had just finished a session with the machete, and Caden was laughing as he tried to keep a sweaty Crash from hugging him, when Janie interrupted to let them know Al had returned after a few days gone.

“Find anythin’?” Crash asked.

“A whole bunch, actually. Lot of water and granola. He’s thrilled.”

Caden had smiled. He knew how badly Crash and Al wanted to get further north toward where their mother’s side of the family lived. The small group was saving up supplies for the trip, wanting to get out as soon as possible but not wanting to starve, since winter was looming, and scavenging was just going to get more difficult. They’d already travelled across Alabama and certainly hadn’t planned on staying in Georgia for so long. Crash and Janie had both tried multiple times to convince Caden that he and Sophia should leave with them. Crash was particularly convincing, but their group was still out there, and he couldn’t go further from his family or take Sophia further from her mom.

And while he’d never take them up on their offer to travel with them, there was something in him that rebelled at the thought of separating. They were new. A breath of fresh air when he _really_ needed it.

“Also, Al found a map he thinks might help ya find your people,” Janie said, almost sounding bitter.

“Where is he?” Caden asked, already taking a few steps forward.

“Kitchen.”

Caden jogged across the large yard and into the house. The kitchen was at the back of the house, and on his way, Caden passed by the living room where Sophia sat with Janie and Al’s oldest daughter, Ava. He stopped in the doorway to watch for a moment, finding the pair coloring. Sophia looked up, smiled, and waved. Caden returned the gesture and continued to the kitchen.

Al was standing with his arms crossed, gazing down at a stack of canned food. He looked over his shoulder when Caden entered and instantly pointed at the circular dining table in the corner of the kitchen.

“Found an old towin’ company. They had some maps.”

Caden rushed to the table and looked down at the detailed county map that was lying on top. Al had already made a thick ‘X’ over anything north of a certain road, one which was just a five-minute drive away from the house.

“There’s lots ‘a big roads out here,” Al mumbled, walking over to stand an arm’s length away from Caden. He spoke softly and never made direct eye contact.

“I think ya went this way, with Crash,” Al continued, pointing to the right of the map, where Crash and Caden had explored a few days ago in hopes of stumbling across the right highway.

When Caden said nothing, Al looked over at him with an eyebrow raised.

“Why ain’t ya sayin’ anythin’?” Al asked.

Caden shrugged a little. “Just… takin’ in your voice is all.”

It wasn’t a complete lie, since Al’s voice was incredibly deep and had a raspy undertone that Caden found to be sexy as hell. Crash had a little of that but it was nothing compared to Al’s voice, and Al had spoken so little to Caden that it was the first time he realized how attractive Janie’s husband really was. But that was just a small part of why Caden was silent. He was also overwhelmed. His eyes scanned the map and saw all the possible paths and roads and he got overwhelmed. It was like when he and Sophia had first gotten lost all over again; Caden slowly shutting down and waiting for the numbness to hit.

“Janie told me to be nice,” Al said. “Her and Crash want ya to leave with us and she says ya ain’t gonna do that if I’m bein’ stand off-ish. I ain’t meanin’ to, ya know – be stand off-ish and all. Just… ain’t got much to say most of the time. And I ain’t like Crash. I don’t need to fill the silence.”

Caden swallowed and nodded. “I get it. Anyway, I just thought ya were quiet.”

“I am. That’s what I just said.”

“Which direction ya think I came from?”

“This one.” Al pointed toward the bottom of the map. “But your people ain’t gonna be there. Not after this long.”

Caden didn’t say anything, biting his lip and squinting at the road names on the map.

“Ya gotta come with us. Or you’re gonna get that girl killed,” Al said.

Caden’s eyes snapped up to focus on Al’s.

“You’re sayin’ a lot for our first conversation,” Caden said calmly. “Ain’t exactly provin’ that ya ain’t stand off-ish.”

“Don’t got time to be gentle ‘bout this.”

“Alright, well, send Janie or Crash or some shit. Least they’re nice.”

“Nice ain’t workin’. Gotta try somethin’ else.”

Caden shook his head. “I don’t get why y’all don’t get it. You’re draggin’ your kids halfway ‘cross the country to find an aunt ya haven’t seen in five years. Why’s it so wrong for me to wanna stay close to my family and her mom?”

“Crash and Janie can keep my kids alive,” Al replied. “I don’t care how good you’re doin’ trainin’ with Crash. You, _alone_ , aren’t enough to keep Sophia alive.”

At that moment, Caden loathed Al.

“I think the road you’re lookin’ for is in this area.”

Caden didn’t look down at the map, too busy glaring at Al to pay attention to what he was saying.

“Crash’ll take ya there tomorrow. See what ya find and make your decision. We’re leavin’ in two days, with or without ya, but Janie’s gonna kill me if it’s without ya.”

“I liked it better when ya didn’t talk,” Caden grumbled, slowly shifting his gaze back to the map. “Where am I goin’?”

It felt like that conversation had happened weeks ago, not just the day before. It felt like everything at the CDC with Shane happened forever ago. It felt like he hadn’t seen Lori, Carl, or Rick in years instead of weeks and all evidence suggested that this was it. He’d never see them again and he’d never know what happened to them. And that was the best-case scenario.

He pictured Carl; dead, rotten, and still walking around. That was it. The worst thing that could ever happen and Caden knew he couldn’t do it. Crash had taken him to kill walkers before – he was nearly in double digits, but he’d never be able to put Carl down.

Caden flinched when Crash wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled their bodies together. “I’m sorry.”

“You think they’re dead?” Caden whispered.

“Or they had to move on to stay alive,” Crash suggested.

“What do I do?” Caden asked.

 Crash squeezed him lightly. “We’ll wait,” he said. “In case they do come back. I told Janie to give us two days before panicking, so, we’ll wait.”

“It looks abandoned.”

“But maybe it isn’t.”

“And if it is?”

“You stay with us.”

Caden shook his head, but it was the first time he didn’t turn the offer down immediately.

That night, he laid curled up against Crash’s side in a SUV, and Crash had almost convinced him that his family would be there when he woke. He had almost erased the image of Carl as a walker by the time he fell asleep and he almost had hope. It was within his reach when he fell asleep, but by dawn that hope had faded after hours of nightmares where he watched his family die again and again, always being torn apart by greying hands. And by dusk, with no sign of anyone other than a couple walkers Crash easily handled, Caden was certain his instincts had been correct. His family was dead.

“We should head back,” Caden said their second morning waiting. “If we leave now, we’ll reach the house before dark.

“Give it a few more hours,” Crash replied.

“Why?” Caden snapped. “They’re dead, Crash! We’re fuckin’ waitin’ on ghosts!”

“Jesus, Cade, keep your voice down. And stop givin’ up so easy. You and Sophia survived. What were the chances of that?”

Caden watched a walker in the distance turn toward them.

“Give it a few more hours,” Crash sighed, hand on Caden’s shoulder. “When we leave here, we won’t be comin’ back. We’re gonna head north and you’ll never get this chance again. So, we’re gonna wait.”

Caden nodded and mumbled, “Kay.”

“Okay.” Crash looked around. “I’m gonna search a few cars. I’ll be close, okay?”

Caden nodded. Crash squeezed his hand firmly before walking away. Caden watched him. Crash was a good guy. He could be happy with Crash, even if he could never be in love with him.

Caden slowly walked back over to the car where his family left him their final message. He lowered himself onto the ground and sat against the bumper with a machete in hand.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there. Crash came back a few times to check on him. He wondered if Crash saw that this had broken him. His family was gone. The only people he had ever loved. Gone. How did he come back from this? How did he live with this loss when he was barely hanging on before?

Caden closed his eyes and leaned his head back. When the soft rumble of an engine met his ears, he didn’t open his eyes. He didn’t care that a car was approaching. He knew he should hide but couldn’t convince himself to move. His family was probably dead and if whoever this was decided to kill him, then he wouldn’t have to tell Sophia her mom was probably dead too.  

“Cade!” Crash ran to him. “Let’s go.”

Caden shook his head. “No…”

Crash pulled out his gun, looking over his shoulder as the car came closer.

“Come on, babe, I need your help,” Crash said. “These people may want to kill us or worse and I need you to come back to me, okay? Come on, Cade.”

“You guys will keep takin’ care of Sophia, right?” Caden asked softly.

Crash stared at him, horrified.

“Let me die here,” Caden whispered.

“No. This is not okay,” Crash hissed. “Cade. You fucking fight for once.”

Caden took a deep breath.

“This sucks,” Crash said. “And it hurts. But you don’t get to give up on Sophia. She’s your family now and you fucking suck it up and move on for _her_.”

It was then that Caden realized he couldn’t hear the rolling of the tires across the pavement anymore. He gripped Crash’s arm and was about to warn him when a car door opened behind them. Crash spun around just as a familiar voice said, “Get the hell away from there.”

Crash moved just enough to the side so that Caden could see Rick standing beside the parked car, gun aimed at Crash.

Caden’s eyes widened. “Rick?”

When Rick’s gaze moved from Crash to Caden, so did the barrel of the gun.

“Cade?”

Caden scrambled onto his feet. It might have been dumb, to throw himself into Rick’s arms when Rick looked ready to kill him and Crash, but there was nothing else Caden could think to do. He just flew to Rick and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. He was surprised when Rick’s arm snaked around his waist and hugged him close.

“Cade,” Rick sighed in relief.

Caden looked up at Rick and for just a moment, their faces were so close it seemed like such a waste to not kiss. He didn’t think he would have, but he might of, if something hadn’t knocked into them from the side. Caden didn’t have to look down to know it was Carl as small arms encircled him.

Caden instantly let go of Rick and fell onto his knees to hug Carl back. Tears fell Caden’s cheeks and his entire body was shaking. He thought he’d never see Carl again. He thought Carl was dead somewhere, lost with his father and mother. Seeing Carl again was just about the best feeling in the world and Caden just clung to him until he heard Crash clear his throat and say, “Um, Cade?”

Caden quickly looked over to see Crash with his hands held up in front of him.

“Could ya help me out here?” Crash asked, motioning to Rick.

Caden stood, his hand remaining on Carl’s shoulder. He focused on Rick, still aiming his gun at Crash.

“What’re ya doin’?” Caden asked, grabbing Rick’s wrist and maneuvering the barrel of the gun toward the ground. “Ain’t it clear enough that he’s with me?”

“Not really,” Rick answered, easily overpowering Caden to keep the gun fixed on Crash.

“Rick? Knock it off.”

“Give me your weapons and I’ll consider lettin’ ya walk away,” Rick said, glaring at Crash.

“God damn it, stop,” Caden demanded. “We’d be dead without him.”

“ _We_?” Rick asked, gun drooping a little now.

“Me and Sophia,” Caden answered.

“She’s alive?” Carl asked excitedly.

“Thanks to Crash and his sister-in-law.”

“Where is she?” Rick questioned, finally letting his arm relax and the gun drop to his side.

“This farmhouse we’ve been stayin’ in,” Caden replied. The harsh look he received from Rick in response made his heart pound hard against his chest. “I-I trust the people I left her with. They’re good people.”

Rick stared silently at Caden for a long moment. Caden was sure he had done something wrong already. It wasn’t as if he and Rick had left things in a good place. But the next thing he knew, Rick was pulling him into another hug. It was a tighter hug with Rick’s fingers curling in his hair.

“Thought ya were dead,” Rick mumbled, his lips startlingly close to Caden’s ear. “God, I thought ya were dead.”

“I thought _you_ guys were dead,” Caden said, separating from Rick to look down at Carl. That was when he noticed the old guy he’d never met standing beside the car Rick and Carl arrived in. But he really didn’t care. All he could focus on were Carl and Rick. “I mean, look at that fucking message, Rick.” Caden pointed at the streaked car window with their barely-still-there message. “Thought that mess meant y’all weren’t coming anymore.”

“We weren’t…” Rick admitted. “Things have been crazy, Cade. And as the days kept passin’, it seemed less and less likely that y’all were still alive. When shit hit the fan… something had to fall to the side and it was this. I’m sorry, Caden. We thought you were dead.”

“I didn’t,” Carl said quickly.

“Well, that ain’t surprising,” Caden said with a smile. “You’ve always been smarter than your dad.”

“Hey,” Rick replied instantly, smiling at Caden and Carl even though he sounded offended.

“Man, is it good to see you guys again,” Caden sighed, gazing up at Rick. “But I kinda wanna see my sister, so how ‘bout me and Crash go back and get Sophia. Then we can head over to wherever y’all have been stayin’.”

Rick’s smile was gone in an instant. “I got a lot to fill ya in on, Cade.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's that for a time-skip? A whole season in, like, 3 chapters. That's impressive when you consider how many chapters it took to get through the first season, the shortest of them all. 
> 
> Hope you guys are still enjoying this<3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to try to make this a little longer, but then I realized it's been almost a month since I last posted a chapter, so I decided to start editing and get this out to you guys as soon as possible, because that's a pretty long wait. 
> 
> The notes at the end contain mostly nonsense, but also a quick note on the future of this story. And, at this point, I don't know if I even have to say it, but since we're dealing with earlier seasons, I'll include that the notes at the end contain spoilers for season 9 and other later seasons.

Rick didn’t get far into explaining the events of the past couple of weeks before Caden interrupted him with a shocked, “Carl was shot?”

“The guy just saw a deer,” Rick said. “Didn’t see Carl standin’ right beside it.”

Caden quickly looked over to where Carl was standing beside the car with Hershel, who Rick barely remembered to introduce to Caden after Caden had introduced him to Crash. Crash was standing a good distance away from Hershel and Carl, currently glancing through a car window. He had wanted to go get Sophia and make sure his family didn’t start worrying about them, but Rick refused to allow him to leave on his own. Caden was a little surprised when Crash didn’t push back, even handing all his weapons over to Caden at Rick’s insistence. Caden managed to mouth “Thank you,” before Rick pulled him away.

“He looks fine,” Caden said, motioning to Carl.

“Hershel saved him,” Rick said. “He’s a vet.”

“Vet… as in animals or army?”

“Animals.”

“Oh…”

“Carl would be dead without him,” Rick said tensely. “Daryl too, probably.”

“What happened to Daryl?”

“He got himself fucked up lookin’ for you and Sophia. Came back and Andrea thought he was a walker, so she shot him in the head.”

“What?”

“Just grazed him.”

“Holy fuck, Rick, who else was shot?”

“No one else was shot. We lost Dale, though.”

“Well, fuck,” Caden sighed, putting his hands on his hips. “How?”

“Walker got him.”

“Damn… But what ‘bout Lori? She’s good, right?”

Rick sighed and shrugged. Caden’s heart instantly started racing, his throat tightening.

“Rick, where’s Lori?”

“I don’t know,” Rick sighed. “The farm was overrun last night. We all got separated. I thought they’d come here.”

“So… you don’t know where Lori is?”

“She’ll know to come here, Cade.”

“No, fuck that, Rick. Fuck. Why are we wasting our time talkin’ ‘bout this shit when Lori’s missin’? We gotta go back to that farm and-”

“It was overrun by a herd of walkers. We can’t go back.”

“Then we gotta look for her!”

“Startin’ where? Goin’ where? If we stay in one place, we have a better chance of her findin’ us. If she’s not here in a few hours, then we can worry.”

“In a few hours she could be dead.”

“You think we’d find her in a few hours anyway?” Rick snapped.

“Fuck you,” Caden said instinctively. “Me and Crash’ll find her.”

Rick quickly grabbed Caden’s wrist, keeping him from walking away. The grip was a little too tight.

“Caden… I just, I need you to stay put.”

“You okay, babe?”

Caden’s head snapped toward Crash as he shook Rick’s hand off him. “We’re good,” he answered quickly.

Crash didn’t look away from the pair. Caden turned back to Rick with a sigh.

“We can’t just leave Lori out there, Rick,” Caden said softly. “I get if ya don’t trust me to find her on my own but-”

“Last time you walked away from me, we almost lost ya,” Rick said. “I’m just askin’ ya not to go off on your own again. I’m askin’ ya to stay close to me, and if Lori doesn’t show up soon, we’ll go lookin’, but this – waitin’ here – is the best thing we can do right now. I just need ya to trust me on this.”

Caden looked down. It would always go against his instincts to hurt Rick and Rick sounded hurt. Maybe not by Caden, but something had hurt Rick these past two weeks and it was clear that he just needed Caden to give him this. To follow him despite their last conversation devolving into the biggest fight they’d ever had. Despite Lori being at risk. Rick needed this and Caden was too tired to fight his instincts.

“Alright, Rick. I’ll trust ya.”

“Good…” Rick pointed toward Crash. “Did that prick just call ya ‘babe,’ Cade?”

“ _Really_?”

“I’m just askin’.”

“We call him Crash, he’s a good guy, and yeah, he called me babe.”

Rick’s eyes jumped from Caden to Crash. From Crash to Caden. From Caden to Crash. Back to Caden.

“Cade, he looks like he could break ya in half.”

“Oh, fuck off, Rick,” Caden snapped, pissed that he could feel his cheeks heat up to the point where he was certain they were bright red. “I’m just havin’ some fun for once, okay? Damn.”

Rick’s shoulders straightened, and he gazed into the distance, away from Caden and any of the others. After a moment, he said, “You should know, Shane’s dead.”

It wasn’t like the news devastated Caden. But it didn’t feel good. He had known Shane most of his life. He had a lot of neutral memories of the guy and quite a few good ones. Carl’s birthdays and some family dinners. Movie nights. Christmas mornings and Thanksgiving evenings – Shane was there for it all, smiling and laughing with the rest of them. Caden never would have been able to forgive Shane for some of the things he had done, but he still had reason to mourn him.

“I killed him,” Rick said.

“ _Fuck_ , Rick.” Caden ran his fingers through his hair. That was when he realized his hands were trembling. He quickly dropped them to his sides, hoping Rick hadn’t seen.

“Yeah, I uh… I learned a lot these past two weeks,” Rick said quietly.

Caden’s muscles tensed.

“Did ya know ‘bout Lori and Shane?” Rick asked.

“Fuck, is that why you killed him?”

“No, of course not,” Rick replied defensively. “He was gonna kill me, Cade. Talkin’ ‘bout bein’ a better husband for Lori and father for Carl and…”

Rick looked at Caden with pleading eyes. He didn’t really look like he regretted what he did. But it did look like he needed someone to tell him he did the right thing when he killed his best friend.

“Look, Shane wasn’t exactly himself last I saw him, and it don’t sound like he got any better since then,” Caden mumbled. “I’m sure he didn’t give ya a choice. I’m sure ya did the right thing.”

“You didn’t tell me the truth ‘bout you two, did ya?” Rick asked.

“Does that really matter, now? He’s dead. What’s the point of rehashin’ that shit now? Let’s like… go get Sophia or look for Lori or somethin’?”

“Gotta stay here,” Rick said.

“What about Crash?”

“What. About. Him?”

Caden frowned. “You should let him go get Sophia.”

“Nah. He ain’t leavin’ my sight,” Rick said. “I don’t trust him.”

“Him and his family have kept me and Sophia alive for the past two weeks. They’ve shared their supplies with us and stayed in one place a lot longer than they wanted to, just to give us the chance to find ya.”

“And they took advantage of ya, apparently,” Rick mumbled, glaring over Caden’s shoulder in Crash’s direction.

“Are you fuckin’ kiddin’ me, Rick?”  

“Just sayin’ what it looks like.”

Caden rolled his eyes. “Crash has done ten times more for me than I could ever do for him.”

“I doubt that.”

“You’re a gross, old man, Rick.”

“Fuck off.”

“Are ya gonna let Crash go?”

Rick didn’t say anything, looking over to where Crash was now sitting on the trunk of a car.

“His family’s gonna start worryin’. At least one of ‘em is gonna put themselves at risk tryin’ to get us. Just let him go and he’ll be back with Sophia tomorrow.”

Rick sighed, shaking his head.

“I am trustin’ ya with my sister’s life, Rick. Trustin’ ya when ya say we should stay here instead of goin’ lookin’. Why can’t you trust me?”

“It’s not trustin’ you,” Rick said quickly. “It’s trustin’ him.”

“I trust him,” Caden replied.

“I can see that,” Rick mumbled.

Caden looked down, his eyes drawn to a small rock a few inches away from his foot. He kicked it. “I’ll go with him.”

“No.”

“Rick, you’re either gonna let Crash go on his own or I’m gonna go with him. That’s all the say you get in this. So, which would you prefer?” Caden asked.

“Neither’s happenin’,” Rick answered.

Caden shrugged. “Anythin’ else I should know _before I leave_?”

“Lori’s pregnant,” Rick said, like it was the trump card he needed to get Caden to behave.

Caden stared silently at Rick. The way he said it was without any emotion. No excitement. No concern. Nothing. Caden wouldn’t bring it up, and he didn’t think Rick would either, but it seemed very unlikely that the baby was his and they both knew it. Shane must have known it. Lori had to know too.

 “I’m sorry, Rick,” Caden finally managed. “But she-”

Rick shook his head. “Don’t.”

 “She thought you were dead,” Caden said.

“Stop,” Rick demanded.

“Ain’t like we knew you’d come back from the dead.”

“Caden. Stop it.”

“She loves you.”

“ _Cade_!”

Crash was at Caden’s side within seconds, glaring at Rick like he had threatened Caden instead of just raising his voice at him.

“I’m okay,” Caden said, putting his hand on Crash’s chest. “I’m okay. We’re gonna go get Sophia, alright?”

Crash nodded, arm wrapping around Caden’s waist. “Sounds good.”

“Caden, you’re not going anywhere,” Rick said sternly.

“And how’re ya gonna stop me?” Caden wondered. And he’d bet his life that he looked a lot more intimidating now than he ever had before, with Crash standing at his side. “We’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Cade, come on,” Rick sighed.

Caden walked toward Carl, Crash at his heels and Rick following angrily.

“Hey,” Caden sighed as he reached Carl. He knelt so he could look into his nephews’ eyes. “Heard ya got shot, kid.”

Carl actually grinned. It brought a small smile to Caden’s face.

“Yeah,” Carl said quickly. “Just like dad.”

“Ain’t sure that’s somethin’ we wanted y’all to have in common,” Caden replied. He stood and turned to Hershel. “You the one that saved him?”

Hershel nodded, looking like he was going to say something for a moment before his somber eyes transferred to a still upset Rick.

“Thank you.” Caden held out his hand.

Hershel gave it a quick, firm shake and mumbled, “Wasn’t just me, but glad it worked out like it did.”

“Alright.” Caden shifted his attention back to Carl. “The last thing I wanna do is leave ya. But I gotta go get Sophia. You get it, right?”

“I get it,” Carl confirmed, sounding years older than he should.

Caden’s heart sank. He stared at his nephew and didn’t see the kid that had been there before.

“What if we have to go lookin’ for Lori?” Rick asked tensely.

Caden’s confidence wavered. He looked to Crash for help.

“You’ll know where to find us,” Crash said. “Or leave us a clear path to find ya. Or leave those two behind.” Crash pointed between Carl and Hershel. “The kid looks like he can handle himself for a day.”

“Just keep comin’ back here and we’ll find ya,” Caden said quietly to Rick. “But we gotta get Sophia and let the others know we’re okay.”

Rick shook his head but turned away instead of arguing further.

“Did ya find anythin’ you wanna take back to ‘em?” Caden asked.

“Oh, right.” Crash jogged over to the car where he had been waiting as Caden and Rick talked. He came back with a stroller slung over his shoulder. “Al’s been wantin’ one of these since Janie fucked up our last one usin’ it as a weapon.”

Caden smiled, wondering if he could love Crash. He looked at Rick, pacing and angry. And he looked at Crash, smiling and bright.

Caden frowned, wondering if he could love anyone but Rick.

“You okay, babe?” Crash asked softly as they walked away from the road and Caden’s recovered family. He had only said a quick goodbye to them. Dragging it out felt too much like a final goodbye rather than the quick “See ya,” it was supposed to be. He regretted it now, especially his barely-there wave to Rick.

“Yeah.” Caden glanced down. “I’m good. Why?”

“I just never saw someone go from ‘I’m gonna sit here and die’ to ‘let’s stand up to this guy I’ve bowed down to my whole life’ so quick, is all.”

“Wow.”

“Just sayin’.”

“Is this what you’re like when Janie ain’t ‘round to keep ya under control?” Caden asked, smirking a little.

Crash chuckled. “Guess so. You’re just doin’ some weird shit, Cade. Goin’ against your guy back there-”

“Don’t call him that.”

“And now you’re leavin’ ‘em. We spent a long time gettin’ ya here and now you’re leavin’ when I coulda done this on my own.”

“Rick wasn’t gonna let ya leave alone. He’d of pulled some cop shit and handcuffed ya or somethin’.”

“What’s goin’ on, babe?”

Caden glanced at him. He was faced with the problem he’d had from the beginning with this new group – Crash was just too damn easy to talk to.

“I got overwhelmed,” Caden admitted. He ran his fingers through his hair, feeling deflated. “Lori’s missin’ and pregnant, Carl got shot; Daryl too. Dale’s dead, Shane’s dead and Rick killed him, and then Rick and I started fightin’ again. And there’s somethin’ he called a herd out there. A group of walkers so big he called ‘em a _herd_ … how did so much go wrong? It hasn’t been that long, has it?”

“Been long enough. Feels like years can pass in days, now,” Crash said.

“I guess. I just… wasn’t ready.”

Crash put his arm around Caden’s shoulders and pulled him closer, kissing the side of his head. “It’s okay, babe. It was a lot to take in.”

“I shoulda probably stayed behind, huh?” Caden asked.

Crash shrugged. “Probably. But it’s a good thing you’re comin’. Janie woulda been pretty upset if she didn’t get to say bye to ya.”

Caden faltered, stumbling on nothing. He recovered so quickly, Crash didn’t even notice.

“I forgot,” he mumbled. “You guys ain’t stayin’.”

“You’ll be okay, Cade,” Crash assured him. “You got your guy back.”

“Why are ya callin’ him that?” Caden whined softly.

“That guy loves ya, babe.”

“Shut up.”

“I don’t know how he loves ya, ‘cause he sure as hell don’t look at ya the same way I look at Janie, but there is love there and he ain’t gonna let somethin’ happen to ya. Not without a fight. That makes me feel better ‘bout leavin’ ya.”

Caden’s heart was racing, his muscles a bundle of knots. He liked who he was around Crash. Most of the time, at least. More than he had liked who he was before. That guy was pathetic. That guy wasn’t going to survive. He hadn’t even wanted to survive. And for a minute, Caden had gone back there – been that person again, ready to sit down and die.

He heard a walker somewhere in front of them. Caden took a machete from his belt, where Crash insisted he keep it. He gripped it tightly, jaw clenching.

“Hey, hey.” Crash softly caught Caden’s arm before he could go after the walker. “You thinkin’ clearly?”

Tears in his eyes, Caden shook his head and muttered, “Not really.”

“Alright, babe.” Crash set down the stroller and gently took the machete. “I’ve got this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confession time: I haven't watched any of season 9 yet. I gotta get caught up, but I'm dreading it. 
> 
> I'm getting to the prison soon in this story, and that's probably my favorite chunk of the show. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. Sorry for the slow progress. And I love getting feedback from you guys.
> 
> ### HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!! 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been holding onto this chapter for a bit because I wanted to make it a little longer, but sometimes a chapter just wants to end where it wants to end and there's nothing I can do about it. Even if it feels kinda like a prelude because of it.

“A _what_?”

“Herd,” Caden said, looking up from the machete he was cleaning. “That’s what Rick called it, anyway.”

“How many walkers is that?” Janie asked in awe.

“A lot, I’m guessin’,” Al grumbled. “Which direction are they comin’ from?”

Caden shrugged. “Dunno.”

“Which direction are they goin’?” Al asked.

“I dunno,” Caden answered.

Al looked at Janie with an exasperated sigh. Crash walked in carrying Morgan, who slept against his chest, drooling on the fresh shirt he was wearing.

“Take her,” he basically whined to Janie. “I’m so tired.”

Janie held her arms out and Crash carefully handed Morgan over to her. He turned to Caden and looked at him with a sad smile. Caden teared up, thinking about tomorrow when they’d have to part. Crash leaned down and kissed him, probably a bit more intimately than he should in front of other people, an assumption only confirmed when Al cleared his throat just to be instantly shushed by Janie, who hissed, “Let them have their fun.”

Crash chuckled and moved to walk away, but Caden quickly caught his hand. “I’ll be up soon,” he said, hoping he got his point across.

They were definitely going to have sex.

Crash’s eyebrows rose. “We have a few things to talk ‘bout.”

Caden wanted to question him but Crash jogged upstairs before he could say anything.

“Did Rick tell you anything else ‘bout the walkers?” Al asked, drawing Caden’s attention back to him.

Caden took a moment to think over the tiring conversation he had with Rick, setting the spotless machete on the table between them. Even now, there was a part of him that froze up at the thought of everything that had gone wrong for his family. It was probably a good thing he hadn’t been with them. He wouldn’t have handled any of it well.  Especially Carl getting shot.

What would he have even done? He wouldn’t have been any help, that was for sure. He would have panicked and fallen apart. He had been in such a bad place before Crash found him, he couldn’t even imagine the mess of a person he was before trying to cope with Carl nearly dying.

“Cade?” Janie said.

“Sorry, um… no. Rick didn’t say nothin’ else ‘bout the walkers,” Caden muttered. “I just… things moved quick. I didn’t ask a lot of things I shoulda asked.”  

“It’s alright,” Janie said gently. “How’s your family doin’?”

Caden blinked a few times in silence, staring at her. After a moment he said, “Um, Rick and Carl are alive, but Lori was missin’. The group got separated when the herd showed up, I guess. A bunch ‘a people were missin’. Carol, Daryl, Glenn, Andrea – Dale’s dead. Shane’s dead. Everyone else is missin’.”

“I’m sorry, hun,” Janie sighed softly.

“Rick said they’d come to the highway so… I’m just hopin’ to get back tomorrow and find everyone in one place,” Caden muttered, looking down at his short fingernails. “That’d be nice.”

Janie passed Morgan to Al with a pointed look. Al nodded, kissed his daughter’s cheek, and left the room.

“You okay, hun?” Janie asked.

Caden shrugged. “It’s just… a lot. You know? And I don’t know what I’m gonna be returnin’ to tomorrow. Maybe Lori will be back but maybe Rick and Carl will be gone ‘cause the went lookin’ for her. I should of stayed but I just… when we got there, and I thought my family was dead, I just wanted to die with them. And then, Rick and Carl showed up and I ran. What’s wrong with me, Janie?”

“Just sounds like your family ain’t exactly good for ya.”

Caden shook his head. “It’s probably the other way ‘round, where I’m bad for them.”

“Either way, maybe some separation was what y’all needed,” Janie suggested gently.

“Maybe,” Caden agreed. “But I’ve been watchin’ how y’all work. I’ve seen how you, Al, and Crash don’t just work together, ya fit together. It ain’t ever been like that in my family. I’ve always been an extra piece that just don’t fit. I mean, it makes sense, ya know? I wasn’t supposed to be such a big part of Lori and Rick’s lives. Wasn’t supposed to live with ‘em or be their responsibility. Sure as hell wasn’t supposed to get stuck in the apocalypse with ‘em. And I had just moved out, like, four months before everythin’ went down. I thought things would get better, not bein’ ‘round ‘em all the time. Then, Rick got shot and Lori needed me around, so it was like I didn’t even move out for a while there, and just… they have a family unit that I ain’t supposed to be part of.”

“You know Crash and Al don’t even like each other?” Janie asked.

“I know they ain’t exactly close,” Caden answered.

“I’m sure Crash hasn’t mentioned how they used to fight every day. The kids would be cryin’ and I’d have to step in to keep Crash from killin’ Al.”

Caden chuckled weakly. “Crash certainly hasn’t mentioned that.”

“Yeah, I’m not surprised,” Janie sighed. “It got my oldest killed. A son, from before Al.”

Caden wasn’t sure what to say. He just stared at Janie with shock and horror mixed on his face.

“He was… so sensitive and he ran from the yellin’. By the time we found him… I couldn’t put him down.” Janie’s voice was growing increasingly quiet. “Crash did it for me and I could just see in his eyes when he looked at me after that he’d never recover. He and Al both… they’ll never forgive themselves, and maybe they shouldn’t… I certainly won’t forgive myself for not watchin’ him closer, but that’s not the point. The point is, that changed how we worked. It changed how those two idiots fought. It changed everythin’. We don’t work together this good ‘cause we always have. It’s ‘cause we fucked up and we learned and we’re dead set on doin’ better for the kids we got left.”

Caden just stood. He walked over, leaned down, and wrapped his arms around Janie’s shoulders. She instantly latched onto him.

“I am so sorry,” Caden whispered.

She squeezed him and held on. He didn’t step back until her arms dropped, after about a minute had passed. She, then, stood and tucked a lock of his hair behind his ear. He thought it was getting too long, but Crash had convinced him to let it grow with just a few simple compliments about it framing his face perfectly and bringing out his eyes.

Janie’s hand rested on his arm. “I think you would regret it, and I think it would be a mistake, but you are welcome to stay with us, once we return Sophia to her mom.”

Caden almost felt dizzy. Maybe far away. He felt like he had done something wrong. Something terrible and shameful, because he considered it. He thought about leaving with these people. Starting a new family. A new life. Free of Rick.

It had been so nice to feel almost normal. He hadn’t felt wrong or _so_ broken. He had started healing. These people were good for him.

Oh, but Lori. And Carl. Lori and Carl and this new baby that wouldn’t be part Rick but would be part Lori, and that was the only part that really mattered.

“I-I can’t,” Caden whispered.

“Good.” Janie gave him a gentle push toward the stairs. “Get some sleep. You look exhausted.”

“I am,” Caden groaned, allowing his momentum to carry him forward. “Goodnight, Janie. Thanks for everythin’.”

“Happy to do it, hun.”

Caden’s conversation with Janie had killed any motivation he had to have sex that night, so he was relieved when he got to their bedroom to find Crash asleep, spread eagle on the bed with his mouth hanging wide open. His heart hurt at the sight, because he’d never see this amazing guy again after tomorrow. He knew, he could never love Crash the way he loved Rick – he didn’t think he could love anyone else that way – but he could love Crash. He could. Just not so deeply. Not so completely.

Caden pulled off his shirt and jeans and crawled into the bed, curling up against Crash’s side. Crash momentarily stirred, but Caden patted his chest.

“Keep sleepin’,” he whispered.

“Mkay,” Crash murmured, wrapping his arms around Caden.

Caden couldn’t fall asleep, with such a big day ahead. Lying tangled with Crash, he pictured what life would be like if he stayed with this new group. He’d be happy, falling asleep every night in Crash’s arms. Waking up and training. Helping Janie. Raising the kids. Learning from Al. Being loved by Crash. It would have been a good life. Probably better than the one he’d have always pining after Rick and trying desperately to hide it.

Maybe, if they reached the highway and Lori wasn’t there still… he’d leave. Maybe, if Lori was dead and it was just Carl and Rick, he could walk away. It’d be hard and he would never forgive himself for abandoning Carl, but Lori was the one who _needed_ him. Lori was the one who loved him. Rick just tolerated him, and Carl liked having him around, but whatever he would lose in Caden, he would gain tenfold in Daryl. If Daryl was still alive.

Tears stinging his eyes, Caden pressed his ear against Crash’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was slow. So calm. The closest thing Caden had heard to music in weeks. It eased some of his nerves. The soft thudding became his focus and quieted his mind so that he was finally able to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankfully, the next chapter is pretty far along and I don't think it'll be _such_ a long wait for it. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've had a little bit of writer's block where this story is concerned. But, we're inching along! Next, the big reunion! Then we leave this arc behind (which I never meant to last this long) and start heading for the prison, my favorite part of the show. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me. I know the wait can be annoying, but please know I fully intend to complete this, no matter how long it takes.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to make the decision to either get caught up on the new season before it starts again, or re-watch the prison episodes and like... I think we all know what I'm going to choose.
> 
> I just miss Carl, guys.

He couldn’t believe this was happening.

He should have left with Crash. This wouldn’t be happening if he had gone with Crash. Or, at least, he wouldn’t know. He wouldn’t know Lori’s daughter had killed her. He wouldn’t know Carl shot his dying, or dead, mother in the head. He wouldn’t know Maggie had to dig her hands into his sister’s body. He wouldn’t be watching Rick lose his God damned mind. If he had just gone with Crash… but Lori had been alive, back then. Caden made the trek back to the highway with Crash, Al, Janie, and the kids, and Lori had been alive.

“Al’s gotta talk with your guy,” Crash explained when Caden asked why everyone was coming. “We gotta know where this herd is, where it’s goin’, and how big it really is. You know, just gotta make sure we ain’t walkin’ right into it. Plus, I don’t think Janie wants to be splittin’ us all up again. The longer things stay good, the more she thinks somethin’ bad is gonna happen.”

“Ain’t a bad theory,” Caden sighed.

“The world don’t work in cycles like that, babe,” Crash replied. “It’s random and shit.”

“Agree to disagree.”

They walked at the back of the group as Janie led the way. And the closer they got to the highway, the more nervous Caden became. A pit of dread was forming in his stomach. He was losing something when they arrived. And if it was Lori… if Lori wasn’t there, he didn’t know what he’d do. He’d fall apart of course, but would he leave with Crash or stay with Rick? Maybe he’d do neither and he’d just lay down, never to be moved again.

That seemed about right.

Caden would never be able to describe what it felt like to step onto the side of the highway and see his sister standing among friends and strangers, her hand on her son’s shoulder and her eyes trained on her husband. Caden’s knees gave out. He thought Crash caught him but couldn’t be sure. He was vaguely aware of Sophia shouting for her mom and running from Janie’s side. He tried to call for Lori, but his voice wasn’t working. His world was spinning – his sister was alive, and he was reunited with the group he had lost weeks ago. Daryl was standing with Carol. Glenn was with that Hershel guy and two girls Caden assumed were Hershel’s daughters. T-Dog was sitting in a car with the door open while Rick was standing at the center of it all.

Carol ran to Sophia, already sobbing. Caden saw as Carol dropped to her knees, enveloping her daughter, before Lori tackled him into a tight hug. He held onto her and forgot everything else.

His sister was alive. His nephew, who attached himself to them a moment later, was alive. His friends were alive. Rick was alive. There was so much good, what the hell had he been so worried for? This was his family.

“Oh, I thought you were dead,” Lori gasped, clasping his face and staring into his eyes. “It’s been so long, I thought you were dead.”

“I know, I know. I thought the same thing when ya weren’t here yesterday. Rick said you’d show up, but I had to go get Sophia and…” He had to stop. He was lying. He was with her for thirty seconds and already he was lying to her about why he left. _Quick_ , he thought, _tell her the truth_. “I missed you so much.”

She grinned at him with tears in her eyes. “You look good,” she laughed and pushed his hair out of his face. “Here I am lookin’ like shit and you look better than ever. I don’t know how to take that.”

“You’re glowin’, Lori,” Caden said softly, taking her hand and squeezing it. He then looked down at Carl and ruffled his nephew’s hair. “Told ya I’d be back.”

“Rick still shouldn’t of let ya leave,” Lori said disapprovingly. “Any number of things could of happened to ya.”

“Nah, not with Crash and Janie watchin’ my back.”

Caden turned to introduce Lori to the group that had saved his life, but Carol was there, ready to hug him as soon as he was released by his sister.

“Thank you, so much,” Carol said in a tear-filled voice. “Thank you for keepin’ her safe.”

“Oh, it was mostly them,” Caden said, motioning over her shoulder toward Crash and Janie, even though Carol couldn’t see the movement. “But you’re welcome.”

Carol stepped back from him and he repeated the movement. Then came a good fifteen minutes of introductions between Janie, Al, Crash, the kids, Maggie, and Beth. During the middle of it, Caden found himself standing beside Daryl. He bumped their arms together.

“Good to see ya,” Caden said.

“Yeah.” Daryl glanced between Caden and Sophia. "I tried to find ya. But you’re so shit with directions, ya even leave fucked up tracks.”

“Geez, Daryl, don’t get so mushy.” Caden smirked. “Just say ya missed me and move on.”

“Ya did good,” Daryl mumbled, barely loud enough and clearly enough to be understood. “Keepin’ the girl alive. Didn’t think ya could do it.”

“Thanks?”

Glenn stole his attention then by coming to make sure he had been introduced to Maggie, Hershel’s eldest daughter. Caden got the idea that Glenn already knew the pair had been introduced but wanted to make sure Caden knew that he and Maggie were together. Caden didn’t blame him. If he was dating someone so out of his league, he’d want everyone to know too. He also wasn’t sure if Glenn knew he was gay, so maybe he was just making sure Caden knew Maggie was off limits.

The thought made him look over to Crash, who was standing silently beside Al as Rick and Al talked in hushed voices. Caden considered going over there and trying to act as a buffer, but halfway there, he veered off course because Lori had finally stepped away from Carol, Sophia, and Carl, and Caden needed to talk to her.

“Hey,” he greeted once he reached her side. “Can we talk?”

“Of course,” Lori quickly stopped walking and turned to face him. “Is everythin’ okay?”

“Yeah, I just… Rick filled me in on a few things yesterday and I just wanna check in with ya. See how you’re doin’.”

Lori sighed, hand rising to wipe her forehead. She then crossed her arms and looked down at the ground.

“So, you’re not okay?” Caden asked.

“So much has happened,” Lori said. “Did ya hear ‘bout Dale?”

“I know he got bit.”

“No, he didn’t just get bit,” Lori mumbled. “He got… ripped open. He was alive while it was eatin’ him and he was screamin’, Cade. It was awful. And even before that, Carl got shot. That was the scariest moment of my life. I mean, it was terrifying when you…”

Caden looked down. She wasn’t talking about when he went missing. Her voice softened and her eyes teared up the way they did every time she talked about his suicide attempt. And she never said it. Never put into words what he had done. 

“But I wanted to die and Carl’s your kid, so it’s different,” Caden finished for her, even if it wasn’t the exact sentiment she was going for.

Lori shook her head. Caden almost groaned. This always happened too, whenever she was reminded of what he’d done. She stopped talking because, if she spoke, her voice would break and she would start weeping, asking why he would ever do such a thing.

“I’m sorry,” Caden sighed. “I’m sorry, Lori. I shouldn’t be so crass ‘bout it. I just… it’s somethin’ I did. I can’t… take it back.”

Lori shook her head again, wiped a tear from her cheek, and hugged him tightly. And just like her never saying that her little brother had tried to kill himself, her voice breaking, and tears reaching her eyes, this was where they ended every time. She always broke down and hugged him. And he let her. Sometimes he didn’t want to. Sometimes he wanted to push her away and ask her why she had to bring Rick into their family. Sometimes he wanted to tell her how disgusting he was for wanting his brother-in-law. He never did. That would be cruel. He just let her hold onto him until she had reaffirmed that he was still there, and once she calmed down, she would walk away, and next time they saw each other, it would be like nothing had been said. Every time.

“I love you,” she said, catching him off guard. He looked at her with a furrowed brow as she leaned forward to lightly press her lips against his forehead. “I’m so glad you’re back. And that you’re alive. So much happened and I just… I was actually thankful you weren’t there because I didn’t know if you could survive it. And then… Hershel’s daughter tried… she wanted to kill herself. Andrea let her try; I was furious. I was furious because I thought of you, and how, if it was you, I would have killed Andrea. You are one of very few precious things I have left. Stop tryin’ to leave me.”

“You don’t usually talk like this,” Caden mumbled. “It’s the baby, ain’t it? Makin’ ya emotional and shit so you just can’t help yourself.”

Lori laughed, and looked like she really needed it. “I always talk like this. _You_ don’t listen.”

“I always listen,” Caden countered.

“Wait… Rick told ya ‘bout the baby?” Lori asked suddenly, light gone from her face.

“He just… kinda gave me a quick overview of everythin’ that’s been happenin.”

“He shouldn’t of done that. Shouldn’t have told ya.”

“It’s alright, Lori.”

Lori shook her head, arms crossed over her chest. She was pissed.

“First, he lets ya walk away from him after weeks of us worryin’ ‘bout ya and then he went and told ya ‘bout the baby without talkin’ to me and I just… And he killed Shane. Cade, he _killed_ Shane and let Carl get involved.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean for-”

The look Lori gave him shut Caden up right away. He should have known better, anyway. This was Lori when she needed someone on her side, not someone talking her down.

“Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up,” he said quietly.

“I just don’t know what to do, anymore, Cade,” Lori said quietly. “I love him, so much, but how could he kill Shane… how could he let Carl be part of it? That boy _loved_ Shane.”

Caden bit down on his tongue.

“Now he has to live with this. How does he live with this?”

“I think… we all got things we gotta learn to live with. Same as it was before, but the things we gotta live with are worse now,” Caden said softly, thinking of the walkers he had put down with Crash. They still had human faces. They may even still have had family out there that loved them, and it wasn’t the same as what Carl had gone through, putting down someone he knew and cared for, but Caden still struggled with the humanity of it all.

Lori just looked at him for a long moment before she was hugging him again.

“I missed you so much,” she said.

He squeezed her. “I missed you too.”

She let him go when Carl called to her. She patted Caden’s cheek softly before rushing to her son’s side. Caden looked back to where Rick had been with Crash and Al, but it was just Rick and Daryl now, talking in hushed voices with serious looks on their faces. He was about to walk over and interrogate Rick about what he said to Al and Crash, but big arms wrapped around his waist from behind. Caden smiled and leaned back against Crash’s broad chest.

“Your guy’s aptly named, ‘cause dude is a prick,” Crash whispered into his ear.

Caden laughed and turned to face him. “What’d he do?”

“He’s a damn tyrant. Thought Al was gonna deck him, which would have been hilarious, ‘cause Al don’t know how to hit. Probably woulda broke his wrist. But, no, he played nice like the bitch he is.”

“Crash.”

“Sorry. What I meant to say was, Al worked it out with your guy and we’re gonna travel ‘bout a day out from here with y’all, then we should have a path clear of the herd headin’ north.”

“A day, huh?” Caden looked into Crash’s dark eyes.

“We knew it couldn’t last.”

“I kinda hoped it would.”

Crash smiled. “Me too.”

“Last night, you said we have some things to talk ‘bout. What’d you mean?”

“It’s not important, anymore.”

“What? Of course, it is.”

“No, babe, it’s really not. Hey, your guy’s lookin’ over here. Wanna make him jealous?”

Caden laughed a little louder than he should have.

Crash rolled his eyes and said, “Trust me, babe, he’s got a thing for ya. Come here.”

Caden would have argued, but Crash was kissing him, and he liked when Crash kissed him. Especially like this, when he was a little aggressive. Caden loved the tight grip Crash had on his hair. He held onto Crash’s shirt and pulled him closer until they were pressed together.

“Cade.”

Caden jumped and broke the kiss to look to the right where Rick was suddenly standing a lot closer than he had been a moment before.

“We need to talk,” Rick said tensely.

“Are ya kiddin’ me?” Caden snapped, digging his fingers into Crash.

“We’re leavin’ soon,” Rick said. “I need to talk to ya before we go.”

Caden sighed loudly and released Crash.

“Find me when he’s finished with ya,” Crash said with a smirk and a wink.

As Crash walked away, Caden crossed his arms over his chest and turned a glare onto Rick. “Good timin’.”

“You were makin’ a scene,” Rick grumbled.

“ _Really?_ ”

“Caden, a lot has changed since you’ve been gone,” Rick said.

“Yeah, ya told me.”

“I mean this ain’t a democracy, anymore, Cade, and it never should of been. I am in charge, we are doin’ what I say when I say it. My-way-or-the-highway style. Hear me?”

“Why the hell are ya bein’ so hostile, Rick?”

“’Cause that’s how shit gets done these days. And I need to know if you’re plannin’ on leavin’ us.”

Caden frowned. “What?”

“Al said it. That he expected no resistance, if ya decided to go with ‘em.”

Caden scoffed. “Yeah, and was it after your little ‘my way or the highway’ bullshit, so maybe he was tryin’ to take some power back? Is that really why you’re bein’ a dick? Hasn’t it been so much easier without me, anyway?”

“No,” Rick answered without any hesitation. “No, Cade, it’s been bad. Every second of it has been bad.”

Caden tried with all his might to keep the smile off his face, but he couldn’t. It peeked through and he quickly looked down.

“And how could ya even think of leavin’ Lori and Carl?” Rick asked quietly, effectively erasing Caden’s smile. He knew. It had been a terrible thing to consider.

“I’m not goin’ anywhere,” Caden mumbled. “But I’m not… I can’t be who I was. That version of me ain’t gonna survive this, and… and I kinda wanna survive.”

Rick’s shoulders straightened.

“I don’t know if I ever wanted it this much,” Caden whispered. “Bein’ away from ya… it’s been good for me, Rick.”

When Caden looked up, Rick’s expression was unreadable.

“Right.” Rick took a deep, slow breath. “You’ve never told me ya wanted to live before. This is new. This is good. And if ya have to leave… if that’s what it takes, you should go.”

Caden’s chest ached. He clenched his fist, digging his nails into his palm.

“Lori would understand,” Rick continued. “We wouldn’t have to tell her all of it. She just wants ya happy and healthy and if ya tell her Crash can do that for ya… Are ya in love with him?”

“It’s been weeks. I’ve known him for weeks. What the hell?” Caden responded with exasperation. “Could I love him? Probably. One day. Right now, he’s the lifeline I desperately needed. And I’ll always… yeah, I guess I’ll always love him in some way for that, but it ain’t worth leavin’ Lori and Carl, or this new kid. I thought ‘bout it, ya know? Probably more than I should of. But Lori… she needs me.”

“She ain’t the only one – there’s Carl, too.”

Caden shrugged, eyes slowly dropping back to the pavement. He wondered how long the road would be recognizable. Nature would eventually reclaim it, right?

“Crash has been trainin’ me. With a machete but also some hand to hand shit. Think ya could… get Daryl to keep that up?” Caden asked softly.

“I can do it, if he doesn’t want to.”

Caden nodded slowly. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Um… listen,” Caden sighed. “Lori’s… pretty upset, ‘bout Shane and whatever role Carl played – I’m not sure I understand what actually happened but, um… I have to have her back in front of everyone, but I don’t really agree. Shane was dangerous.”

 Rick gently grasped Caden’s arm and pulled him over to where he had been standing earlier with Daryl. No one had been near enough to hear them before, but now they could only be approached by the others on one side instead of all sides.

“What really happened between the two of ya?”

Caden sighed and shrugged. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Tell me anyway,” Rick prodded.

Caden rolled his eyes. “Listen, Shane was just drunk. Thought I was Lori and wanted to fuck. I told him I wasn’t interested, and tried to walk away, so he hit me. It knocked me down and while I was down there… I coulda probably held out, but he said he’d tell Lori ‘bout Merle and, I just… in the moment, I just gave in.”

A long moment of silence passed before Rick just said, “Merle?”

“Yeah. Merle.”

“What about Merle?”

“Shane didn’t tell ya?”

“Think I’d be askin’ if I knew, Cade?”

“Yes.”

Rick glared at him.

“Merle and I were messin’ around,” Caden said. “Wasn’t exactly somethin’ I was proud of or wanted Lori knowin’.”

“You… slept with that guy?”

“Not that it’s actually any of your business, but I’m still a virgin, okay? I just had some fun with Merle.”

“You ain’t sleepin’ with Crash?” Rick asked.

“No, Rick. Again, it’s only been a couple weeks. Damn.”

“That’s plenty of time for some people.”

“Not me. And not Crash. It’s why we get on so well.”

“Well… what ‘bout Daryl?”

“What about him?”

“Didn’t ya sleep with him?”

Caden actually laughed. “Sorry,” he chuckled. “Sorry, but, no. That definitely didn’t happen. Daryl and me are just friends.”

“Oh.”

“Are we done talkin’ ‘bout my sex life, yet?” Caden asked.

“You should of told me ‘bout Shane.” Rick responded.

“Probably.”

"What if he hurt ya again, Cade? What if he hurt Lori?”

“Yeah, I fucked up, but he’s dead now, so what does it matter?”

 “It matters that ya didn’t feel like ya could be honest with me.”

“Are you surprised?” Caden scoffed. “I’ve spent my entire life lyin’ to ya. For no reason apparently, since ya already knew everythin’.”

Rick sighed, reaching up to rub the tension from the back of his neck. “Wish you woulda let me explain that rather than runnin’ off like ya did.”

“I _stormed_ off to get away from you. I ran off to protect Sophia,” Caden corrected him.

“Ya should of let me explain myself,” Rick said lowly.

“Not sure what ya think ya coulda said to make up for the humiliation, but sure, Rick, give it a try.”

“I’ll get right to it, then: Shane was a whore, Cade. Ain’t necessarily a bad thing, if you’re careful and he was careful. And you… Shane made an offhand comment when ya turned eighteen ‘bout you bein’ legal and I didn’t think much ‘bout it. Then when ya turned nineteen ya just… ya grew into yourself, same way Lori did. Shane started makin’ comments that seemed less harmless, so I told him how ya felt ‘bout me. Just to keep him from tryin’ anythin’. You were young and dumb, and I thought you’d get attached to a guy who’d never committed to anyone in his life.”

Caden frowned as he looked at the dead grass at the side of the road, purposefully avoiding watching Rick during this conversation. He _had_ been young and dumb. And he probably would have gotten attached to Shane, even just to feel closer to Rick. But Rick being right didn’t make the betrayal feel any better.

“Shane expected me to react a certain way to it,” Rick admitted. “He expected… me to think it’s weird. And wrong. And I went along with it.”

“Ya shouldn’t have told him. That was fucked up, Rick. I coulda done with someone like Shane, ya know? Least, who he was before. I coulda used some fun.”

Rick stared into Caden’s eyes, hand rising and clasping onto his bicep. “You were always too good for him, Cade.”

“Don’t I know it.”

“You’ve always been too good for the guys you like,” Rick added, squeezing Caden’s arm lightly. Caden rolled his eyes. “Anyway, get ready. Now that you’re back, we ain’t got any reason to stay here. We leave in ten.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're basically back on track for show canon + the comic canon of Sophia still being alive. 
> 
> That reminds me, I should reread some of the comics too.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with this story through these long-ass waits. I have the next few chapters written and things are really picking up. I'm hoping the wait for the next chapter will be less, but it depends on the editing process. 
> 
> I'm a slow editor.

Rick hated Crash. The guy was handsome, tall, muscular, charismatic, and skilled. He wasn’t dumb. He was nice. Everyone else seemed to like him. Even Rick didn’t hate him at first, just found him irritating. His deep voice was grating and the way he touched Caden made Rick’s hands itch with the need to rip them away from each other. But Rick could stand it for a day. That’s all they had to get through. A day with these people, then he thought they’d have them in the right position to get the hell out. They wanted to go north, and Rick wouldn’t say it was a terrible idea, but he was more focused on finding his family shelter to get them through the winter. That was all he could focus on. So, when the first day passed and they couldn’t get rid of Crash and his family, he didn’t think much of it.

Four days later and Rick was desperate to get rid of them. He liked Al well enough – the guy didn’t cause any problems and was great with all the kids, even Carl. Janie was useful in an infinite number of ways, from taking down walkers to hunting as well as Daryl. Having a kid as young as Morgan around was surprisingly good for morale and seemed to bode well for the future. And Crash certainly had his uses, but the longer he spent with Caden… the less Caden looked at Rick.

So, Rick needed them gone. Rick needed Caden to stop looking at Crash like he was some kind of miracle. Like he saved Caden. They barely knew each other. It wasn’t right that Caden was already looking at him like that.

It was enough that Rick became recklessly impatient. The plan he made to get the small family past the tail end of the herd wasn’t his best. One loud noise and the whole herd might turn on them. Sure, Rick, Daryl, Glenn, and Maggie were there, killing any stragglers silently with their knives, but they were right behind the herd. If the smallest thing went wrong, Rick was risking a lot of people just to get rid of Crash.

Rick glanced at the large man. Caden came with them too, staying tight against Crash’s side while gripping the machete Crash had given him. Rick had tried to take it away, but Caden refused and Crash privately accused him of making Caden helpless. Not just _treating_ him like he was helpless but making him so.

Rick seethed as he remembered the conversation.

“Ya want him helpless,” Crash had said, sneering at Rick.

Rick had taken a few angry steps closer and hissed, “What was that?”

“I don’t know why else ya never taught him anythin’ ‘bout defendin’ himself. Shit, ya live in Georgia and never even showed him how to shoot. And you know he coulda used some of that fancy, cop trainin’, when he was gettin’ bullied ‘cause of ya. But he especially needs it now. It says a whole lot ‘bout ya that ya didn’t teach him shit even after the dead started risin’. I know ya were in a coma for a while but that ain’t an excuse. Ya had time to teach him somethin’ – a lot of time, actually. He’s a damn natural and if ya had ever bothered to teach him to stand up for himself instead of havin’ to run back to you, ya woulda known that it takes him no time to figure shit out. And he woulda been able to protect himself from _your_ rapist best friend.”

Rick hadn’t said anything. He was just taken aback that Crash knew so much. Caden had really opened up to him. It was strange. Caden never even had friends.

“I bet it’s ‘cause ya know if he was ever strong enough to survive on his own, he’d leave ya.”

“That ain’t true,” Rick said, shaking his head. “’Cause of Lori. It don’t got anythin’ to do with me.”

“Wish he’d say screw it and leave anyway,” Crush mumbled. “You ain’t good for him. No matter how much he loves his sister, he ain’t gonna be happy as long as he’s with ya.”

“You don’t know a damn thing ‘bout it,” Rick remembered saying, but he felt completely out of control of himself. He didn’t remember deciding what to say. The words just fell from his mouth. “You’ve known him for what? Two weeks? Less? He’s been mine all his life. I _know_ him.”

“Do ya hear yourself, Rick? ‘He’s been mine?’ _Yours?_ Really? ‘Cause that’s your brother-in-law you’re talkin’ ‘bout.”

“I know that,” Rick hissed.

“Ya sure?” Crash asked, smirking like a damn bastard. “’Cause I see ya been starin’ at him. Anytime I see ya, guess what, you’re starin’. And the look in your eyes when I touch him – ya wanna hit me, don’t ya?”

“Right now, I do,” Rick said.

“You’re makin’ him weak,” Crash stated. “Cut that shit out before it gets him killed.”

“You don’t know shit ‘bout-”

“Stop it. Don’t be all angry and shit. Listen to what I’m sayin’ ‘cause I’m only sayin’ it to help ya. Train him. He’ll become one of your best. And for the love of God, stop lookin’ at him like you’re in love with him. He’s blind to it, but other people are bound to catch on. I think Daryl’s close to figurin’ ya out.”

Rick quickly looked over to where Daryl sat on his motorcycle. He was watching the kids. He had been since Sophia’s return. Rick still wasn’t sure Daryl believed Sophia and Caden were actually alive.

“All I’m tryin’ to say is Caden’s gonna live or die based on what you do from here on out. I just wanna give him his best chance at livin’. Now…” Crash grinned. “I don’t got much longer with y'all so I’m gonna go make out with your brother-in-law. I know you’re gonna watch, just don’t be creepy ‘bout it.”

Rick tried not to watch as Crash walked over to Caden, pulled him close, and tilted his chin up so their lips could meet. But Rick did watch. He couldn’t tear his eyes away like it was a train wreck. He had glared and he just _hated_ Crash.

He even hated Crash now, moments before he was about to leave them for good. Rick comforted himself with the knowledge that Crash would soon be gone as he watched, yet again, Crash kiss Caden so deeply, Caden was leaning against him and gripping onto him tightly like he was weak in the knees and would drop to the ground if Crash wasn’t holding onto him. Al was telling Janie that they didn’t have time for this, but she just waved him off and told him to leave them alone; they’d never see each other again, she whispered with tears in her eyes, so they could take as long as they wanted to say goodbye.

Rick forced his eyes away from Caden and Crash. His gaze shifted over his companions only for his eyes to settle on Daryl. Rick cringed when he realized Daryl had been watching him.  Crash was right; Daryl was going to figure him out. He was too smart not to realize something was up when Rick could barely stand to look at his wife but could barely keep his eyes off her brother. He was going to realize exactly what was up when he watched closely enough to realize Rick couldn’t even consider touching Lori right now – not a kiss, not a touch on the arm, especially not a hand on the stomach – but he was fighting hard as hell to keep from touching Caden anyway he could as soon as Caden was within an arm’s reach. Or maybe Daryl wouldn’t see that. It had more to do with the thoughts in Rick’s head than any emotions that reached his face, he hoped. He was usually very good at hiding how he felt. It was just getting harder and harder to do with both Lori and Caden.

Crash was the one that broke the final kiss between himself and Caden. Crash smiled sadly as he wiped the tears from Caden’s cheeks. Rick knew he should feel guilty for being so excited to see Crash leave when it was hurting Caden so much. He should offer to let Crash, Al, Janie, and the kids stay. But the words simply didn’t leave his mouth as Crash whispered something to Caden that made him chuckle weakly and roll his eyes.

“Kinda thought he’d leave with ‘em,” Maggie told Glenn.

Rick clenched his fist and tried to ignore the voice in his head that said Caden could still go. That he should go. That he’d be happier and safer from himself. Rick could never be Crash. Right now, he couldn’t bear to be near Lori. To touch her or even speak to her. There was too much hurt and it was too raw. Her blame, distance, and utter lack of understanding after Shane’s death – after what she did with him and after what he tried to do to Rick – were just the final straws. But only for the moment. Lori was his wife. He loved her. Whatever weird shit he was feeling for Caden, it wasn’t the same. He and Lori would find each other again. It would take time, but they would, like they had before. A lot was different this time, but Rick still loved her. If he didn’t, her relationship with Shane wouldn’t still hurt. No matter how distant they seemed now, Rick and Lori would find their way back to each other and Caden would have to watch. And Rick would have to watch Caden be miserable, knowing that misery was his fault. So, what Rick should have done was walk right over to Caden and tell him to leave too. To stay with Crash. But he couldn’t. And it wasn’t for Lori or Carl’s sake. It was his own selfishness.

Rick looked to the ground as Caden and Janie hugged. He felt… he wasn’t sure there was a word for how low he felt. Like scum, but worse. Because he knew – it had become so obvious – that he would rather Caden be miserable than love someone else. Or be with someone else. And Rick would rather handcuff Caden to himself than let him walk away again. He knew he should be ashamed, but all he could manage was a shred of guilt.

Despite the haphazard way Rick had thrown together his plan to get the group through the herd, it worked. They watched the family disappear down a dirt road that Hershel was positive would take them north and around the herd in its current position. It wasn’t on any of the maps Al had, but Hershel was certain, and he’d lived there long enough that no one argued.

“Are you okay?” Glenn asked Caden as they started the walk back to the random house where the rest of the group was waiting.

Caden wiped his cheeks. “I’m fine.”

Rick didn’t believe him. He doubted anyone believed him. Rick couldn’t say anything right then, but he’d find Caden later, when he was alone and they could speak openly, and he’d do what he could to make this easier.

Except, Caden wasn’t alone for the next week. He always seemed to be with Carl, Sophia, Carol, and Lori. Because Beth was often around the kids too, her and Caden had started spending a lot of time together – she had just lost her boyfriend to the herd of walkers, after all, so the two bonded over a similar loss. And if Caden wasn’t with any of them, he was with Daryl, training. All it had taken was a stern look from Carol to get Daryl to help.

Rick was getting agitated. Caden wasn’t speaking to him. Wasn’t looking at him. Wasn’t even coming near him. When Caden was a teenager, Rick would have killed for this kind of treatment. Now, he only made it a week before he stormed across the living room of the most recent house they had cleared to where Caden was laying across the couch while Beth sat on the floor in front of him, both reading books they had found in the house. It had been Caden’s idea to pick a book in whichever house they were staying in and try to finish it before they had to leave in order to stay ahead of the herd that felt like it was just circling around them. So far, Beth and Maggie were the only ones who had joined Caden, but Rick had heard Carol was considering joining them, just for the bonding experience and to do something “normal” again.

Beth looked up at Rick first. She smiled at him, but he didn’t smile back.

“Rick?” Caden said in confusion when he looked up to find Rick looming over him.

“We need to talk,” Rick said.

“Not right now,” Caden sighed.

Rick reached down, grabbed Caden’s wrist, and yanked him off the couch, barely maneuvering him so he didn’t collide with Beth. His book dropped onto her shoulder before falling onto the ground next to her.

“Ow! Fuck, Rick, what are you doin’?” Caden snapped, shoving Rick back once he was standing.

“We need to talk _now_.”

“Well, ya didn’t say that.”

Rick hadn’t. And he could have. But he hadn’t touched Caden in a week and had just been looking for any excuse.

“Follow me,” Rick grumbled, turning and walking him away from Beth.

It was a two-story house and there wasn’t really a place Rick could risk an honest conversation with Caden, where he could be certain no one would overhear them. To combat this, Rick led him into the fenced-in backyard and over to the side of the barn at the back, but not inside it. He wanted to see Caden’s face and it was too dark in the barn.

 “You’ve been avoidin’ me,” Rick said as he turned on Caden.

“Yeah,” Caden said, shrugging. “And? With all the conversations we had you _really_ didn’t see this comin’?”

Rick hadn’t. Even when Caden told him to keep his distance, Rick hadn’t thought they would ever reach a point where they hadn’t spoken in days.

“Plus, you’re bein’ an ass,” Caden sighed, running his fingers through his hair. It was getting too long. Rick liked it shorter. Caden looked less like Lori when his hair was shorter. “When are ya gonna stop punishin’ Lori for an affair she didn’t know she was havin’?”

“We ain’t talkin’ ‘bout this,” Rick said.

“We thought you were dead.”

“And it sure as hell didn’t take either of ya that long to move on.” Rick paused. He hadn’t meant to include Caden. He was only supposed to be angry at Lori for Shane, not Caden for Merle. “I mean… how long did she wait before she was fuckin’ my best friend.”

“First of all, she may be your wife, but she’s my sister, so _do not_ speak about her like she’s a whore. I will hit you. Hard. Second, the world was endin’, and her husband had just died – can ya really blame her for needin’ some comfort? And that’s the kind of comfort Shane offered. That ain’t her fault. If anythin’, be pissed at him. He shoulda known better than to take advantage of her and you gotta stop blamin’ her for it.”

“This ain’t just ‘bout the affair anymore,” Rick explained quietly, not sure why he was defending himself. He would never change Caden’s mind. “She froze me out after Shane’s death just when-”

“Of course, she froze ya out,” Caden hissed. “Shane didn’t just die. Y’all coulda cried together then and all would be fine, but you fuckin’ killed him, Rick. And even if ya had to do it, ya made her ask herself if she caused it. So, of course it took her a while to come to terms with it. It ain’t ‘bout you. It was her. She had to come to terms with her role in it. And she has. She wants to be close to you again and all you’re doin’ is treatin’ her like she jumped on Shane the second you were shot. That ain’t what happened. She was devastated, Rick.”

Rick shook his head. None of what Caden said sounded entirely wrong, but he couldn’t make sense of it. He couldn’t feel the empathy toward Lori that would be required to make sense of it.

And, apparently, Caden could see that on his face. He threw his hands up angrily. “Whatever,” he huffed. “She’s the best damn thing that ever happened to ya and you’re gonna regret bein’ such an ass.”

“Why are ya pushin’ for this so hard?” Rick asked in a whisper. “Ain’t it easier for ya if we don’t-”

“Do not finish that sentence, you complete fuckin’ prick,” Caden said quickly. “It ain’t easier for me if my sister’s heart is broken. Fuck you for even thinkin’ it. And, ya know what, don’t talk to me unless you’re talkin’ to Lori too. You got orders for me when we’re clearin’ a house, fine, but that’s as far as it goes. Anythin’ else you need to say can go through Daryl. I was on your side before, I was just hidin’ it. I ain’t on your side anymore.”

“Cade. This doesn’t have anythin’ to do with you,” Rick tried, because he couldn’t go back to being ignored by Caden without a fight, at least. “It’s between me and Lori.”

“Oh, fuck off, Rick,” Caden groaned.

“Cade,” Rick sighed.

Caden just held his hand up over his shoulder as he walked back into the house, flipping Rick off. Still, Rick hoped that Caden wouldn’t stick to his threat to not speak to him as long as he wasn’t speaking to Lori. Caden was in love with him, after all. How long could Caden really go without talking to him?

Except, a month later, and Caden still hadn’t said a word to him other than to confirm that he had heard an order given to him while clearing houses because Rick still hadn’t found them a home safe from the herd. They kept jumping from house to house. It felt like they were always just barely escaping. It wasn’t true. They usually had at least five minutes’ worth of warning, which was enough. But this last time, they _had_ barely made it out. Sophia ran back to grab a stuffed elephant Al had left with her. Caden followed.

It was the first time he actually saw Caden use his machete. He cut a walker’s head completely in half, turned and chopped another head off, giving Sophia enough time to jump into a car. Caden followed her, squeezing into the backseat with Carl, Sophia, and Lori. If Rick had been in the same car, he would have admonished both of them. Instead he had to be content with gripping the steering wheel tightly on their way to a new, probably temporary home. Because that was all he had to give, right now. A string of temporary homes.

Daryl led the way into the next house. Rick, Glenn, Maggie, Carol, and Caden followed. Caden and Maggie went upstairs at Rick’s direction while the rest continued through the first floor, checking for enemies, alive or dead.

Daryl had just motioned Rick into the kitchen and pointed to two water bottles on the counter, one nearly empty and the other half full, when there was a loud thud upstairs followed by a shout that didn’t sound like either Maggie or Caden. Rick was running for the staircase before he had even had time to think that Caden might be in trouble. Glenn reached the stairs first and sprinted up them, staying ahead of Rick.

“Fuck!” Caden shouted.

Rick’s heart was hammering in his chest as he turned to the right at the top of the stairs. Maggie was running down the hall from the left and Glenn continued to her, allowing Rick to be the first into the room where he had heard Caden. He hadn’t thought far enough ahead to know what he expected when he walked into the room. Later, he would sit and stare at Caden, and he would know he thought he was going to walk into that bedroom to find Caden dead or bitten. Instead, there was a body in the room, slashed across the stomach so intestines spilled onto the dusty floor, but it was a stranger. Rick knew that instantly at the gaunt frame of the person, like they had been starving since the beginning. Rick’s eyes rose from the body to where Caden stood, pinning a larger man against the wall with his forearm against his throat. Blood spilled down Caden’s face and into his right eye, causing him to squint.

Caden was going to choke the man to death, Rick realized. His eyes dropped to the body at his feet, then shifted to the bloody machete lying on the ground a few steps away from Caden.

Daryl stepped into the room and shot a bolt into the man’s forehead without hesitation. Caden quickly stumbled away from the man while Maggie knelt and stabbed a knife into the back of the head of the other body. And then, Caden turned toward them. There was a deep cut going through his eyebrow. There was a pocketknife sticking out from his shoulder.

Caden just looked down at the knife. He blinked a few times, his gaze rose to meet Rick’s, and he reached for the knife.

“No!” Rick lunged forward and grabbed Caden’s wrist just as his hand met metal. “Ya gotta leave it in ‘til Hershel looks at ya.”

“I’ll take him,” Maggie offered. “I shoulda stayed with him.”

Caden kept trying to pull out the knife, fighting against Rick’s grip.

“Stop, _stop_ , Cade,” Rick ordered. He barely glanced at Maggie before saying, “We’re not movin’ him. One of ya go get Hershel, the rest of ya finish clearin’ the house – get T-Dog to help. Be careful.”

“Come on,” Daryl said, passing Glenn in the doorway to leave the room. Maggie rushed out after him.

“Get it out,” Caden mumbled, reaching for the knife – slowly, like reaching through molasses. Rick easily caught his hand and quickly intertwined their fingers to better hold onto him.

“Stop it, Caden,” Rick sighed. “It’s just gonna bleed more. We gotta wait for Hershel.”

Caden kept trying to pull his hand out of Rick’s. Rick wrapped an arm around his waist and guided him to the bed.

“We’re just gonna sit here and wait for Hershel,” Rick said, carefully lowering Caden so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He had to let go of Caden’s hand in order to do so, causing him to instantly reach for the knife again. Rick was quick enough to catch him before he could grab it, but it was another close call.

Rick held Caden’s hand again, probably squeezing a little tighter than necessary, and he very gently wiped some of the blood away from Caden’s eye.

“How’s your head?” Rick asked gently.

“My arm hurts,” Caden replied.

“But how’s your head?”

“My arm.”

“I know.”

“My arm.”

Rick knelt in front of Caden. He looked down at their hands, intertwined and bloody. And suddenly, Caden’s other hand was lifting. Rick grabbed it.

“Stop. What are ya doin’? Is this shock or suicide? What are ya doin’?” Rick asked, surprised by how pleading his own voice sounded.

“Get it out,” Caden repeated.

“I’m here,” Hershel announced as he walked into the room. “Now, let’s take a look at ya.”

Rick stood and backed away, because Lori ran in after Hershel. They replaced him in the space his retreat made in front of Caden, who still looked dazed. He tried to pull the knife out, but Hershel stopped him. Hershel directed Lori to hold Caden’s hands down and Rick slowly walked out of the room.

Daryl met him at the bottom of the stairs. “He alright?”

“I think he’s in shock,” Rick said.

“What was wrong with ya?” Daryl asked.

“What?”

“Ya just stood there. Shoulda killed the guy. Cade was barely holdin’ him back and ya just stood there.”

Rick nodded. That was what he did, wasn’t it? He saw Caden, bloody, then he realized Caden had killed someone and he froze.

“I froze,” Rick admitted, because it was Daryl and he could admit those things to Daryl, if to no one else.

“Ya can’t freeze. Ya don’t freeze.”

“But Cade…” Rick didn’t even finish because there was no good excuse, especially not concerning Caden.

“Yeah, ‘but Cade,’” Daryl said, sounding so suspicious Rick knew what was coming. “Ya in love with him or somethin’?”

Rick looked away. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “Maybe.”

Daryl snorted. “That’s fucked up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jealous/possessive Rick is my favorite Rick.
> 
> Thanks for your time and attention. Lord knows I need it ;)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that. That wasn't a terribly long wait, was it? 
> 
> Though, this chapter is shorter than some of the others. Sometimes, chapters just wanna end where they wanna end.

The world stopped. The world must have stopped, because Carl just walked out of the prison with Maggie, Sophia, and a baby. Maggie had bloody hands. And there was no Lori. So, the world stopped, because no one had to say anything. Caden’s sister was dead. And his world came to a stop. He wasn’t sure if he fell to the ground or got himself down there safely, but he was on the ground. A hand was on his shoulder as Rick walked over to Carl. And he wondered how they kept moving. How they kept breathing – he wasn’t breathing.

He should have left with Crash. Everything would be better if he had left with Crash – why did he stay? God, why did he stay?

Caden gasped and the world spun again. There was a baby, now. And his crying nephew. Caden slowly pushed himself to his feet. Someone helped him, but he still wasn’t sure who and he didn’t turn to look. He just walked over to Carl. He lowered to the ground carefully – a tweak in his leg told him he had probably fallen onto the ground before, and not gracefully. And then he just hugged Carl.

Lori had been afraid of something like this. That the baby would be stillborn, leaving her body already a walker. Or that they would both die.

“If it’s me or the baby, save the baby,” she told him one night as they watched Rick and Carl from across a house with an open floor plan, so they stood in the kitchen and could see the others in the living room.

The suddenness of her statement made Caden laugh uncomfortably. “What?”

“There are so many things that could go wrong,” Lori said softly. “I just want you to be prepared for the worst.”

Caden rubbed his shoulder. Hershel said it was healing well, but it hurt all the time. “I don’t wanna prepare for the worst. Quick – talk ‘bout somethin’ else.”

“I think Rick and Carl hate me,” Lori whispered.

“That… ain’t what I meant. And no one here hates ya,” Caden replied. “Rick just needs some time, and Carl’s followin’ his dad’s lead. They still love ya.”

Lori shook her head and there were tears in her eyes. Caden hated Rick for doing this to her and turned to glare at him.

“What if the baby hates me too?” Lori asked.

“I don’t think babies are capable of hatin’ anyone.”

“Caden,” Lori sighed loudly.

“Stop worryin’. Everything’s gonna be fine,” Caden said.

He felt like an idiot, now. He slowly stood and placed his hand on Carl’s shoulder. “Come on,” he said softly. “Sit down. Hershel, how’s the baby?”

“She’s healthy,” Hershel answered. “But if we want her to stay that way, we’re gonna need formula.”

“It’s a girl?” Beth whispered.

“It’s a girl,” Hershel confirmed.

Caden just held his arms out. “Give her here.”

Hershel carefully transferred the baby into Caden’s arms. And Caden’s world just zeroed in on that chubby little face. He stared down into blue eyes and he didn’t see any piece of Rick. But the nose… the baby shared that nose with Lori, him, and their mother. That was his family’s nose.

“She’s beautiful.” Caden turned to show the baby to Rick, but he was gone.

Things happened around Caden for a while. Carl and Sophia sat beside him. He thought Carl was either afraid to leave him alone or trying to make up for the time he had spent freezing him out for siding with Lori. In the moment, Caden forgot that Carol and T-Dog had died as they tried to reach safety within the prison, which explained why Sophia stayed close. Most of the prisoners they had found during Hershel’s amputation hadn’t made it either, just leaving two, who were not trusted. Caden had watched Rick execute one of the prisoners. Was Lori dying then, Caden wondered; while Rick was busy killing someone, was Lori giving birth and dying?

Caden focused back on the baby. He had to. He couldn’t think about Lori, right now. He’d mourn her right soon. He would. But he needed to hold off on mourning until he knew his new niece would survive. Until he knew his nephew would be okay. He would mourn once he knew if Rick was ever going to come back from this. Someone in their family had to be strong right now and it couldn’t be Carl. It wouldn’t be fair for it to be Carl, so it needed to be Caden. Even if he wanted to crumble. He stared at the baby and willed himself to be strong.

He didn’t hear the conversation about getting formula. He didn’t hear Maggie whispering to Glenn about what had happened. He didn’t even hear when Daryl and Maggie drove off on his motorcycle. All he heard was the quiet cooing of the baby and Carl’s steady breathing beside him.

Caden returned to his senses, slowly. He rose from where he was sitting and handed the baby over to Beth. Then he led Carl and Sophia inside the prison, trying to distract them by setting up a place for the baby. She would need food soon. She would start crying for food and Caden didn’t want to test the strength of the fence outside – would the sound even penetrate the walls? He wasn’t sure. He looked at the thick stone walls and thought it was possible they were soundproofed enough that walkers wouldn’t be drawn in, but the part of him that couldn’t forget he had just lost his sister still expected the worst.

Had he cried yet? He reached up and touched his cheek. He didn’t think he had. That didn’t seem like him. He always cried. He never learned how to hold it back. He cried when Crash left him, and this was his sister who had practically raised him. Why wasn’t he crying? He didn’t need to be that strong.

Daryl and Maggie returned a short time later with formula found in an abandoned daycare. It was like a weight was lifted from Caden’s chest and he took his first real breath since learning Lori had died. Of course, it wasn’t enough formula. How many empty daycares were they going to have to stumble across to keep her alive?

Caden couldn’t fall asleep that night. Every time he was about to drift off, it was like he could hear Lori asking him if her baby was going to hate her. He kept thinking about how that would have been so much better than her baby never even meeting her.

He got up in the middle of the night, picked up the baby, and just sat with her in his arms, leaning back against the wall. Carl had considered naming her after one of the women they had lost so far. Caden thought she deserved a name of her own, but he was going to try and let Carl name her. As long as he didn’t want anything too ridiculous – they had laughed at Daryl’s suggestion of “Lil Ass Kicker,” but Caden was still nervous something like that would stick. Especially since it seemed like Rick had checked out.

Disappearing for a few minutes to mourn his fallen wife was understandable. Staying gone for hours while everyone else was working together to keep his wife’s baby alive was unacceptable.

Caden sat there with his new niece for hours. He was sad. And he was angry. But mostly, he was exhausted. And he didn’t realize he had fallen asleep until he woke the next day to Beth carefully removing the baby from his arms.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “Just… fell asleep.”

“You’re fine,” Beth said. “She just needs feedin’.”

“I can do it,” Caden offered.

“Let me,” Beth replied. “You’ve had her all mornin’. You were sleepin’, but ya still had her.”

“All mornin’? Did I miss anythin’?”

“Rick came out. For, like, a second.”

“Oh.”

“He was just checkin’ on Carl and you.”

“Was he okay?”

“No,” Hershel said, crutching over. Caden still cringed as he remembered the brutality used to amputate Hershel’s leg after he was bitten inside the prison. “I just came back from seein’ him; he’s strugglin’. I need ya to go down there and talk to him.”

Caden sighed. “I’m probably the last person he wants to see.”

“Why?” Beth wondered.

“I look just like Lori,” Caden said with a shrug. “And Rick and me haven’t exactly been talkin’ lately.”

“Just do me a favor and give it a shot,” Hershel replied. “He needs someone.”

Caden groaned loudly as he pushed himself onto his feet.

“I’ll show ya to him,” Hershel said, leading Caden away from Beth and the kids. “Now, I don’t think he’s right in the head right now, so if ya want me to stay with ya, I can.”

Caden watched Hershel limping along with his crutches and wasn’t sure he could protect even himself against anything at all.

“I’ll be fine,” Caden said. This was Rick after all. Even at his craziest, Caden would trust him with his life.

“Don’t know if I said it yet, but I’m sorry ‘bout your sister,” Hershel said, glancing behind himself to Caden.

Caden nodded a little. “Thanks.”

“It’s a shame,” Hershel continued, and Caden just wanted him to shut up. “But I don’t know if I coulda saved her even if I was there.”

“Yeah, it was hopeless – can we not fuckin’ talk ‘bout it?” Caden snapped.

“I’m sorry, Cade,” Hershel sighed.

“Whatever,” Caden grumbled, running his hands up through his hair.

Hershel didn’t say anything else until they were standing outside a closed door. He pointed at it and said, “Rick’s in there. Sure you’re gonna be-”

“We’ll be fine,” Caden said, shouldering the door open. “Thanks.”

The room instantly disoriented Caden. He walked around large – what were they? Pipes? Heavy duty pipes? Was this a boiler room? Caden had only ever heard of those; seen them on TV. Everything looked heavy and dangerous. He moved cautiously, worried about bumping into anything.

Rick looked up when he heard footsteps, expecting to see Hershel again. But it was Caden and he was like a damn light in the dark. Rick stared as Caden cautiously approached where he was sitting in a rickety chair.

“Hey, Rick,” Caden said softly. “How’re ya doin’?”

Rick’s fingers twitched. His eyes swept over Caden, taking in all the ways he had changed over the months – the definition to his muscles, the tan to his skin, the scar running through his eyebrow, and his hair finally short again.

God, he was so good. So pure, and how could he even stand to be in Rick’s presence right now?

Despite Rick’s silence, Caden kept walking closer until he was within arms’ reach. Rick knew he should stand and back away. He should tell Caden to leave. Instead, he reached out, latched his arms around Caden’s waist, and pulled him even closer. Rick pressed his face against Caden’s stomach as Caden set a hand on his shoulder.

“I know this is… the worst thing that could have happened,” Caden said. “But we’ll-”

Caden froze and Rick could feel him tense in his arms when he pressed a soft kiss to his stomach.

“What’re ya doin’?” Caden squeaked.

Rick wasn’t actually sure of what he was doing. Caden just smelled so good – not like Lori, but like home. And his lips against the soft fabric weren’t enough. Rick lifted Caden’s shirt and kissed his skin, still keeping one arm wrapped around him.

“Rick!” Caden tried to squirm out of his hold but Rick held him tighter.

Rick wasn’t thinking, for the first time since he realized his wife was dead, he was purely following instinct. His rattled brain was taking a break and he just wrapped himself in Caden for the comfort of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated.   
> :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna just be honest, I almost didn't share this chapter. ItCouldAllBeForNothingTomorrow is the main reason I have the courage to post it.

“Stop, Rick,” Caden said loudly as Rick pushed his shirt up higher, clearly wanting Caden to take it off.

Caden just about jumped out of his skin when Rick’s arm around his waist slipped lower. He didn’t just touch Caden’s ass, he grabbed a handful and made Caden awkwardly arch closer to him to get away from it.

“Stop!” Caden grabbed a fistful of Rick’s hair and yanked his head back, away from where he had just started sucking a hickey above Caden’s waistband. “I ain’t her, Rick.”

And despite everything, Rick had the audacity to look at Caden like he was an idiot. He then let go of Caden’s ass only to bring his hand around and cup the front of Caden’s jeans, where his hard cock was already straining against the fabric.

“I know who ya are,” Rick said, looking up at Caden and licking his lips. “Kiss me, Cade.”

He shouldn’t. Rick was fucked up, right now. So was Caden. They had both just lost someone incredibly important to them. Rick didn’t really want this, no matter how much Caden did. He probably just wanted to feel closer to Lori and Caden was the closest he could get. But the need surging through Caden made his skin uncomfortably hot, especially where Rick’s hands were touching him.

“Kiss me,” Rick repeated, almost sounding hurt.

Caden’s hand was trembling as it left Rick’s hair to lightly touch his cheek. Slowly, Caden leaned down, staring at Rick’s lips. Rick surged upward, gripping Caden’s face with both his hands and crashing their lips together.

Caden did not know what was happening. His body already felt so on edge, because this was Rick and Rick was kissing him, pushing his tongue into Caden’s mouth and exploring like he was memorizing it. Caden couldn’t help the soft moans that Rick was pulling from him. He just held onto Rick, thoughts frazzled and broken.

Caden only came back to himself when he realized Rick was unzipping his own jeans. “Clothes off,” Rick said gruffly.

Slowly, Caden started stripping. He blushed, wondering what Rick must think of him. Was he attracted to Caden at all? Did this go beyond his connection to Lori?

Rick’s erection should have been answer enough, but Caden’s mind went blank and he forgot he ever worried about anything wen Rick’s jeans came off. He got onto his knees and before Rick could say anything, he just took Rick’s whole cock into his mouth, down his throat. He silently thanked Merle for all the advice, because Rick was moaning and leaking precum already. And it somehow felt good, the heavy, hot flesh in his mouth. Everything fit perfectly; Rick’s lips against his and now Rick’s cock in his mouth.

Caden actually whimpered when Rick pulled him off, a thin line of saliva connecting them for a moment. When Rick pulled Caden onto his feet, Caden was a little surprised to find Rick’s own fingers in his mouth. Then Rick turned him around and bent him over a dusty workbench behind them. Caden’s eyes widened. It was clear what Rick intended. He wondered if he should stop this.

But it was Rick. God and Lori forgive him, it was Rick.

Caden’s muscles automatically tensed as a slick finger pushed into him. “Relax,” Rick whispered, stroking Caden’s neck and shoulders. “Ya need to relax or it’s gonna hurt.”

“It’s gonna hurt either way,” Caden mumbled. “Merle told me.”

Rick’s finger suddenly left Caden empty and there were teeth sinking into his shoulder. Caden gasped, scrambling to get up. Rick held him down with a hand on the back of his neck.

“Let’s not talk ‘bout him,” Rick growled into his ear.

“Sorry,” Caden said quickly.

“And-” Rick kissed where he had just bitten. “-It doesn’t gotta hurt.”

Rick would go on to prove it by slowly working Caden open with one, then two and three fingers. It was uncomfortable, at first, with each new finger. But as Rick pressed his fingers in and pulled them out, scissoring and just barely brushing against Caden’s prostate, that strange and uncomfortable feeling was replaced with ecstasy.

How did Rick know what he was doing? Maybe Caden was just easy to please since he had never done this before, but by the time Rick removed his fingers, Caden was panting and twitching, feeling so damn empty.

“Hurry up,” Caden begged, looking back to see Rick just staring at him. “Please, Rick. So empty, _please_.”

Rick gripped Caden’s hips tightly. He stroked a circle into Caden’s skin with his thumb.

“You’re beautiful,” Rick said, nudging Caden’s legs further apart with his knee. Caden blushed from head to toe, closing his eyes. “Feels wrong, havin’ ya spread like a whore.”

“Rick, wh-” Caden’s words turned into a gasping moan when Rick finally, _finally_ pushed inside him.

It was almost excruciatingly slow. Rick must have agreed, judging from the strained grunts coming from him as he forced himself to not slam hard and fast into Caden’s body. But they fit so perfectly together. Rick on Caden and in him. Like Caden was made for this – for him.

Caden was breathing heavily. He gripped the edge of the workbench, needing something to hold onto as Rick bottomed out. Rick held still for a moment, letting Caden adjust. Despite how difficult it was to remain still, Rick did until Caden groaned quietly and breathlessly said, “Wh-what are ya doin’? Fuckin’ move, Rick!”

“Don’t wanna hurt ya,” Rick grumbled.

“I don’t care, I don’t care. Just move.”

Rick was still moving too slowly for Caden’s liking as he pulled out and slowly pushed back in. Caden reached back blindly, trying to grab onto Rick’s thigh and force him to move faster. He was so on the edge of the best feeling of his life that it seemed cruel for Rick to move so damn slowly.

“God, Rick, just fuck me already,” he groaned.

Rick slammed his hips forward, and the next words Caden was going to throw at him were lost to a moan, and this just felt perfect.

Caden lost track of time, so he didn’t know how long Rick pounded him into the workbench, but he was a panting, whimpering mess the whole time. At some point he started saying incoherent curse words and, later, he’d be mortified that he mumbled, “I love you,” at least two times, but the words were so muffled by moans that he didn’t think Rick understood what he was saying. Rick just kept kissing his shoulders and the back of his neck, sometimes biting or sucking. It was almost too much. Too many heated points of contact. Just a little more. Just a little more.

Rick wrapped his hand around Caden’s cock, which was so hard it’d hurt if he wasn’t so overwhelmed by how good it all felt. It only took two quick pumps in time with Rick’s thrusts for Caden to finally reach the edge Rick had been pushing him to for what felt like hours. He moaned Rick’s name loudly – maybe too loudly – and came, spilling over Rick’s hand.

Caden’s body twitched and spasmed, clenching around Rick still thrusting into him, erratic and breathless. Caden was too sensitive and this was the closest he had come to true pain with Rick as he gasped at the slight overstimulation. Suddenly, Rick pulled out of him, causing him to whimper and flinch, and the next thing Caden knew, warmth was dripping down his back as Rick came on him instead of in him.

Caden stared at an old rotary phone on the workbench beside him. What had they just done?

He didn’t know what to do next. He didn’t even want to push himself up. He didn’t want to see Rick.

What the fuck had they done?

“Oh my God,” he whispered.

“Cade,” Rick said gently.

“We should not have done that,” Caden said. He gripped the edge of the workbench tighter. “Oh my God, I should not have done that.”

Rick’s silence hurt. It also reminded Caden that Rick had been the one who instigated this.

Carefully, Caden rose onto his elbows, then used the workbench to steady himself as he straightened and turned around. Then he just kind of slid to the floor. He looked up at Rick, fully clothed, and said, “What the _fuck_ , Rick?”

Rick still didn’t say anything. He stared down at Caden. Caden followed Rick’s eyeline, realizing he had been staring at the small scar left by a pocketknife on his right shoulder. It still ached sometimes. Caden reached to cover it and was acutely aware that he was naked, as if that mattered now.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” Caden repeated. He pushed himself to his feet. He was shaky and he stumbled. Rick moved forward to catch him but Caden held up his hand quickly. “Don’t. Please, don’t touch me.”

“Cade…”

“What was I thinkin’?” Caden mumbled, walking stiffly to the pile of his clothes. “You ain’t in the right frame of mind. _I_ ain’t in the right frame of mind. What did I do?”

“Caden.”

“Lori just died, Rick!”

Rick finally looked away. Caden started to clumsily get into his clothes. With the pleasure wearing off, and some of the shock, his lower back ached. He was a little sore. He probably shouldn’t have urged Rick into moving so hard and fast. But it had felt so good. He felt guilty for how damn good it was.

“I’m sorry, Rick,” Caden said quietly.

“No, Cade, I-” Rick began, but then his eyes shot over to the old phone. “Y-you should go.”

“Rick, I didn’t mean to-”

“Just go.”

Caden frowned, slowly moving toward the door Hershel had walked him through. He glanced back to find Rick hovering over the phone.

“I’m sorry,” Caden repeated, tears in his eyes.

“Go!” Rick yelled, frantic.

Caden ran out. He only stopped running to quickly try to clean himself up. Then he ran again, faster, all the way back to the rest of the group. He went right to Beth with the baby, his lower half absolutely aching. He probably shouldn’t have run at all.

“Can I have her?” he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

“Of course.” Beth quickly put the baby into Caden’s arms, and he knew he had failed at not showing how wrecked he was by the way Beth was looking at him with her wide eyes.

Hershel walked over with Maggie at his side.

“How’d it go with Rick?” Hershel asked.

“I couldn’t get through to him,” Caden answered, staring down at his niece. “I think I made everythin’ worse.”

“Ah well… it was worth a shot,” Hershel sighed. “Thanks for tryin’.”

“You leavin’ now?” Beth asked, looking at Maggie.

“Yeah, I’m just comin’ to say bye to Lil Ass Kicker,” Maggie said, smiling down at the baby.

“Where are ya goin’?” Caden asked.

“Me and Glenn are goin’ on a run. Gonna try and find more formula and bullets,” Maggie answered.

“Can I go?” Caden asked, hopeful. The distraction – feeling useful – might make this hurt and this guilt go away. For a little while, at least.

Maggie’s smile lifted to Caden. “Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN...
> 
> Also, this was my first attempt at more detailed smut instead of keeping it kinda vague, so like, I know it could be better. But I did my best. (Don't worry. Between this story and my Daryl/OMC story, I'm hoping to get some practice in.)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a lot of help from the comics for this chapter. Half the plot comes from the comics, and some dialogue does too. 
> 
> Most of the dialogue at the end is from the comics. Basically, when it starts getting really uncomfortable, that's not me. That's them. I think it'll be pretty clear, but if you're curious to know what's directly from the comic, I can let you know in the comments.
> 
> I apologize in advance.

Caden counted. To sixty. One to sixty. Sixty to one. He wasn’t able to keep track of how many times he counted, but each time he knew another minute had passed.

And he used to think that if he ever saw Merle again, it’d be a good thing.

Caden hadn’t been of any use on the run. He sat silently in the back of the car. He walked aimlessly away from Maggie and Glenn. When Maggie hurriedly asked him where he was going, he just pointed down the way at a different store than the one Maggie and Glenn had set their sights on. Caden just wanted to be alone. He thought it was a mistake, coming with Glenn and Maggie when all he wanted was to curl up with his niece and nephew.

There were no walkers inside the store Caden wandered into, which he considered lucky since he hadn’t even taken the precaution of bringing a gun this time. Hell, he didn’t even have his machete out.

Crash would be so disappointed.

The thought made Caden pull the machete from where it had been hanging uselessly at his belt. He stared down at it as he stopped walking and just slowly lowered onto the ground, sitting with his legs crossed. He set the machete in his lap and just gazed down at it.

He started wondering what the hell Rick had been thinking? It must have been because Caden looked so much like Lori. When they got to the prison, Caden cleaned up like everyone else and shaved, so he looked even more like Lori. But Rick had said his name. Touched his dick and didn’t flinch. And wasn’t it a bit weird that Rick knew what to do? How to touch Caden to open him up and how to nail his prostate again and again. He didn’t hesitate or stumble. God, it had been perfect. But why had it happened?

And what would Crash say, if he knew? He’d be disappointed and worried. Caden was disappointed and worried too. But Crash would also be furious with Rick. Was Caden? There was anger, but not at Rick. He was angry with himself, for not stopping it. For enjoying it so damn much. For knowing, if Rick came to him again, he’d do it again and again, over and over until Rick was sick of him.

Why did he even care so much what Crash would think, anyway? Crash was just some guy who saved him and kissed him, sometimes. Caden should be more worried about what Daryl would think. Or Carl.

“Oh God,” Caden whispered in the silence of the store, tears beginning to fall down his cheeks.

He grabbed the machete and thought for one long second about digging it into his flesh and just ending this shame. And then he threw the machete, as hard and far as he could. It clattered loudly against a fallen shelf. It didn’t go as far as he wanted, but that was fine. He’d have to track it down anyway before he left.

Caden looked around the sparsely stocked shelves that were still standing. He was going to pull himself together and do some searching; he was just going to do it slowly. But then there was a gunshot outside. Caden scrambled onto his feet and went running for Maggie and Glenn. He reached Glenn’s side by the car just as Glenn yelled, “Let her go!”

“Merle?!” Caden gasped, eyes falling to where Merle sat on the ground, holding Maggie with his gun to her head. The arm around Maggie’s neck was half metal, half knife. “Wh-what the hell?”

“Oh good, look who’s here,” Merle taunted. “Both of y’all, get in the car. Glenn’s drivin’.”

“You’re alive?” Caden asked quietly, watching Glenn quickly put his gun on top of the car. Glenn stepped away with his hands out. Caden also kept his hands out, wishing like hell that he hadn’t been an idiot, throwing away his only weapon.

“Shut up, kid,” Merle ordered. Caden wasn’t surprised. Merle always did love bossing him around. “Just get in the car.”

“We’re not going back to our camp,” Glenn said.

“No,” Merle replied. “We’re goin’ somewhere else.”

Neither Caden nor Glenn moved. Caden was just following Glenn’s lead.

“Get in the car!” Merle shouted, fake arm tightening around Maggie’s neck, causing her to pull at it in panic.

Glenn moved first, backing toward the car. Caden followed, fearing he had been wrong about Merle all along. A fear only strengthened during the drive when Merle threatened to pistol whip Glenn if Caden didn’t stop asking how he survived or where they were going. And for the first time since he met the Dixon brothers, he believed everything everyone had said about Merle as he watched silently while Caden, Maggie, and Glenn were separated.

“I want to talk to Merle,” Caden said. He was being led by one man while another held his arms behind his back with a bruising grip on his wrists. He wasn’t given a response. He was just walked into an empty room and sat in a chair at an uneven table before being left alone. That was at least sixty sets of sixty ago.

Caden folded his arms on the table and laid his head on top of them. He closed his eyes. There was a dull ache in his lower back, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of Rick or the uncomfortable chair.

Suddenly, the door opened and Caden sat up as straight as he could. A tall man walked in, more put together than Caden had seen anyone since the CDC. He didn’t look like he belonged in the same world Caden was living in.

“Hi there,” the man greeted, pleasantly enough. “Cade, right?”

Caden nodded, very slightly.

“I’m Philip Blake. They’ve taken to callin’ me the Governor, ‘round here,” he continued, smiling. “And you’re one lucky kid; Merle’s one of my best men and he’s vouched for ya.”

“Can I talk to him?” Caden asked.

“Later, sure,” the Governor said. “But he’s busy with Glenn right now, so how ‘bout you and me just talk?”

“’Bout what?” Caden mumbled.

The Governor walked around the table to stand across from Caden, his hands on his hips. “I need to know where your people are camped.”

“Why?”

“Just gonna stop by. Check in. Make sure we’re all on the same page.”

Caden glanced around the brick room. None of this felt right. Merle held a gun to Maggie’s head. That alone meant he couldn’t be trusted. This place and this person, who walked into the room like he owned the whole damn world, couldn’t be trusted.

“I’m not gonna tell ya anythin’,” Caden said cautiously. “Not… not unless I get to talk to Glenn and Maggie first.”

There was a flash in the Governor’s eyes. “You should know, Merle’s word only takes you so far here. I’m the one you really want on your side. So, help me out. Where’s your camp?”

“Let me talk to Glenn and Maggie,” Caden replied calmly.

“You want to talk to your friends?” the Governor asked, smiling so coldly it caused a shiver to run up Caden’s spine. “Fine. Let’s _all_ talk.”

The Governor quickly crossed the room and grabbed Caden by the arm, yanking him to his feet and dragging him to the door. He didn’t fight as the door was opened and he was pulled into the hallway, figuring the more he saw of the place the easier escaping would be later.

The Governor led him through a hallway and down another before they stopped outside a door where a short man was standing guard. “Bring her out, Martinez,” the Governor ordered.

Martinez opened the door and disappeared inside. Caden glanced at the Governor. He was smirking and saw Caden as such a little threat that his grip was loose. Caden could slip free any moment. He was debating on doing so when Maggie was brought out of the room by Martinez. Her shirt was gone, her hands strategically crossed over her chest to hide her breasts. Caden’s mind went blank with anger he hadn’t felt since some asshole had shot Rick. But this time, Caden could do something to appease his anger. He turned, pulling his arm free from the Governor’s grasp just to pull back and punch him directly in the nose. The Governor hadn’t been expecting it, falling backward. Caden was just about to strike again when he was pulled back by two men who ran down the hallway at the commotion. Caden grabbed onto anything he could, hoping for hair, but his fingers closed around flesh.

The ear peeled off in his grasp. The Governor screamed in rage and pain as Caden was slammed into the wall and held there with a hand on the back of his neck. Caden turned his head, staring at the bloody chunk of ear he still held tightly. He hadn’t meant to do that. He unclenched his fist and watched the ear fall to the ground.

“I’m gonna break this little bastard’s neck. Just say the word, boss,” one of the new guys said as he yanked Caden away from the wall and faced him toward the Governor. A large forearm wrapped around his neck.

“NO!” the Governor shouted, a hand over the bloody hole where his ear used to be. “Don’t do a fucking thing to him!”

Caden’s eyes flickered to Maggie. She was horrified for him. He thought he should be more afraid than he was as the Governor took a step toward him.

“I don’t – ugh – want this guy to get a bruise that doesn’t come from me.” The Governor was staring at him with fire in his eyes. “He’ll suffer for what he’s done – he’ll wish he was dead. The things I’m going to do to him – the pain I’m going to cause him… This is going to be fun. Put him in _the room_ , Martinez.”

Caden specifically didn’t look toward Maggie as he was dragged away by Martinez as another guy held a gun on him.

“Make sure Merle doesn’t find out,” the Governor added before Caden was pushed down a different hallway.

They didn’t go far before he was being taken into a new room without a table and a chair. He thought it was just an empty room until Martinez pushed him hard onto his knees and quickly tied a rope around his neck. He stared straight ahead, ignoring the man with the gun, as Martinez tied more rope around his wrists so he couldn’t move or relax his arms, stretched out at his sides. He remained on his knees, angry as hell and immobile, as Martinez and the other man left the room. Caden tried to pull free of the ropes with no hope of it working. They were just too tight.

He should have just left with Crash.

Caden started counting. One to sixty. Sixty to one.

His heart was racing. His arms were already tired. How long had it been? He wasn’t keeping track of sixties. He was just counting because he was scared.

His eyes snapped to the door when it opened and followed the Governor as he walked in. He had bandages over his ear so Caden couldn’t see if they had the ability to reattach it. He wished he had the forethought to crush it before dropping it.

“Let’s get this underway,” the Governor said, smirking.

Martinez walked closer as the Governor pushed the door shut. Caden glared at him and tried to look like he wasn’t scared. He was sure he failed. He was sure there were tears in his eyes.

“Martinez, do me a favor. Take his pants off and tie his leg to that wall over there,” the Governor said, pointing to the right.

Caden refused to look away from the Governor as Martinez did as instructed. Martinez didn’t even question it. How many times had he done this for the Governor?

Once Caden’s legs were bare – he didn’t even try to fight the blush that just automatically flushed his skin – Martinez stretched Caden’s leg out until he was balanced on just the tips of his toes and tied rope around his ankle.

“And tie his other leg to that wall over there,” the Governor ordered, pointing to the opposite wall. “Don’t struggle too much just yet, boy. You’re going to want to save your energy.”

Caden’s eyes drifted to the bandage and he hoped the ear had been unsalvageable. If he was going to go through this, he wanted to have left a permanent mark on this asshole.

“After you’re done there, Martinez… leave us to it. We need the privacy. And shut the door on the way out,” the Governor said as he leered at Caden. “Tell me – how long do you think it would take for me to ruin your life – shatter your sense of security. Really fuck you up?  I think a half an hour could probably do it – but really, I plan on doing this every day as often as I can, until you figure out some way to kill yourself.”

Caden glanced down at Martinez while he stretched his other leg out just as far as the first. Slowly, his gaze rose back to connect with the Governor’s as the man grinned and said, “This is going to be fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, did you know that ears are attached by nothing but skin and are, in fact, rather easy to rip off? Self-defense - eyes and ears. 
> 
> Also, in the comics, this is Michonne's storyline. And she bites his ear off, because she is much more badass than little ole Caden. But the Governor had just chopped Rick's arm off, so the stakes were different. It's really unsettling.
> 
> Basically, anything the show used from the comics was toned down. Even HBO would toned some of that shit down. Honestly, the show and comics are like two completely different stories.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super sorry for how long this update took. This chapter really gave me some trouble.
> 
> There's a lot of dialogue that isn't mine here. About 98% of what the Governor says is from the comics and anything I added was only added to accommodate Maggie's presence or the change in gender of his victim. Toward the end, some of the dialogue was taken from the show. If you are curious to know exactly what comes from the comics and/or show, let me know in the comments and I'll be happy to provide you with details.

Caden’s body trembled. Everything hurt. From head to toe. He should have left with Crash. _God_ , he should have left with Crash. He couldn’t catch his breath between the sobs, chest heaving beneath his tattered shirt. The Governor stood over him, smirking and zipping his jeans.

“Okay, okay… I’ll admit it. I got a little carried away… But I don’t regret a thing. I enjoyed every minute of it. What about you?” the Governor asked. Caden glared up at him, hanging his head because lifting it would hurt too much. “No? I wouldn’t think so.”

Tears streamed down Caden’s cheeks. He just couldn’t stop them and hadn’t been able to for a while now. Crying just made it all worse, like it amplified the humiliation and it was his own damn fault for not being able to hide how much this had wrecked him.

“You go ahead and cry it out, honey. Just get it all out,” the Governor taunted as he knocked against the door. It opened a moment later. “You _earned_ it. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. Cry your little head off.”

“You got a small dick,” Caden muttered, eyes dropping back to the ground.

“That’s cute. Get some rest, as much as you can, at least. A guy’s going to be in here later to clean you up, maybe give you some bandages. Maybe have a little fun himself.” The Governor might have been enjoying this just as much, this taunting and teasing – it would be so much better if he just left. “But mostly, he’ll be getting you ready for tonight when I come back.”

Caden’s eyes fell shut.

“Just want to give you something to look forward to,” the Governor added as he walked out. “Later.”

Caden slumped as much as the ropes allowed. At some point, he had been lowered to his knees, so at least he was resting on the ground even if his arms were still stretched as far as they could go at his sides. His muscles were aching already and the thought of hours more in this position made Caden dizzy with dread.

He wished he had just left with Crash.

*

Glenn wasn’t sure how much time had passed since he and Maggie were left alone. Waiting sucked. It wasn’t like Glenn was having fun getting beaten and interrogated by Merle or fighting a walker while still tied to a chair. But at least then he had some idea of the passage of time. At least then he was doing more than just sitting there, imagining what the Governor would do to him and Maggie. Or what the Governor was already doing to Caden.

Maggie had been sobbing when she was brought into the room where Glenn was being held. Since Maggie was topless, Glenn just assumed the Governor or someone else had raped her. She assured him that hadn’t happened once they were left alone after the Governor had threatened to shoot Glenn, causing Maggie to almost instantly give up the prison. She told Glenn what happened just before she was brought in – how Caden must have made the same assumption that Glenn had and attacked the Governor for it.

Glenn hated the Governor. But as he sat there and stewed, he started to hate Crash. The guy had been nice enough, but he changed Caden. The person who Caden was when Glenn first met him never would have attacked the Governor. Then, he’d be sitting there with them, waiting, instead of whatever he was going through.

“How long has it been?” Glenn asked, turning his head to look over at Maggie, wearing his shirt now so that she was covered.

“Hours. It’s been hours,” Maggie answered quietly.

Glenn leaned his head back against the wall. It was like one good thing happened and five terrible things followed. They found the prison, but they lost people reaching safety within it. Now he, Maggie, and Caden were being held hostage with no way for their people to even know, let alone find them.

“Fuck Merle,” Glenn grumbled, just needing to say it. “Fuck the Governor. Fuck Crash.”

“Crash?” Maggie repeated in confusion.

“For teaching Cade to fight,” Glenn explained. “He never fought before. Never would have fought. What do you think they’re doing to him?”

“I don’t know, Glenn,” Maggie sighed. “I don’t wanna think ‘bout it.”

“Sorry.”

Maggie turned her head and kissed his shoulder. He reached over and took her hand.

“We’re gonna get out of here,” he said.

“I know.”

Glenn closed his eyes. Would he be a terrible person if he fell asleep? He was exhausted. It had been a long day. He thought, anyway. It had to be getting close to nighttime if it wasn’t already.

The door opened and a few men filed into the metal room, the Governor entering last. Glenn’s eyes glanced over each face. Merle wasn’t with them. Neither was the one called Martinez.

“You’re getting a new room,” the Governor said. “Come with me.”

Maggie helped Glenn get to his feet. She was then pulled away from him by someone Glenn hadn’t seen before. Glenn tried to get in between Maggie and the man but was punched to the ground for his trouble. Maggie yelled for him while someone tied her hands behind her back with rope, but the Governor allowed another two punches before saying, “That’s enough. Get him up.”

They were yanked out of the room and pulled down the hallway. Glenn kept glancing at Maggie, but she was glaring straight ahead at the Governor’s back. They turned down a different hallway and Glenn’s eyes shot right to where Martinez stood outside a closed door. Their little group passed him, but stopped at the next door, which was already open into an empty room. Glenn was shoved in first, so he was able to turn and catch Maggie as she was given the same treatment. Maggie frantically looked around the room, searching for Caden.

“You might be wondering why I’m keeping you two around. Well, I got some more questions to ask you. I need to know things like how many of your people there are, and what kind of weapons they have. I guess, I could take my gun out and point it at one of you and just wait the .5 seconds it takes for you to betray the rest of your people, but what’s the fun of that? We’ve already done that,” the Governor taunted. “Now, everyone but Martinez… go find something else to do.”

Once the room was empty, the Governor delivered a hard punch to Glenn’s stomach, sending him crashing backward into the nearby wall. Maggie ran to his side but couldn’t do anything for him because of the rope around her wrists. She knelt on the ground next to him, but a little in front of him to be a shield. The Governor didn’t approach them, though. He took a few steps back to the door before doing a slow turn to look down at them.

“What I _am_ going to do is head into the room next door.” The Governor was half in the shadows. The only detail Glenn could clearly make out was his glaring eyes. “Just in case you don’t recognize the screams, Caden is in there. Listen carefully but know that no matter what you hear, it isn’t going to kill him. I can always come back for that later, though.”

Glenn felt himself slump back against the wall, strength and fight gone. Maggie’s rage radiated from her. He had no doubt it was the only reason her muscles were so tense after such a long, exhausting day. Glenn didn’t even feel rage. He just felt tired and sick. Beaten down, physically and mentally.

“ _This_ is how we’ll get you in the mood to answer the rest of my questions,” the Governor declared with a smug grin, appearing twisted and creepy due to the shadow still cast over his face. “I’ll be back in an hour or so. You’ll know when I’m done – the screams will turn into whimpers.”

Maggie shouted angrily in his direction as the Governor left the room.

“Close it,” he ordered.

Martinez shut the door with a heavy slam.

Glenn could still hear the footsteps leading away from the door, dread twisting his gut as he heard the Governor ask, “He ready?” out in the hall.

“Probably not,” Martinez answered.

“Good.”

“No,” Maggie whispered. Glenn just stared at her.

“Ready for round two?”

They could hear the Governor so clearly. It was just like when Maggie had to listen to Glenn being beaten. These weren’t rooms, they were cells; built for this kind of torture.

“Come on, don’t be shy. This will be just like last time.”

“ _UNGH!_ ”

“Oh, God,” Maggie sobbed. The Governor needn’t have worried – she would have recognized Caden’s voice instantly even without any hints.

“That’s a good boy.”

“ _YEEAGH!_ ”

Glenn curled against the wall.

“Don’t pass out now. We’re just getting warmed up.”

“ _UGGH!_ ”

“See – now it’s getting good.”

There was a muffled thud that made Glenn flinch.

“Think you can take this? You took it last time. Think it’s too much for you?”

“ _EEAAGGHH!_ ”

“See, not too much at all. Just enough.”

Tears fell fast and heavy down Glenn’s cheeks.

“There – that’ll give you something to keep your mind occupied.”

“ _UFF!_ ”

Glenn’s hands rose on their own and covered his ears. They blocked out most of what the Governor was saying, but a few grunts, groans, and screams broke through. He glanced over at Maggie to see her glaring at the wall between them and Caden.

At some point, Glenn closed his eyes. He didn’t fall asleep. He couldn’t fall asleep no matter how tired he was. Not while it was still going on. Not while Maggie listened to every second of it.

His eyes snapped opened and he flinched backward when Maggie’s knee knocked lightly against his. She knelt in front of him, eyes red and puffy.

Glenn slowly lowered his hands. “It’s over?”

“Yes,” Maggie said quietly. “It… stopped a bit ago, but… he was hurt, and I-I didn’t… I didn’t want you to hear that.”

“I’m sorry,” Glenn whispered, not sure if he was apologizing because he didn’t listen or because he couldn’t stop it.

“Could you just…” Maggie turned, baring her tied wrists to him.

Glenn’s hands shook as he undid the rope. He didn’t know why she didn’t ask earlier. Maybe because he would have had to move his hands away from his ears.

She curled against him and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She turned her face into his chest and just cried. Her body shook against him and he didn’t have anything to say that would comfort her. He just let her cry until the shaking stopped.

He glanced at her face to see if she was still awake – she was. Her eyes had been drawn back to the wall that separated them from Caden.

“He was just defendin’ me,” she whispered.

“I know,” Glenn sighed.

“We gotta get him outta there.”

“How?”

Maggie covered her face. Her wrists were already bruising. “I don’t know.”

*

Caden tried to pull his arms free from the ropes. It had been worse this time, because he was already so hurt. But even that would have been bearable. What absolutely broke Caden was having heard Maggie and Glenn in the next room and knowing they could hear everything happening to him.

He couldn’t hear them anymore. Had they been moved? Killed? Caden wasn’t sure he had stayed conscious the whole time and was afraid he had missed something. He wanted to call out to them, but knew there was someone guarding him, and he didn’t want to draw anyone’s attention. The man who came to clean him up earlier had messy blonde hair and glasses, and he had been gentle as he tried to ease some of Caden’s pain. The stranger hadn’t said anything and didn’t look into Caden’s eyes. Still, Caden had gotten lucky. He knew not everyone would be so kind, especially with these people. So, he wasn’t going to make a sound and he just hoped the same man came to help him this time, though the Governor hadn’t said anything about it before leaving.

The Governor said he would keep coming back until Caden found a way to kill himself, but he couldn’t figure out how he was going to do it. The Governor didn’t retie the rope around his neck, which would have been really helpful. Caden hung his head and closed his eyes after a few minutes of searching for some way to commit suicide. There was nothing he could do – did the Governor really expect him to find a way to kill himself when held immobile? Had someone done so before? There was no way Caden was the first; everything was too practiced from Martinez tying him up to the Governor’s words and actions.

He could starve himself, he realized. If they offered him food and water, he could refuse them. The man who came earlier gave him some water and he gulped it down eagerly. He wasn’t sure he could stop himself from doing so again, given the chance. His mouth was so damn dry, and anyway, that would take days. He needed to die now. Before the Governor could come back.

Caden didn’t look up when the door opened. He didn’t even open his eyes, involuntarily whimpering. It was either the guy coming to clean him up or the Governor again. And Caden wouldn’t survive the Governor again. He barely waited before coming back a second time and the prospect of a third time so soon made Caden pull at the ropes again despite knowing it was useless.

“God fuckin’ dammit.”

Caden quickly looked up.

“Knew somethin’ was up,” Merle snapped, stomping over. “Really didn’t think _you_ were the one that ripped his fuckin’ ear off.”

“Did…” Caden weakly cleared his throat. His voice was very raspy and nearly gone. “Did they reattach it?”

“They tried,” Merle said, taking out a large knife.

“Are ya goin’ to kill me?” Caden asked, relieved and terrified at the same time.

Merle just silently cut Caden’s right wrist free.

“You’re helpin’ me?” Caden whimpered.

“Ya don’t gotta sound so shocked,” Merle grumbled.

“What about Maggie and Glenn?” Caden asked.

“Don’t know.” Merle cut the rope on Caden’s left wrist and he dropped forward so he was on his hands and knees. It was a relief and yet hurt so badly at the same time. He groaned and willed his muscles to relax but his arms had locked into place as his muscles trembled at the sudden change from a position they had been in for hours. “Don’t care.”

“I can’t leave them,” Caden muttered, fresh tears dripping onto the ground where he locked his vision.

“We don’t got time for that shit,” Merle snapped, cutting a rope around Caden’s ankle and nicking his skin. Caden didn’t even flinch. Such a mild pain was welcome. “Gonna be hard enough gettin’ your dumb ass outta here.”

“If we ain’t savin’ them, I ain’t goin’. Just give me your knife and go.”

“Now ain’t the time to be stubborn, Cade.”

“Just give me the knife and go!” Caden shouted.

“Yeah, and what’re ya goin’ to do with it, huh? Think you’re gonna kill the Governor in the state you’re in?”

“I’m gonna kill myself,” Caden snapped. “I ain’t lettin’ him come back and do that again.”

Merle looked down at his knife. Caden thought he was going to hand it over, but a loud bang on the wall behind them caused him to spin around, brandishing the knife as if the wall could have transformed into a walker or one of the Governor’s men.

“Cade?”

Caden slowly and carefully pushed himself to his feet. His arms burned at the movement. “Maggie?” He walked clumsily toward the wall. Merle put his knife away and headed over to Caden’s pile of clothes.

“Cade, just go,” Maggie sobbed, hitting the wall again.

“I’m comin’ for ya,’ Caden said, snatching his clothes from Merle when he brought them over.

Caden had to hold onto Merle’s arm for balance as he stepped into the pants. Merle grunted unhappily but didn’t say anything. Once his pants were on, Caden looked down at the shreds that remained of his shirt. His skin didn’t even look like his own, bruised and scratched and smeared with blood and cum. Frantically, and with a quiet whine, Caden pulled the fabric off his battered body and threw it to the side. He started scrubbing at a patch of blood with his palm.

“Here.”

Caden looked up to find Merle pulling his own shirt off. He held it out.

“Thanks,” Caden said softly as he took it.

“I didn’t know it was gonna be like this,” Merle said, eyes fixated on a dark bruise wrapping around a cluster of small cuts on Caden’s neck; a clear bite mark.  “Woulda never brought ya here, if I knew.”

“Would ya have even cared, if it had been Maggie or Glenn?” Caden wondered.

“Ya good to walk?” Merle asked in response.

“I think so.”

“Let’s go.”

In the hall, Caden and Merle turned in opposite directions, Caden stepping over the body of the man who had been guarding him, who Merle clearly stabbed through the temple. Merle stopped walking when he quickly realized Caden wasn’t with him. He turned around to find Caden trying to pry open the door to the cell next to his, where he heard Maggie.

“For fuck’s sake,” Merle snapped, stomping over.

He took a key out of his back pocket and easily opened the door. Caden rushed inside only to have Maggie run to meet him, wrapping him tightly in her arms. It hurt, but he clung onto her anyway.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“We gotta go,” Merle reminded them, looking in but remaining outside the room.

“You son of a bitch!” Glenn shouted, charging at Merle.

Glenn pinned Merle against the rough metal wall out in the hall with an arm against his neck. Maggie quickly moved to Glenn’s side and put her hand on his shoulder.

“He’s gonna help us get outta here, Glenn.” She then looked pointedly at Merle. “Ain’t that right?”

“I just came for the kid,” Merle sneered. “But if y’all wanna tag along, I ain’t gonna stop ya.”

“Stop, _stop_ ,” Caden hissed. “Hate each other later. Save us now.”

Glenn was still looking at Merle like he wanted to kill him, which Caden kind of understood, since Merle was the only reason they were in this terrible place. But he released Merle anyway, taking a step back and freeing Merle from the wall.

“Which way?” Caden asked.

Merle pointed to the right. Caden heard something. At first, he didn’t pay much attention, following Merle a few steps before the shuffling got too loud to ignore. Maggie must have heard it too, because she turned around at the same time as Caden, just as Martinez turned the corner with three other men. Each carried a gun and only one appeared to be a pistol. Everything else was semi-automatic.

“Hold up there, Merle,” Martinez called.

“Fuck,” Merle muttered as he came to a stop.

He and Glenn finally turned to see the men each aiming their guns at a different one of them.  Caden knew they were going to have to give themselves up or let these guys fill them with lead. And Caden probably would have gone for the latter, but Maggie, Glenn, and Merle had too much fight left in them.  Merle especially, as he pulled out a pistol. It seemed so benign compared to the large guns that could kill all four of them in seconds.

Caden looked around desperately for an escape as Merle said, “Thought ya were busy,” with a shrug when Martinez looked at him with disappointment. Merle was raising his gun. “Ya shoulda stayed busy.”

Caden didn’t see if Merle hit anyone when he fired his gun. Instead, Caden grabbed Maggie’s arm and dove with her back into the room she and Glenn had been locked in. She moved to reenter the hallway, where Glenn and Merle still were, but quickly stumbled back from the open doorway when the Governor’s men unleashed a hail of bullets. Every few seconds, a loud, singular bang sounded through the barrage of automatic gunfire. That, at least, meant Merle was probably alive and firing his gun when he could.

When Merle’s firing did stop, Caden held his breath, thinking he’d have to tell Daryl that his brother died trying to save him. As someone who had just lost his sister, the thought shook Caden. He looked at Maggie with wide, tear-filled eyes as all gunfire ceased.

“All out of bullets?” Martinez called.

“Fuck you,” Merle spat. Caden exhaled heavily.

“Come on out, Merle,” Martinez taunted. “You know how this is gonna end.”

Caden reached out to stop Maggie as she took a step closer to the door, but before she was able to peer out, one of the Governor’s men walked into the room, gun held so Maggie was literally staring down its barrel. She held her hands up and took a couple steps back until she was at Caden’s side. A moment later, Glenn and Merle were brought in by gunpoint. Glenn looked the same as before – beaten but still with most of his blood in his body. Merle had been shot in the arm he had already lost part of, ignoring the wound while glaring at Martinez.

“On your knees. Hurry it up,” Martinez ordered, grabbing Glenn’s shoulder and forcing him onto the ground.

Merle also had to be shoved down by one of the men. Maggie and Caden moved to Glenn’s side when the man with his gun fixed on Maggie motioned for them to do so. Martinez stepped between Caden and Maggie, a hand on Caden’s shoulder pushing him back.

“Not you,” Martinez said.

Caden swallowed, shook his head, and muttered, “No.”

“You shoulda killed yourself,” Martinez said, not without pity.

Caden’s body felt heavy, like a burden, as he was pushed until his back hit a solid body. An arm wrapped around his neck, applying just enough pressure to let him know it’d be over in a few seconds if he tried to struggle. Caden still reached up and gripped the man’s arm, not sure what else to do with his hands. He watched Maggie and Glenn, on their knees and crying, interlock their fingers, preparing to die together. He dug his nails into the arm around his neck and tried to pry it off.

“Knock it off,” the man snapped, tightening his grip as Martinez paused in circling the couple to look over at them.

Caden glanced down, lifted his foot, and stomped as hard as he could with his heel on top of the man’s foot. It was then he realized he hadn’t put his shoes back on. The bare foot still seemed to do enough as the man howled. But instead of dropping Caden, the man flung him against the wall.

Caden braced himself the best he could with his hands, but his head still hit the metal. He fell to the ground, stunned.

He wasn’t sure what happened next. He was too busy trying to blink the blurriness away. He knew there was some talking, but couldn’t understand what was being said, or even tell who was speaking because of a dull ringing in his ears. He turned and tried to make out what was happening, but could only dumbly wonder why Maggie and Glenn were faceless as they were dragged onto their feet along with Merle, who still had his face. He would never learned that burlap sacks had been put over their heads, always believing he had been hallucinating.

He, also, thought it was a hallucination when the room filled with smoke, like the fog of his brain had been made real. A blurry figure stood over him a moment before a strong hand wrapped around his bicep and pulled him onto his feet. Caden groaned loudly. He would have gotten up much more carefully, had he had a choice. He was going to try to push himself away from the man who held onto him, and maybe try to grab someone’s gun, but when he looked over, it was Rick. His vision was still blurry, but that didn’t matter much standing so close. So what if Rick’s features weren’t as crisp and clear as usual? Caden knew Rick’s face better than anyone’s after the years he had spent admiring it.

Caden clung onto Rick, stumbling outside at his side. If Rick didn’t have a tight grip on him, Caden would have thought this was part of a hallucination too. He looked behind them. Maggie and a woman with dreads Caden had never seen before were supporting Glenn as he stumbled along.

Caden’s brain still hadn’t caught up to the situation yet as Rick basically carried him in front of the others into an abandoned house with all the windows covered. Where even were they?

As Rick helped Caden to the ground, Caden watched Maggie gracelessly drop Glenn, no longer being helped by the beautiful stranger. Caden hadn’t realized how hurt Glenn was. The adrenaline of nearly fighting Merle must have worn off, and now he looked like he needed Hershel as much as Caden did. Or maybe the Governor’s men had landed a few more punches before bringing him to Maggie and Caden.

“Ain’t no way out, back here,” Daryl warned.

“Rick, how’d you find us?” Maggie asked, louder than Caden thought she should.

“How bad are y’all hurt?” Rick asked, fingers brushing the bruise forming around a cut on Caden’s forehead.

Caden didn’t answer.

“I’ll be alright,” Glenn provided, voice shaking.

“Where’s that woman?” Maggie asked, making Rick move away from Caden to give the room a once over.

“She was right behind us,” he said.

Rick peered out the window and a discussion began about whether or not they should go looking for the woman. Caden zoned out. He could hear them, but there was still a buzzing in the background that was giving him a headache.

“Where’s Merle?” he asked suddenly, as soon as he realized Merle wasn’t among them. He would be making a scene, if he had been, Caden was certain.

Daryl’s eyes snapped to him. “Merle?”

“Merle did this,” Glenn said. “He did this.”

“You saw him?” Rick asked.

“Face to face. He threw a walker at me,” Glenn said. Caden frowned – he didn’t know that. “He was gonna execute us.”

“S-so my brother’s this governor?” Daryl asked, glancing from Glenn to Caden.

“No, it’s somebody else,” Maggie answered. “Your brother’s his lieutenant or somethin’.”

“Does he know I’m still with you?”

“He does now,” Glenn said weakly. “Rick, I’m sorry. We told him where the prison was. We couldn’t hold out.”

Caden looked down at his wrists. They were raw and bruised. Somehow, they were hurting the most. He rubbed them lightly.

“Don’t. No need to apologize,” Rick said before moving over to one of the windows and peering out.

“They’re gonna be lookin’ for us,” Maggie said.

“We have to get back,” Rick replied. “Can you walk? We got a car a few miles out.”

Caden looked down to his bare feet.

“I’m good,” Glenn said. Maggie and one of the prisoners – Caden hadn’t known him long enough to remember his name, helped Glenn get to his feet while Rick walked over to Caden.

“Can you walk?” he repeated.

Caden slowly nodded. It would hurt, but he could do it.

Rick knelt down, and his hand came up to cup Caden’s cheek. Caden flinched away.

“Are you okay?” Rick asked quietly.

Caden swallowed, trying to hold back his tears for once that day. “No.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comic spoiler, but when the Governor tells Michonne it's okay to cry, she's an absolute badass and tells him she's crying because she's scared of all the things she's going to do to him. And she kept her promise, let me tell you. I didn't think Caden would be such a badass and changed that bit of dialogue.
> 
> Thanks for coming back after the wait, and thank you to everyone who has left a comment encouraging me or just letting me know they've enjoyed the story. The kudos and views mean a lot too, don't get me wrong. I just love hearing directly from you guys. 
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate _all_ the support. Thanks :D


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, there is dialogue from the show in this chapter and I'm happy give you details. Just let me know in the comments. 
> 
> Thankfully, I think we're getting close to portions of the story where I can more easily summarize what's being said instead of having to take so many direct quotes. When I get too sick of using their dialogue, I switch over to some original works and use all the curse words I want.

Caden felt guilty for how relieved he was. They weren’t out of the clear yet. He, Glenn, and the woman Caden only recently learned was named Michonne were waiting at the car to find out if Rick, Maggie, Daryl, and Merle would return, but Caden was still relieved. He was out of the Governor’s reach. He laid in the back of a car, curled up on the seat, and told himself they’d be fine, and they’d get back to the prison, and Caden would never have to worry about the Governor again. That was what he told himself because anything else was unbearable, at the moment.

Getting out of Woodbury hadn’t been easy. Caden was pushing his body too far, moving quickly to keep up with Maggie and Glenn, but not accepting the support the prisoner offered because he was just going to slow the guy down and they were being shot at. Maggie and Glenn had been given guns, but Caden didn’t take the one offered to him. If it had been a machete, something he was comfortable with, he might have taken it. But he couldn’t push past the pain long enough to aim and he wasn’t going to add to the fray, just shooting blindly through the smoke from the smoke bombs Daryl kept tossing out, when they didn’t know where Merle had gone.

Rick directed them into cover in what looked like a store front with some thick, brick pillars in front of it. They barely fit.

Rick asked how many Woodbury men there were. Caden had seen enough to know they were outnumbered, but he didn’t speak up as the prisoner told Rick he couldn’t see and Daryl muttered the more honest, “Don’t matter. There’s gonna be more of them. We need to move.”

Caden heard gunfire much closer than the rest and turned quickly, thinking someone had flanked them. Instead, Merle crouched nearby, shooting back at his own men.

“Daryl.” Caden tapped Daryl’s arm. When Daryl looked at him, with frustration, nonetheless, Caden directed his gaze to his long-lost brother.

To Daryl’s credit, he didn’t go running from cover to reach his brother’s side the way Caden would have if Lori was back. No one else seemed to care about Merle as Rick just asked if they had anymore of the smoke bombs.

“Uh-huh,” Daryl confirmed.

“Get ‘em ready,” Rick said. “We gotta gun it to the wall.”

Maggie leaned out from cover to shoot off two rounds.

“You guys go ahead,” Daryl said. “I’m gonna lay down some cover fire.”

Caden looked over at Merle as Maggie argued that they should stay together.

Maggie wasn’t given much choice on the matter when Daryl said, “Ready,” and tossed out another smoke bomb, causing everyone to leave cover. Caden just stayed close to Maggie. He would have kept by Rick, but Rick kept stopping to shoot back at their pursuers. And there were a lot of them now, gunfire echoing and sending people panicking from their homes.

They made their way to a bus and the prisoner – that was the moment Caden remembered his name was Oscar – climbed on top of the nose of the bus. Oscar struggled for a moment to get Glenn up and onto the roof. Caden looked back to Rick, who was down on one knee, shooting at the people behind them.

Rick suddenly looked to the side and just kind of stopped shooting. Caden took a small step toward him – Rick had barely any cover and it was a miracle he hadn’t been hit yet – but Caden was distracted by the heavy thud of a body falling from the bus. Caden looked over to see Oscar dead and Glenn just kind of laying on the roof of the bus. Caden felt bad for not remembering the guy’s name for so long. Maggie ran to Oscar and yelled for Rick, who was standing over a dead Woodbury man.

Maggie shot Oscar in the head to make sure he wouldn’t come back, and she yelled for Rick again. She crawled onto the bus then reached down and pulled Caden up with her. As Caden scrambled up onto the roof of the bus, Maggie shouted, more angrily, for Rick, who in turn, called for Daryl. Caden just dropped over the wall, needing to get out of there and unable to wait for the others now that he was so close. If it were up to him, he would have leapt over the wall and run as far as he could as fast as he could. But they had to duck under some brush near what appeared to be an old railcar. The Governor’s people didn’t seem to be comfortable leaving their wall, maybe because it was dark still, and instead used spotlights to search for them.

Caden had felt sick. He sat on the ground and placed his hand over his mouth. He looked at Glenn, breathing heavily and face tense with pain. He looked at Maggie, gripping her gun tightly like she would float off without it. He looked at Rick, peeking out to spy on the Woodbury men.

Caden turned and leaned over just in time to not get any vomit on himself. He dug his fingernails into the ground and tried to retch as quietly as possible.

He barely heard the rustling behind them over his own pathetic whimper when he was done. They all looked over and Michonne was crawling out from under the stationary train. She had blood on her face and moved like she was in a daze. Caden was thankful for the distraction she caused, but Rick instantly had his gun on her, which made Maggie and Glenn both point their guns at her as well.

“Where the hell were you?” Rick asked, cocking his gun.

Caden slowly pushed himself up as Rick demanded Michonne put her hands up. She did as told, turning when he told her too so he could remove the sword from the sheath she had across her back. Rick handed the sword to Caden. He took it with a frown. Michonne turned until she could lean back against the train.

Rick finally lowered his gun before asking, “Get what you came for?”

“Where are your people?” Michonne asked.

Glenn and Maggie kept their guns aimed at Michonne, but at that point, they hadn’t even known her name. Neither had Caden. They didn’t know where she came from or what she was doing. It wasn’t until they were walking back to the car that she introduced herself and told them she had been in Woodbury before but left, and was witness to Merle taking Maggie, Glenn, and Caden. She was the only reason they were rescued and Caden felt uncomfortable about the way Rick had treated her.

In the moment, he didn’t really care. He just watched as Glenn told her about Oscar and Maggie asked if she had seen Daryl.

Rick got a little closer to loom over Michonne and threateningly said, “If anything happens to him-”

“I brought you here to save them,” Michonne said, cutting him off.

“Thanks for your help,” Rick replied, sounding strangely sarcastic for the aid she had provided.

“You’ll need help to get them back to the prison, or to go back in there for Daryl,” Michonne said quietly. “Either way, you need me.”

Rick took a moment before he acquiesced. Caden handed Michonne her sword back without waiting for Rick to tell him he could. She looked at him and her eyes widened. She brought her sword up between them.

“You’re bit,” she said.

“It’s not from a walker,” he said, his eyes shifting to Rick.

Caden couldn’t read the expression on Rick’s face. He watched as Rick looked from Michonne to the bite on Caden’s neck that had been impossible to hide.

“Come here,” Rick said, stepping as far from the others as was possible.

Caden followed, eyes on the ground.

Rick turned to him, stepped closer, and whispered, “Did I…?”

“What?” Caden gasped, louder than Rick probably wanted, judging by how he quickly glanced to the others.

“I just, I don’t know if I remember it all,” Rick whispered.

Caden shook his head, wanting Rick to shut the fuck up. He didn’t want Rick to tell him he was so messed up he didn’t even remember the sex they had less than 24 hours ago. Caden didn’t know how to feel about that and he didn’t want to have to figure it out right then, after everything else. He just wanted Rick to shut up.

“I was raped, Rick,” Caden snapped. “Tied up, beaten, and _torn_ apart. I just want to get back to the prison and scrub him off me.”

Both Maggie and Glenn were unable to make eye contact with Rick when he looked to them for help. Michonne could meet Rick’s gaze, but it was clear she had nothing to say. She just gripped her sword tightly. Rick’s eyes finally found Caden again, locking on him. They were narrowed and angry.

“I’m sorry,” Rick said.

Caden didn’t know how to respond.

Rick couldn’t even look at Caden after that. Still, Caden was relieved. The car he laid in was hot, and suffocating, even with the door open, but it wasn’t that dark room and he wasn’t stretched out and just waiting for the Governor to return.

Caden flinched when he heard Rick’s rough voice call out for him and Glenn. He heard Michonne and Glenn go running in the direction of Rick’s voice, Glenn calling out to Rick. Carefully, he pushed himself up as the group started yelling.

Caden crawled out of the car slowly, muscles screaming at the movement after so long lying stationary. When he reached the group in the woods, Rick was aiming his gun at Michonne, who had her sword out, directed toward Merle. Maggie and Glenn also had their guns fixed on Merle, who was hiding behind Daryl.

“He helped us get out of there,” Daryl was saying as Caden walked over.

“Yeah, right after he beat the shit out of you,” Rick snapped.

“Hey, we both took our licks, man,” Merle replied defensively.

“Jackass,” Daryl mumbled.

“Hey, shut up,” Merle said to Daryl, which seemed really dumb since Daryl was probably the only reason Merle didn’t have a bullet in his brain the second Glenn saw him.

“Enough!” Rick yelled, taking his eyes off Michonne to speak directly to Merle.

Michonne took that moment to try and get around Rick. Caden watched Maggie’s gun shift to her as Rick yelled for her to put her sword down.

Daryl was suddenly a step closer to Glenn, yelling, “Man, get that thing out of my face!” while swiping toward Glenn’s gun. It was pointing right at Daryl’s chest for a moment before Glenn directed the barrel to the ground.

Merle laughed despite the tense situation. “Man, look like you’ve gone native, brother.”

_They’re acting like children_ , Caden thought. Had any of them even noticed he had approached, or could they just not bear to acknowledge him anymore?

“No more than you hangin’ out with that psycho back there,” Daryl snapped at his brother, turning his back on Glenn.

“Oh yeah, man, he _is_ a charmer,” Merle said.

Caden felt sick. He laid his hand on his stomach and told himself he had nothing left to vomit.

“Been puttin’ the wood to your girlfriend, Andrea,” Merle then said, looking at Michonne.

Michonne stared at him like he had slapped her.

“Big time, baby,” Merle added with a fake moan. He made a motion with his tongue that would make anyone uncomfortable.

Caden swallowed and looked into the sky.

“What?” Glenn muttered. “Andrea’s in Woodbury?”

“Right next to the Governor,” Merle answered.

Caden bent over and dry heaved. He knew every single pair of eyes had just turned to focus on him.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out, turning away.

He stumbled away, covering his mouth and gagging. His vision was blurry from tears. He heard Rick, Maggie, Glenn, and Daryl all call out his name.

“I told you to drop that!” Rick shouted. Caden assumed he was speaking to Michonne, and Caden was thankful for whatever she had done to draw attention back to her, because it meant no one followed him to the side of the road.

Caden sat down. Then he laid down. He stared up into the sky and just focused on breathing. He could hear the others still. Merle revealed some of Michonne’s past, telling the group about how she spent all winter with Andrea. She, also, if Merle was telling the truth, once kept two walkers in chains with their arms and jaws cut off. Merle made a comment that caused Daryl to tell him to shut up, but Caden couldn’t make out what he said. The conversation was devolving into a shouting match again and Caden closed his eyes.

When the shouting ended suddenly, Caden didn’t open his eyes. When he heard rustling, he didn’t open his eyes. When he heard footsteps coming right to him, he closed his eyes even tighter. When he felt someone hovering over him, he said, “Go away. Just go away.”

“It’s me, Cade,” Rick said, kneeling beside him.

“I know.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Rick admitted. “And I know you’re… you’re hurtin’, but I need ya to keep movin’.”

Caden opened his eyes and pushed himself up, back turned to him. Rick frowned.

“Fuck off, Rick,” Caden muttered. He walked away from Rick, the car, and the group. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. He just needed to move. That was what Rick wanted, anyway.

Rick caught up with him quickly, moving in front of him rather than grabbing his arm, which Caden was thankful for.

“Don’t,” Rick said. “Don’t push me away.”

“Don’t push you away?” Caden hissed, voice low. “We fucked the day after Lori died. I was raped hours later.”

“Don’t make this about that,” Rick warned gently.

“I was _punished_.”

“No,” Rick said sternly. “That ain’t how life works.”

“It’s how it feels.”

“Caden, I’m goin’ to ask ya to stop and really think ‘bout it for a second. Do ya think, if there was somethin’ out there punishin’ people, it would really choose to hurt you for what we did instead of someone like the Governor for the shit he does?”

Caden chewed on his bottom lip.

Rick stepped a little closer and lowered his voice even further. “Do you really think you deserved to…”

Caden glanced over when Rick didn’t continue. Rick was staring at the bite mark.

Rick asked, “Can I touch you?”

“Why would you want to?” Caden sneered.

Rick wrapped his arms around Caden, hugging him close with a gentle hand on the back of his head. Caden tensed, and there was a moment where he thought he should push Rick away, but he just collapsed and let Rick hold him. He’d be angry later. He’d keep fighting later – he’d make Crash proud. But right now, he was just a broken person being held together by someone he loved. Just for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever wonder what happened to Crash? No? Too bad, guess who's getting his own story. 
> 
> It's going to act as a bit of an interlude between the two parts of this story, because I have a hundred other stories I should be focused on, including one that I think has a lot of promise for the real world, but damn it, if I don't love these boys too much. I can't cut their stories short. I just have to get better at time management. 
> 
> Game of Thrones is over now, so that helps?


End file.
